Some Plain Hard Facts--We're Biased and Blinded by our Biases!

The breaking news in a respectable Domestic Violence publication  is that professionals and the rest of us judge people with our personal bias, not by what we are trained to do when it comes to situations like Domestic Violence and Abuse. Who knew? Apparently, we tend to Blame the Victim, no matter how many times we are told that's not the way to protect her or her kids.

We think' she deserves it' or that 'no one helped women much in the past, why do These Women need help in these modern times? The list goes on and does not serve our collective journey toward comprehending relationship dynamics and public settings such as schools and towns and even citiesMost people will defend their bias even if they become aware of it. 'I'm as much of an expert as the next guy. Anybody can crank out a book or statistics to support their views.'

There comes a time when people should put themselvs on Pause for the cause of improving Everybuddy's safety and knowledge..then they can opt back to being biased but hopefully won't want to..Ideally they will repost this kind of transitional piece and people around the world will realize the ripple effect that when we keep women and children safe and help each other survive as a forest of friends against corporate takeovers, then we may actually find ways to live more sustainably on the plan-it earth with heart, which will make it a nicer, and likely healthier  place to be.

We will all be more caring and considerate. I realize we view nice as weak, but we need to amend that with being smart and networked to prevent and intervene with trends that land many youth and young adults (mostly men) in jail or troubled situations.

Mainly, many need to learn to read and write and have a team of support guiding them through life whether at college or in a community. We need to make these options more viable, yet that's 'nobody's job', and can be risky when done by just a few. That's why we all need to get on board with the ideas of promoting values of safety, respect and well-being, and NOT being biased. Let a few think things through IF you don't have the time, but then Try to LISTEN!!

(I need to research the resource, but start with Safe Kids International site online or www.civicresearchinstitute.org or www.domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com -- a webpage Every School and Town as well as woman and family should factor into their PLANS before marrying, having kids, teaching about relationships, sex ed, parenting and much more).

PLANS  can mean People Living, Learning, and Loving with Agreements and Alliances, Netorking and Noticing through Schools and Society as well as online on FB, e-mails, blogs and the media coverage of all abuse and other crimes. The Words we use paint pictures and ideas. 

Too often if we hear 'a husband killed his wife' we think 'she should not have stayed by choice..and clearly she had a choice, she married him!" End of thought process. People do not have a clear screening and team-building process to make sure they don't get 'too involved too fast' or to 'doublecheck with sites such as www.rainn.org or www.duluth-model.org as well as call anonymous hotlines if not regular counselors to run by Any Situation and ASK to be screened, knowing one does not know all one should find out intuitively.

The longer a situation continues, the harder it is to disengage.Many exits are blocked if not  physically , then economically (one or no car or ride money, no or little childcare, few friends, and even emotionally with self-balme which is common for women who feel they are deficient, unskilled, even cursed or jinxed.

When the 'good times outweigh the bad' by even a little bit, why not act in hopes that the good times will outpace the bad? Why would it be any different with another person (whether dating, mating, or relating more as friends, co-workers, students, etc). How CAN someone really draw the line when a bully is at one's school or workplace or extended family, or worse, in one's immediate family or household?

These insights take time, and need to take root amidst many mix thaed messages from faith and religion coaching women to be caregivers, forgiving, accepting, supportive, mild-mannered, and quiet of voice and pen. Men are coached to 'take charge, NOT ask for directions or coaching,  NOT be accountable to anyone until 'the job is done' if ever, Not make mistakes and much more in terms of being competitive, ready to defend one's country or turf, ready to work night and day to pay, Pay, PAY!

The pressure cooker is one that we all live in and need to reflect on seriously in terms of how we Keep It Going in Schools, from the earliest years of a child's life with gender and role stereotypes, with a lack of forums for Women and Children, and even men to get Curious and Explore The way things ARE.Where's the Wiggle Room when it comes to finding freedom and thinking out loud when Regulations have  US-All pinned against the wall like so many pink slips giving us notice that we're no longer of value or needed?

Or with that option one word or episode away whether from a job, a missed payment for mortgage or credit cards (which often means a big set-back that then makes it hard to pay up), an injury or loss or change--TRY to consider what a separation from one's spouse and even kids would look like financially, socially, emotionally and even physically as a basic way to Try to prepare yourself for the unexpected.

Not unlike emergency workers who run drills and act out scenarios (often with real people, actors, broken or destroyed cars and scenes to run through their natural responses and get some insight into how to cope with the UNthinkable). Knowing how to stay safe in a fire, accident, bullying situation or rescue scene (someone drowning and calling for help or being close enough to want to help but facing drowning oneself--see Kaelan Paton story on google to consider the dangers such as on www.tricornernews.com which has some lengthy coverage of the June 16th, 2009 event with the details available At that Time.

No parents of many teens were interviewed as a matter of due course by the police and the public still does not understand that teens should have been much better supervised since they were under 18 and their parents are legally responsible and liable for them until that age. Ask any parent in a custody battle and they likely could have predicted that as one that would not have flown well in court if their parenting plan included doing dangerous activities and not supervising their kids well. YET the law is not crystal clear on that point, and when I brought it up the week and more before our son died to court personnel, they rolled their eyes saying I was trying to come up with reasons to Delay the Divorce which everyone knew I never wanted at that time.

I was okay with living apart, but I did not know The First Thing about Divorce (having been reared Catholic and considered divorce taboo on many levels since I heard there were no guarantees I would have support or a way to have our children with me regularly even if family and friends would agree to provide visiting places.

That is still a huge need in every state, likely not only for parents apart, but for many families who are imited with resources of regular housing, transportation and funds to use said transportation, including with insurance and upkeep. The First Thing EVERYONE needs to know about divorce is a Mother Should NOT leave her Children, even if she NEEDS to leave the home.

Legally, neither parent is supposed to be able to be forced out of the home due to the Automatic Orders provisions, but many attorneys look at that as a mere nuisance or even an interesting challenge to side step. Once away from your kids, you may never 'get them back legally' or get back in your 'marital home' (if you rent or even own it) or See your kids regularly! Does every parent, especially MOTHER realize these are likely possibilities IF the Abusive DAD wants to fight it out in court? I doubt it. This happens to 60K Protective MOTHERS every year.  Does it happen to Dads? Some nice ones, unfortunately and some mean ones who are not safe..

But don't we want to look at the facts? NO! It's Nobody's Job to do so and Educate the PUBLIC, especially Young Women and even young men to warn them about a gender-defect that is in our culture like an epidemic. Why not rethink the expectations we place on young people, parents-to-be and parents at large as well as schools and towns when it comes to their role in nurturing children, offering safety and protection through open centers (24-7/ 365 since last I knew that's how long parents are liable for watching their kids. In rural environments, perhaps Schools could be open that much, in terms of a couple of classrooms with supervisors (yes, volunteers, cameras and folks checking in All students and kids in town (yes, even the babies with their mamas or appropriate papas) could spend a week camping out at school so they could really feel 'at home' and ready to ask for help.

There are not enough shelters and often people go there when the danger levels are  very high. Why not do outreach to Help ALL people understand abuse, from the very youngest to the eldest in a town, so they could feel Someone WILL listen to them and HELP them get out and stay out (or better yet, get the bully out and   keep him out.) IF it's a woman beng off-kilter, she should agree to get a good physical and mental health screening and counseling to review her own life, likely she learned to cope early in life by telling people what to do, not asking for help or seeing that modelled. 

Meanwhile Professionals are Biased about topics like Domestic Abuse. Whatever they read likely will not register beyond their Personal  Beliefs and Biases regarding the  topic. They really are blind to the issue, even if in the medical or counseling field, a teacher or coach, an attorney or judge or GAL (guardian ad litem which also happens to be the initials of the new prince in England, a nice tribute to his grandma Diana who could have used a ton of interventions including a Trained GAL to prioritize domestic abuse and vilolence. Most are not so trained and actually minimize and deny evidence of abuse. Too many legal professionals believe 'the abuse will end when the divorce stops since the parties won't live together or interact much'. WRONG! The control an abuser exercises over All of the Family, including the kids, continues and often Escalates...see www.lundybancroft.com who has researched this for a few decades and works with other advocates who are trying to keep women alive and safe!

Once we accept our limited understanding of these issues, we can turn to the best practices in states that prioritize abuse for everyone's safety in any kind of court matter--criminal or civil (such as in family law matters as divorceand custody are categorized). Often those courts--criminal and family--can be night and day..Where crimes are punished in criminal court they may be Rewarded in Family court. Judges don't want moms to 'badmouth' Dads, alienate kids and so on. They will give custody to Dads even when they have violent histories or even when there is evidence (Inot only allegations) of secual abuse of the children (or mother--unwanted sexual contact, and who could blame a woman for not wanting safety in that area if a man is being unreasonable and intimidating?)

Every woman is essentially on her own to figure out these dilemmas and few can begin to warn her. Many feel 'it is not their place'. Even domestic abuse programs can ostracize some victims. IF a woman is trying to comprehend what factors into a man's abusive patterns, she can be labelled 'other-focused' every time she mentions an idea or resource she thinks may shed light on the root cause. That's NOT what the agencies were trained to do for decades. Now Best Practices are saying not only can women read Lundy Bancroft's books, including Why does he DO that? They need to realize the courts are Biased Againts Mothers who are in abusive situations.

There is no group insisting Judges learn and practice with accountability in terms of prioritizing not only a woman's safety, but her children's. This drives some Moms to feel like 'the world is coming to an end'. The loss of one's children to the courts, even the loss of  relationship one did not want to have end--having to give up hope a man/father Would GET HELP--is akin to losing  a child to death. We see how many people in relationships over-identify with their partner and feel like 'all is lost' if the relationship ends. They would rather kill the person, often the girlfriend, wife or mother of their kids--if not their own mother in some cases like Adam Lanza's which I am just considering now may have been done in the vein of 'making sure he knew where his mother was, how her life turned out, or knowing he may or would kill himself, did not want to go out alone' rather than killing her out of hostility. I don't mean to offend anyone with that thought, and really even if he were apparently killing her out of hatred, many theorists would argue that one can only hate someone that much who means so much to them.

That's why the Buddhists and other traditions  speak of being wary of passions that run 'too HOT or too Cold"...being Too Attached to what Appears as solid and real, whether outside of oneself or Inside. Many people end their own lives because they take themselves or their misery 'too personally' and forget about the bigger picture. They  may really be trying to 'get out of their minds' and only think of doing so by 'getting out of their bodies' (if they Think abou tit at all in advance..some suicidal feelings can come up like a tornado out of nowhere..and the person may be surprised to find themselves 'ready to step in front of a bus' as Christine Northrup, MD described she once considered in college out of the blue...

Thankfully a call home with a reminder from her Dad that she could always come home if there were ever a problem eased her  feelings. As one wise friend said after the loss of 40-year-old competent EMT and distraught boyfriend whose partner was ending their relationship said. "I wish he would have picked up the phone, not a gun." That was the case of Doug Garney of Fairfield which was in the news in the spring of 2013. His girlfriend was not hurt yet was lucky to be able to call 911.

They needed to search for him, so likely many people were cleared out and on edge knowing there was a distraught person nearby. They found him out in the woods. I have heard of other stories where a teen or young 20-something year old declared to their girlfriends they would end their lives if they broke up with them. One case was in Florida and I called our high school to tell them to be more aware of such dramas that factor into a suicide. We had a case in Goshen where a youth did the same thing, leaving his family home with a rifle without them realizing it.

The one in Florida as well as another loss of a Vassar College alum (my era, so about late 40s at the time) shot himself in front of their 'partners' when the relationship was ending. That seems to be a factor in the August 2013 Waltham MA case as well, which claimed the life of a mother of a young child by the father. She had changed her FB status to 'it's complicated'.More than we collectively we accept, yes All of this is Very Complicated, and sometimes Fatal to many victims as well as perpetrators.

We cannot pretend we live in a bubble since we've had not only TANSH (tragedy and transition for all of us as Newtown, Sandy Hook--and one could add Colorado movie  theatre, Trayvon Martin in his neighborhood, or Boston Marathon or yes, 9/11 in NYC).

The point is we really need to Wake UP collectively, ideally get into Buddy Systems that use overarching PLANS to run safe schools and towns, states (and courts, and other protective services such as medical and mental health people screening for abuse, divorce, custody--sadly, those terms can be interchangeable along with a 'conflicted marriage or partnership', low income, substance abuse or even stress of a new child, caring for an ill or elderly person and much more...).

There should be centers open with computers and phones 24-7 in this day and age, perhaps linked up with ERs but also at community centers or schools. We need to find ways to help everyone feel connected, be fed and clothed, get basics down and accept help to get needs met. By then, few should be eager to look for desperate ways to survive. Suddenly 'jungle values' of survival of the fittest seem to take over when people's basis survival (or even keeping up with the social trends) becomes the name of the game. What are some ways we each could 'detach, learn to be more aware of our thoughts, breathing, body, daily routines, conversations, emotions..and more'.

There are few teachers yet many students. Let US-All try to relax and tune into sites like www.healthyplace.com and find ways to connect with nature, good people and books, sites and programs to assure us we are not alone (or a loan as www.occupy.com reminds us). Now that we know we are blinded by our biases, let's not be so biased.

Let US-All  think of healing, feeling and dealing collectively with our lives and world..we're here anyway (and see Spiritual Science and The Thriver Movie or www.firethegrid.com ) for ways to consider our energy and therefore our lives never end even beyond death..so why not enjoy the ride of life and living fully with compassion and care for self and others, and find ways to make it safe and reasonable to do so, even if some connections need to be limited in terms of direct (or even indirect interaction). It may Seem unfair and impossible to live without certain family and friends in one's life, even one's home or places one grew up, but really 'it's all in our minds' and we are more like water balloons and energy beings so we can connect and  send loving thoughts and That connects us more than any hugs or talks.

Okay, I know that sounds like a pipe dream ( a certain kind of pipe even) but Trying that Out and Seeking Ways to Protect Each person's safe, reasonable relationships is the overall goal. Not giving into the fear from anotther's threats that they will 'take everything from you, they don't love you, they don't want you or need you, they won't see  you or talk to you' is a skill to lean gently over time and with a lot of support.

Those are primal fears and resound in chamber of our hearts and minds that has lost people to illness or suicide, broken friendships or love relationships. There are emotions we see in movies and in our  circles that cry out that we are vulnerable human beings, really like Babies and that no one can comfort us, not even ourselves.

The new awareness however seems to be that we need to be on our own teams, and that everybody knows what a bully is and even a side of ourselves that picks on ourselves relentlessly as not good enough, not successful or in shape and so on. Most of that is coming from the airwaves, the TV and songs. We have been brainwashed to believe we are not Whatever Enough.

That seems TRUE but we need to override that constant drone with the peace andlove message from the 60s that finally helped call Viet Nam to the mat as an unjust war and a crime against humanity, not unlike the Atom Bomb being dropped (see the Myth of Hiroshima). When we see the incredible damage putting the power of our peole in the hands of a few can do, we all should seek ways to have better accountability, many checks and balances And factor in that our human nature is not perfect, so not to just go by someone's title or outward credentials, but make sure there is oversight.

There are no guarantees this will happen even in the realm of family court. We see the military is not unlike a dysfunctional family. The world over, women are silenced as a matter of bias and common practice.

No one with power gives it up voluntarily Even IF that would be in their best interest! Many elderly hang on to their own assets, even without a will, and end up losing much to a nursing home or even to family who force them to go into one( Or medical people who have such power to put them in short-term and Not let them out..if they don't have advocates, then it's the old pattern of making off with a person's assets once they are in the system.

That goes back to the MIddle Ages, see The Burning Times  (a documentary video from 20 years ago) when women were accused of witchcraft and then charged for their time in prison. They'd have to pay by losing their property (so many with property were summarily charged and help to incur high fees). Women were also kept from medical school for centuries since 'only the educated could go, and girls could not go to school or learn to read'. Have things really changed that much the world over or for the Majority of women even in the US?

Okay, thanks for listening in and trying to follow this train of thoughts...As one Mom of a dozen was known to  shout  in times of a lot of sharing or even to cool off from emotional storms--"Whoooo, whooo!" It's a  safe way to cool the air and release tension, but nowadays,  best done alone and out of earshot from neighbors who may call to 911 for disorderly conduct etc...or out of real  concern that someone is 'vocalizing, waking up. or talking about weird schtuff."