More work needs to be done to clarify guidelines for anyone’s care needs, and any emergencies that arise. Each country, state and town should have a website with timely clear information in terms of options to monitor, supervise and have voluntary agreements and guidelines as well as the laws stated that each person can learn about whether young or older.
This time of Black Lives Matter and the COVID Pandemic is also highlighting the limited resources for people in poverty (often linked to poorer educations that lead to arrests if not prison time, called the school to prison pipeline.
We can and must to better. Now we know there is a nursing home to COVID increased risk and higher death rate pipeline. For elders at home alone with insufficient supervision given their mental or physical health, there are greater concerns about whether they can harm themselves or wander, in part do to stories that publicize when someone wanders, goes missing and is not found.
That is the basic situation involving Tom Drew and his caregivers (part time one named Pamela and the full time one also with a fake name in the book by Allison Drew called Searching for My Missing Father.)
Since I know the story well with first hand contact with the ‘real Pamela” I will respond to the book which I read when it came out a couple of months ago in 2020. There are points made on The Berkshire Edge with an error saying that the main caregiver was in NYC for the day but he was with a friend who had come up from NYC for the day.
The main point that Allison Drew makes is that the scene of a missing person even from their home who appears to have wandered off should be treated as a crime scene. That sounds like a helpful and reasonable idea. However without evidence of a crime the police cannot necessarily treat it as a crime scene. People could voluntarily participate with an investigation although should like call their attorneys first, which no one did regarding the events of the day of Tom’s disappearance on July 21, 2007.
With all due respect for the situation regarding Tom Drew’s leaving his home in period of about 10 minutes on 7/21/07 about 7:10 pm, the much more serious concern raised by this particular case is that family and friends in a small community may be in a mix of collective denial and benign neglect.
Allison and Bettina have publicly been quoted (and share in the book) that they feel their father was competent to drive, live alone, be left alone at home and out in his yard for years. The caregiver specifically decided to stay against the guidelines the main caregiver stated each time that ‘she was not to stay overnight’.
But finding Tom in the same place she left him the prior night, decided short of reporting the family to elder services (which in hindsight would have been the right thing to do even though she shared concerns with professional in the area. All of them said “let the family make the rules.”)
Family, friends, people in faith and local groups should seek clarity about a number of ‘gentle or specific’ ways to intervene, oversee, volunteer and yes, report concerns when there is a clear danger, whether immediate or moreover when it happens over a longer period of time.
One person heard from Tom a few years prior that he was an accident. He explained that ‘the car went ‘woo-woo-woo’ and circled his hand to show it was spinning) and they took it away!’ There is an extensive deposition given about the overall months of care given on weekends by the fill-in caregiver, and of that particular day.
The outcome of all of this deserves its own FB page with a dedicated team of locals and professionals working together to simply convey the totality of the situation over the course of a few years.
Tom Drew went from being able to function with dementia to having an overall decline with mental abilities and speaking. He did not speak to people by name, could not carry on an conversation at length.
He could understand some things and respond with simple answers or comply with a request to come sit for a meal, take meds. For many weekends he did not want to go outside, but nine months before he would go for a walk up his driveway or out in the yard.
The caregiver kept a close eye on him even though it was remote location with sweeping lawns. Again for the local people who knew him, for volunteers, and others who would really like to follow through on forming a comprehensive study of the situation and material, that would be a good way to honor his legacy and even show respect for the family.
Not all of what they did was ‘spot on’ however and the part-time caregiver did not want to put them in a poor light. She stayed for free many nights even though Allison says she had paid her 50 dollars for each time as the caregiver had offered (rather than 15/hr for a 10 hour period not being covered overnight.) So either the main caregiver or Allison was not telling the truth on that matter. Bank statements in terms of accounting would clear that matter up since payment was made by check. One time the caregiver paid the part-time caregiver fifty dollars to clean the home and wipe the floor with wetwipes in the kitchen to be extra clean, which she did since he said he found a messy floor annoying.
The main caregiver was in charge of paying her and told her there was no payment for extra time or overnights and that she was not expected or wanted to stay by the family each time. The caregiver would not leave even if there would have been a 2 hour gap in coverage after feeling Tom was not capable of handling an emergency or might have a fall.
The search was extensive initially by both caregivers (and the main one had returned at 7:30pm and said that ‘Tom wandered once before out to the bridge last month.’ but hadn’t mentioned it since he found him and it didn’t happen again.
The part time caregiver ran around the large lawns and was eager to alert the police once realizing he must have gone further than they would be able to cover. The police did not start searching until after 9 and it was dark.
The part-time caregiver insisted they try to get going while they were seeming to strategize about getting a blood hound which was on the other side of the state of CT.
The other approach would have been to report the person missing to the fire dept and they would have brought in the K-9 rescue team.
A member of that group was there two days later and saw that the trunk of the Blue Buick Century car the caregiver drove all the time would not open.
The car trunk was fixed at North East Muffler by a fellow named Joe who was missing a tooth (or two) who had to take the seat out and unlatch if from the inside. It was full of belongings.
The police later searched the vehicle a year later, and had to remove all the things and clothes and tested for any blood residue etc, but found nothing.
The part time caregiver had asked them specifically to see that her trunk did not open the night of the loss but they brushed off the need for that.
She said, “I would definitely want to know if the car had been checked if someone was missing.” She thought of that in part because she had heard of a child getting lost by hiding in a trunk of an abandoned car once.
There are numerous points to go over carefully, largely to correct many errors that were printed as fact (even once by Brigette Ruthman who said the part time caregiver changed her story, saying she may have read that somewhere but did not speak with her directly even though she has known her for years and has a lot of family in the area so could have been contacted in that manner. Brigitte Ruthman printed a correction in the Waterbury Republican of CT a week later.)
The very concerning matter for everyone is that ‘something may have happened to Tom’ after he left the property either by a wild animal or a person, intentionally or accidentally. The part time caregiver discussed such possibilities with nice neighbors who she met at the time of his disappearance.
They were so sweet in that they had been given a home and put fresh flowers in their yard at a special spot in their relative’s memory weekly. Maybe we can appreciate that effort as one to remember all of our loved ones, and particularly Tom Drew.
For all the years that have passed, Allison and Bettina have not taken a moment to say “if the part-time caregiver were telling the complete truth, we are appreciative and cannot blame her since we did advise her to let our father feel like he was not being micro-managed and to let him have some freedom.”
One of them was working upstairs during a week’s stay and insisted her father was fine most of the day on his own downstairs while she was busy writing. The part-time caregiver had thought to come meet her and had offered to stay for free. She specifically said that was not desired by her or her father so to leave so she could get back to work.
There are numerous responses to the allegations with consistent, specific information. The overall pattern of ‘forming an independent task force’ and looking over matters regularly is one that could guide many kinds of situations and really could be available to all people to have ‘a second opinion’ and current guidance for caring for anyone.
The part-time caregiver has watched dozens of people since she was a teenager, whether children or adults. She has been a phys ed teacher at a private school, driving kids in a van for field trips and to take classes.
She has been a recreation director and overseen a few medical emergencies, including giving one man the Heimlich maneuver. He was too embarrassed to ask for help from others close by he told her later. She cared for her own children for two decades as well as other young children she still is in touch with today.
She has kept track of many hundreds of children through substitute teaching, getting to know local schools and working toward safer activities for youth (such as not having 6th graders go to dances with 7th and 8th graders in the northwest corner of CT.) She has had first aid, CPR, a CNA training, is a regular member of local churches and was a GS leader, having enjoyed being a Brownie to a Cadette, an athlete and dancer, and rather smart capable student at three high schools and at Vassar College.
She was raised a Catholic and confirmed with some good friends who were close to her throughout her adult years. She had concerns about the strict policies about women and more so attended Protestant Churches and even JW.org and Church of Latter Day Saints, and Native American culture, meditation and other faiths to learn more.
At Vassar taking classes to teach elementary school and studying psychology, she ran the welcoming events for freshmen at a camp out, promoted networking on the college campus and kept up with a large extensive family from CT.
She took a 2-month long trip in 1983 to meet other family and friends, see national parks and each coast before settling down in the northwest corner of CT where she was born and raised, going one year to HVHRS.
She did not drink or use drugs and was promoting peaceful parenting, not spanking or yelling at children (which was more common among some people still back in the 1990s before more laws have made it clear that is not okay.)
If something had happened in terms of a fall or accident, being very honest and caring about Christian values, she would have called for help and faced any consequences had she done something inappropriate or criminal as far as she can honestly say even 13 years later.
She had her children come visit once at Tom Drew’s with permission from the other caregiver who she considered a nice friend. The kids played in the yard for an hour by themselves. Clearly that likely was not the best idea even though it’s a quiet lovely yard, there could have been wild animals to be aware of.
That’s the kind of ‘new normal’ more parents may want to pay attention to, and communities as well to clarify expectations of whether children can be out in a town on their own even if they live nearby. At what age should supervision be eased up?
That varies in many communities, but ideally there would be consistency, discussion and communication about all of that (with online updates for instance.) The same goes for pets in terms of being left in a car alone or even an elder or child , someone ill or sleeping, someone who cannot get out of the car readily and so on.
Even with windows down a car can get hot quickly, so best to have back up plans and a way to take a pet in a pouch or blanket or child (in an umbrella stroller for instance) into a store…Lots of concern about people driving (whatever their age, but having some partners who would be looking out for one another if there are concerns about drugs or difficulty (even prescription ones, medical conditions, pregnancy, and violence or stress etc.)
Having someone drive a person’s car, then giving them rides and then getting them to turn over the keys and not renew a license etc are all steps that could be reviewed (and not letting them out and about if there are concerns they would drive someone else’s car, etc.)
That’s plenty for now, but again, it’s a start and can be empowering to make progress, however long it takes.”All of life is an act of faith.” The late KarenKisslinger.com is one person the part-time caregiver helped with childcare and who knew her for years, having worked on starting Morning Song Nursery School together and gave a nice recommendation.