The Berkshire Edge online coverage of Searching for My Missing Father by Allison Drew gets the story from 2007 back in people’s minds to reflect on many difficult but important topics…Caregiving, Responding to Crisis, Emergencies, Crimes and More.
Who decides what is done when, by whom, where, on what kind of forum (in person, on line, on the phone, with volunteers, professionals and more, and who keeps track and can monitor a set of information about many factors and care for the people involved, the direct participants, the family and friends, neighbors and communities, the online concerns and more?
It’s not too late to set up a gofundme.com to show support for the difficulty and loss that Allison and Bettina Drew faced, and if I might add, another one for even the caregivers, one of whom happened to be me.
I have never thought of asking for more of a show of formal support before in terms of considering that I also was impacted in a profound way and suffered a loss with Tom going missing. If the Drew sisters and others who cannot comprehend the very real possibility (and indeed the reality) that things went the way I said they did…and was interviewed extensively about many times….that we were watching a television show one minute then he got up and returned with his coat on and said “I’ve got to get going…” (which meant to me he would go in the front yard and stay on the gravel sidewalk a few feet from the home… but then when I checked on him about five minutes later, the front door was locked, so I thought he was up in the bathroom, so waited another five minutes before checking on him there since he didn’t come down. Of course in hindsight I wish I had followed Tom at that moment and turned off the movie then and there (or even left it on to see how it was going a few minutes later.)
Really Tom must have moved at a fairly rapid rate which was not his norm. He had been getting some exercise and fresh air during the day rather than mainly sitting all day. We had read a newspaper article about a man who had hiked the AT in honor of a young girl and Tom seemed to understand that. I feel he may have gotten a notion that was something he could picture doing or used to do in terms of walking his grounds even in the past year, loading up firewood in a wheelbarrow and so on. I had said I would want to be with him outdoors if he did such things. Many times over I was told that was not the expectation. After Tom had lost his balance once upon standing and gotten bruised from the fall, there was more of an agreement to watch him until he became more stable.
When I opened that door after calling to him and knocking on the door and found the bathroom empty, I wave very concerned. I did not think the kitchen door was one he would use without me since there were a couple of steps to go down and we didn’t usually go out that way. We had spent time out there already trimming the hedges as an activity, which was the most we’d done in a long time outside in terms of spending time outdoors. He usually did not want to go out. I was going to bring a better pair of clippers since he was working away but the hedge clippers were not sharp. I am recounting this 13 years later, so really there are points to relay that may be worth noting to bring more of a sense of the day.
We sat at the kitchen table at times and would play Connect Four, a game I brought from home. I would encourage him to put the red and black checkers in whichever slots he wanted, whether by design or just see what emerged. I read him some of my poems such as “I want to ride the alphabet.’ He liked it and said I should, I should…. and I said “publish it?” and he said, Yes. I’ve meant to do share it and dedicate it to him.
That was inspired by one of my kids saying “I want to write the alphabet” but I heard it as ‘ride’ it so made up some rhymes with AB, Look at me, DE, I feel free, FG Happy Me, HI spells “Hi!” (something along those lines, I’ll have to try to locate the original.) So to map out the other basics of that day, we had a bit of time out in the front and he said I should be going home soon
.I said we’d have something to et first then the other caregiver would be home and I’d go. He had a way of feeling that I should go back to my house at night (maybe to sleep at my own home, even though I found him once in the same spot he was in on a sofa at the base of the stair area where I had left him the night before. Usually for months, the plan was his regular caregiver was away in NYC for a weekend, and I would only come in for the day shifts. I let many people know that did not seem right to me.
One person agreed heartily and said it would be against the law in her state to allow someone in his condition to be like that. Local professionals and people I asked about the situation suggested I just let the family decide. So there is quite a serious discrepancy in what ‘the professionals’ and even family and friends would think to recommend, monitor or report. It would make sense for each person to make clear guidelines for when they would want family or others to intervene regarding their behavior, substance use and more. I asked a medical doctor friend why there were not clear guidelines written up by doctors in terms of what kind of supervision and care someone would need who has dementia or another condition.
At the time, the answer was ‘they have enough to do and wouldn’t know where to begin to make such calls or rules.” I feel that was likely a similar stance to that held by ministers and others who want to ‘stay in their role’ and not interfere with someone’s freedom or family matters. The problem I pointed out to many is that the actual family was away and did not want to spend more money or have any input from me directly.
I broke that rule once and informed Bettina of my concerns in hopes she would convince Allison to have a nurse come by and assess things. I had learned enough from a CNA/ Home Health Aide training that a nurse would be important to consult with about care plans.
That is a lot more than I initially wrote on this post, but I honor taking time to reflect and hope this can ease people’s minds about the pace and pattern of our time when at home. He ate a simple dinner a bit later than usual because we were outside as I’m recalling things now. I told them what he had to eat when asked later about it, but did not generally have to write things down.
I had recalled that the show Too Young to Marry was coming on at 7pm and usually I left at 7:30pm but was going to let the caregiver know I could stay if I liked the show so he could have more free time with his guest. But that was not at all how things played out.
Instead after I realized Tom was not upstairs (even looking under his high bed in case he was looking for a button or something on the far side of the bed) I sped through the downstairs area and saw that the kitchen sliding door was ajar so realized he went out that way. I circled the entire home calling for Tom with no luck.
Then I went back inside and opened the front door which was locked and the other caregiver was at the door. Immediately I let him know Tom was missing. He said Tom had gone out to the footbridge across Sage’s Ravine (which was dry at that time) last month, so I ran out to check there. No luck. I asked him to get back in his car with his friend and check both sides of the driveway up to Rt 41 in case he had wandered off the path and fallen.
They hurried off and I did another quick look through the house inside and out. As I ran around the edge of the lawn I thought I needed to try to get my old track coach Howard Odell to get a team of folks ready to run in every direction from the house to try to locate Tom before dark. We used to sing a song “Howie-O..Howie O-dell!’ (like in the Wizard of Oz with the flying monkeys going into the castle.)
Suddenly this was no track practice but rather a run that didn’t have a clear end goal. Hoping that the other caregiver would have found him or seen someone who knew something, I was disheartened to see they were shaking their heads.
Then I said we had to call this in as quick as we could because it could take a while to get a search going and we were losing light. Apparently we didn’t get the call made until about 8:20pm I think. Then the rest is fairly well documented. I did ask them the other caregiver and his girlfriend to sit down and pray together.
As a regular churchgoer since childhood and as an adult at the Sharon Congregational Church, I had been praying with people regularly for over 15 years. Now I felt it was a gift and necessity to help us be a calm, clear and connected to whatever guidance and insights we needed (and the Holy Spirit with Jesus on duty too) to locate Tom and find him safe and sound. The bewildering question of how this could have happened and why we could find him was a constant nightmare to face. Surely with a group searching we would locate him.
First just police showed up and wanted some information. I kept assuring them we could fill in details later but we really just better get looking. Later on firemen showed up and then I thought okay, now we’ll get somewhere. The adrenalin rush I felt was dying down a bit thinking people were going to take charge and have a real plan to make sense of things.
I finally suggested we build a campfire and put some loud noise on in case Tom could come back toward us. I got them to turn on their police light but with that flashing all over the woods I thought that wasn’t really going to help him find his way back to us.
I wished I could have gotten my drum group there because we make a powerfully large sound and again could have been a way to help call Tom back to the house. I recalled being lost myself across from my house when I was about 12 and finally hearing a chainsaw sound that led me back to the edge of the road about 3/4 mile from where I’d gone in.
Okay well back to the initial post. I started sharing this to say that Allison and Bettina are unable or unwilling to consider that is the truth is very concerning. IF they could would they have been able to talk with me and maybe empathize with the hugely horrible turn of events that transpired just as I said, not blamed me endlessly and harassed me so publicly even many years later. Bettina called me one New Year’s Even saying something accusatory and again did so when I saw her by chance at LaBonne’s.
By the way I asked LaBonne’s for a donation of some food for those at the house on Sunday or Monday and they gave us a few sandwiches and cookies which I appreciated. I went there a couple of days later and saw the K9 Rescue Team. Liz Burns (if that’s the correct spelling of her name) checked my trunk when I asked her to do so to see how the trunk did not open.
I knew her a bit from around town and she explained how they searched longer than the blood hound team. I learned from talks at the Audubon about the K9 Rescue Dog Volunteers and heard that they usually have better results in locating people. I was very grateful for that.
Then I saw another person I consider a friend from over the years at the house. At one point I was on the patio and said, “Oh there he is” talking about a humming bird that was appearing and then flew to the top of a tree. The woman said “You see Tom?” I said, no just a hummingbird. When she said that I thought maybe that is a message from Tom or the Holy Spirit that he’s okay.
Back to the first account of this post, regarding ‘raising money to show support’ for the Drew Family. I did think we could try to raise funds to help Allison and Bettina afford the travel costs and just show a great deal of support for them and maybe those searching, including the K9 rescue team with their dogs who continued for four days. I will reflect more on these things (and have over the years online, to the news paper and on my blog livfully.org, which has posts in order since 2012.)
That kind of thing wasn’t quite as common in public forums and I thought someone would consider doing that eventually. Again it seems it’s much more reasonable nowadays to do so online and someone could still consult with them about what may feel fitting.
I am hoping we can compile all of the information on this case and other concerns on separate posts or FB pages etc to sort things out. Likely it would take a reputable team with skilled people to pull it all together. Then more people could think about what could really help prevent such kinds of challenges with accountability and monitoring of benchmarks voluntarily for families, friends, communities and of course caregivers and professionals.
Regarding the Berkshire Edge online forum coverage of Allison Drew’s book about her missing father, I wrote the following. Thanks for letting folks know that there’s a Lot More to Consider about Tom Drew’s Life and a bit more about the last day of his time at his home in Salisbury CT. We can respond more compassionately, consistently and creatively to many challenges.
People are familiar with the passing of Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton, a heroic teen who tried to save his friends from the Housatonic River also in Salisbury CT (and Falls Village CT) at the Falls.
There is a story I wrote called The Turtle and The Acorn which I think of in part as a tribute to Tom and Kaelan since it’s about facing sudden loss and change, although at the time, Kaelan was still alive and well.
How come I care so much about those two situations which rocked the the tri-corner MA/NY/CT area (which I think of as the Many Connect area)? Maybe they seem completely unrelated, but I was Tom’s part-time caregiver with him that ‘fateful’ Saturday, July 21st, 2007 (which maybe Allison and Bettina Drew may not realize was just 2 days before the very tragic home invasion of The Petit Family on July 23rd, 2007 resulting in the loss of the mom and her two daughters after the father was beaten and left in the basement.)
I had wanted to try to tell everyone after I got home after searching for a couple of hours in the dark and having a deer hit and dent the front of my car that night coming over the Sharon flats (bounding in from the left hand side then turning back.)
The police asked me about that another time since I had told my family in emails about what had transpired from ‘one minute to the next’ just after 7pm that warm Saturday evening.
I have a copy of an extensive deposition I gave on two dates in Litchfield CT months after no signs of Tom Drew were found and I was sued by his daughters.
I have read the book by Allision and have another response I will share soon, but for now, I put a post on Livfully.org/wordpressblog. This site only allows for 8K characters. Let’s form some meaningful sites to review the Tom Drew case online so more people can try to have an idea of The Truth of that Day….and then all the allegations and recommendations (or maybe just start fresh with What One would want to have in each country, state and area, town by town etc to address someone going missing, any kind of death or serious injury in terms of an immediate investigation or one done voluntarily and comprehensively as I would appreciate for instance regarding that of the last day of our teen son Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton’s life.
Agreements were in place for two parents to supervise the teens if they were going to the river for boating or swimming but that likely was not widely shared and not followed as the school days were wrapping up, schedules were changing, the kids were biking to school from 5 miles away and then ‘just around the sleepy little town of Falls Village CT…where ‘nothing happens until oh yes, it does in a terrifying big way.’
There’s mention of past crime in the area in Allison’s book and in my lengthy post about Kaelan’s life and our area, in Remembering Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton. What the police are quoted as saying in Allison’s book needs immediate and clear attention to be considered not only by the person quoted but by current leaders in many fields.
The important clarification should be asserting that “IF’ there were foul play on my part or anyone in my circle (all of which is alleged by Allison without any real evidence to the point other than one person not being clear about what was meant by me saying “he’s not here’.) earlier in the day.. meaning he is not in the same room with me since I was likely on the phone upstairs.
Falsely accusing someone is an offense identified in the earliest laws of civilization..and punishable by loss of life!
So let’s all take note in terms of the legacy of letting ‘what ifs’ become “it must be” or “it surely is the case.” In terms of pursuing a course of legal action without grounds, that can be deemed ‘vexatious litigation’ and can be grounds for counter-suing. As for ruining one’s reputation with allegations, that is criminal but common.
Sometimes it can be remedied and grounds for a lawsuit and with this whole situation some have recommended I look into that.
I will offer that these kinds of situations may be one we all need to learn from in terms of the balance of liberty, friendship, freedom and learning to face the reality of not having every base covered (when it comes to caring for someone with special needs or even just going out in the world.)
When one learns about domestic abuse, custody cases and more, the kinds of ‘crimes within crimes’ are dizzying and difficult for our countries, states, towns, communities and families to really comprehend.
Again as horrible as these life experiences are, from unlawful arrests, allegations of hurting someone or worse, being found guilty and punished if not put to death (by the system or street gangs, and yes people have harassed me over the years plenty, often with no written note to clarify what they are upset about and sometimes because I was seeking help or advocacy for a good cause.)
Some say ‘no good deed goes unpunished’ and while that sounds impossible, sadly plenty of good folks know that is all too true.
Regarding the ‘case against me’ that Allison points out in the book (and yet she spoke to me only once saying I should have followed her Dad.
I answered that everybody would agree with that now, but the instructions I had was not to be on his heels and I did go look for him within a ten minutes, thinking he was in the bathroom or upstairs. I was watching the movie “Too Young to Marry” and that may have made him uncomfortable. It was about college kids deciding to marry to be together since one didn’t get into the same good college (Harvard I think.)
Another person thought I had asked them for help on Sat. to look for him but I didn’t even tell my family until after he went missing on Sat. night so they had their weekend days mixed up. That really was the most they had to go on in terms of any inconsistency.
Then there is a far stretch of interpreting a dream I had using the word ‘high dresser” to indicate the French word “Haut” and searching a farm in Cornwall 10 miles away where my son had a friend. I never knew why they went in that direction but at least part of That mystery is solved!
Thanks for anyone’s interest and real concern which may lead to forming a caring, capable community response to help us all be safer in all walks of life. Many people are to be commended for their efforts to search, and I cover more of that on the post on Livfully.org/wordpressblog.
PS I cover a bit more about The Chesire CT Petit Family Loss that occurred on July 23rd, 2007. The Petit Family Foundation was formed in response to the outpouring to community support. With CT being a small state and Chesire a small town about an hour or so from Salisbury on the western side of the state, some people in my life knew those folks. One folksinger friend had the Dad as her doctor. Another knew the mom as a school nurse at a private school, even having lunch at a group gathering.
I just read the coverage of that terrible turn of events in the NY Times online. While Mrs. Hawke-Petit went to the bank at 9:30am to get $15K and let them know her family was being held hostage and would be killed if police showed up, the police did not get into the house until 10 after 10am, even though they arrived to secure the perimeter at 9:45am and had the SWAT team and a helicopter responding.
The predators were long time criminals, one with ties to a wealthy family from Cheshire (but who was raped by a foster care youth who was living with them when he was a teen, starting his life of crime. Both men were divorced fathers in and out of jail. The one from the wealthy family had a daughter (he was seeking custody of) who was not much younger than the one he assaulted. Both girls perished from smoke inhalation, not the flames from gas the men brought and spread in the home maybe to cover up the evidence of their sexual crimes against the mother, who was strangled, and the 11 -year-old daughter. The other man had teen children in Torrington and lived in Winsted about a half hour from Salisbury.
These kinds of situations draw serious attention as they should, yet I have heard for years how many minorities feel their suffering and loss is hardly addressed in any serious fashion. That occurred even in the aftermath of Sandy Hook CT elementary school shooting resulting in over two dozen deaths, when millions of dollars were donated to people in that area. More recently the Maren Sanchez Home Foundation was set up in memory of the victim of violence from male student that had been harassing her.
Her family was awarded $5M because the school failed to take stringent measures to protect her even after complaints, if I understand the situation correctly. There are many cases of situations unfolding without warning, and a slim chance of a victim getting safe. Efforts to educate everyone about how to avoid these kinds of downward spirals are in every country if not state.
There are Crime Victims Services which can offer some support to victims of crimes even if charges are not pressed or disclosed in a timely manner. These are forums more people need to learn about in advance, along with ways to prevent harm on all levels and over the generations, counting on a comprehensive community support system for all members to know their rights and have support for safety.
One in Brooklyn NY that I’ve come to appreciate is Carey Gabay Foundation. He suffered being a victim of gun violence among gangs during the West Indian Weekend Festival in NYC. His widow Trenelle has shown strength and courage in promoting the Foundation.
Even while pregnant with a their son (who she had in vitro for a year or more later,) she managed to get to court even though the offenders got light sentences due to them saying they didn’t know he was not part of a counter force or drawing a gun while he had taken refuge behind a car. Carey Gabay was general counsel to NY Gov. Cuomo. A community center will be named for him to encourage others to make the most of their lives, whether getting an easy start or not in life. He had the challenge of growing up in the Bronx yet went to Harvard Law School.
Peace and light the the victims and their families and to all working to make the world a safer, more caring place. Let’s consider ways to address conflicts and difficulties through discussions, the arts, music and other forums. Many such ideas are shared along the way on this blog livfully.org/wordpressblog (and the posts in order from 2012 on Livfully.org) to spark such ongoing efforts.