Thinking of Wedding Bells (and Marriage Contracts, Parenting and more) for US-All
The TV series on the Duggar Family has put the idea of marriage and weddings at the forefront of many people's minds along with more focused shows such as "Say Yes to the Dress"..Aren't individuals marrying another person, not a dress, tux or bikini for that matter? Congratulations to all who have braved with sincere hearts to be ready to care for themselves and another person and a growing family and circle of friends. Each partnership is meaningful to understand the arena of relationships in each state and country.
I am braving reviewing some sacred and civil norms in our United States of a Miracle, where women supposedly Do have a say and even a Choice in not only their wedding attire but the person each marries (and normally that's one but again, the terms 'same-sex marriage' as well as TV shows such as 'My Five Wives' and other polygamist or open-marriage arrangements are adding to the cultural definitions of marriage.)
President Clinton spoke not long ago about dismantling the political Defense of Marriage Act which defined marriage as only between a man and a woman. That opened the way for same-gender or same-sex marriages, again between two people. Many cities in various parts of the country have a more culturally open or flexible definition of marriage as between a man and two or more wives (sometimes with the wives having separate housing or in the Jeffers case, sharing a large home compound.)
There's not a very clear set of terms (or a menu of options) but likely there are in reality a number of 'variations on the terms of more than two adults being involved intimately with each other at the same time'.
Points to consider include that the Centers of Disease Control reported about five years ago that about a third of monogamous couples had one or more parties not living in that context whether the other person approved or did not know or approve of such.
In England, they considered whether youth should be able to learn about any discrepancy of who their birth father was if there were a request (particularly for health reasons, but in general as a way of acknowledging that many father figures may not actaully be the biological father).
I am hoping to be very objective in this discussion of critical issues which await many youth and even current adults who are married or coupled to consider in a more practical manner to avoid difficulties or 'unpleasant surprises' due to denial or lack of understanding about the culture or people who may be in one's life.
The Pope and others are considering making annulments free rather than allowing for huge financial costs and bureaucratic policies to make it very difficult for Catholic married people to divorce and be able to remarry in the Catholic Church. The Annulment would essential make their original marriage vows and thus the marriage 'null and void'.
One person pointed out on a talk show that would essentially make the children of such an annullment akin to being born illegitimately or out-of-wedlock in their mind if not in wider circles. The pressure to conform to fundamentalist or strict doctrines of any religion or culture should be carefully considered by a civil law think-tank to help all citizens understand their rights and options under the civil laws of their country.
If a divorce or even domestic abuse interventions are needed, those laws could become their reality with 'one episode' or 'one legal filing' (for divorce or custody of the children or even primary or sole residency of the marital home).
Every state has its own criteria that pertains to the citizens living there (usually for a period of six months to a year or more as a residency requirement). In terms of getting married that can be done likely in any state and needs to have a Justice of the Peace or Minister and a local Town or City Clerk of that state do the legal paperwork about the marriage. If a person is married in another country, it does not hurt to have an American marriage ceremony performed in the US as well to help gain legal standing.
Also if one lives abroad and has a will done outside of the US that will hold up most likely even if one has a verbal or other written agreement that a person would follow the terms of an American will. The most recent Last Will will prevail. Any legal document should have two witnesses and a notarized signature (often available through a Town Clerk or at a Bank, etc). Don't leave important matters for later, since sometimes 'the unexpected Happens'.
In terms of Making Legal Commitments and Agreements, more searches online and with a person's family and friends, and yes the person (or as the case may be other people) involved should plan for review of terms on a yearly or more regular basis.
The idea that a religion or other cultural factors may weigh heavily on a person's faith and follow-through may be very important to clarify. Will there be limits in light of the laws such as in the United States about domestic abuse? There's more to say, but I need to post before my library time is up...Add thoughts as you can and Best Wishes to do right by yourself and any in your life and family who count on you to be a team player...
Comments
Maybe Wait a Full Year (or more) to Get Legally Married
The idea of waiting to get married is not a new one..but the idea of really getting to know another person (or even oneself) has not been given much public consideration.
Some basics to consider--the ages of the two people--are they each mature enough to know what they are really getting into as an adult-type person, as the role they may play if planning on having or adopting a child or more than one? What would the timing of that be?
Is that major development thought through carefully with at least the other person but even other family and friends?
Or is that huge new role and set of responsibilities for months and years 'left open to God's will, nature and factors yet to be determined' with options to abstain from having relations (or using other reliable forms of birth control if that complies with their world views) if one or both parties are not certain they are ready or wanting to take on a longterm commitment as a parent or caregiver?
Can each person have a 'room or space' of one's own in their own home as well as in a family or friend's home if need be for personal space, with agreements about activities, other people and interactions clearly defined?
Ideally visiting with other people could be done primarily in public until more trust and logisitics are worked out to avoid someone developing an attachment to a 'mutual friend who likes to spend time' with one of the parties even if the other is not there, or doing things that may lead to building a stronger connection than intended (even working together, taking long drives for work-related or other reasons).
Ideally people of the opposite sex should not make a regular practice of spending time alone together, and even those of the same sex if becoming involved romantically is a known possibility and problematic.
Overall, a clear set of guidelines could be developed for more people to consider yet customized to their social and geographic areas.
When people are using any mind/body-altering substances, safety for driving, relating and socializing should be understood clearly with some sober people mixed in to keep everyone in check as agreed upon. If that is a big issue, perhaps keeping such gatherings to public places (which provides a sense of chaperoning) makes sense for the first few years if not longer.
Speaking of drinking and such, many people associate celebrations such as weddings with 'getting wasted' or close to it. Again, having some sober folks keeping an eye out for the crowd would make sense.
Getting transportation and buddy systems in place for those who may not only indulge but overdo it makes sense. We want happy endings. That would mean not leaving the main event and in general keeping a clear eye on one's drink (more for college age kids or out at bars, to avoid any kind of 'date rape' drup being added to it) and to be aware of where one's friends or family are at all times.
Getting help for any kind of alcohol poisoning or mixed reaction could save a people bigger troubles if not their lives
. Sadly, I've known a few families who have lost 'good kids' to complications to drug use, some 'almost expected' but plenty by complete surprise after only using one time but not getting help when needed.
Lest it sound like there can be 'no fun to be had' if drinking is modest or missing from an event, be assured that good times can be had by all by tuning into the care and love in a family and wider circle of friends coming together to celebrate a commitment--whether a formal engagement or wedding or other kind of 'partnership' or anniversary, housewarming, baby welcoming (or baptism), birthdays or other seasonal occassions for the holidays or life events.
The more one takes time to feel good about oneself in terms of health and organization to get to the event and tune into the times with an awareness of our connections socially if not in a family or area, then the event can flow into the story of our lives
. Taking time to meet and greet people, enjoy food and music or other parts of the event can all become reasons to feel good and mark the occassion.
A few hours or a day can become a stand-out memory. Appreciating the work and efforts of those involved--the partners, the families, the friends and others joining in will bring a lot of energy and joy to all attending.
The two (or as the case may be for various kinds of events other number of people) in a commitment ceremony have likely thought through many parts of their lives.
Maybe they've known each other for months, but hopefully for more like years. A one year basic time frame could give people a reasonable amount of time to really think things through.
The idea of waiting to hold hands until engaged or to wait to kiss until married may be placing a little too much pressure on a couple's mind and body to sort things out rationally.
How will a couple know if they really feel comfortable with each other physically if they have no particular way to guage those feelings with some involvement?
At younger ages that is an even bigger consideration since people could be developing in significantly different ways. Women and men are different in important ways, and what feels good to one may not really be a thrill for the other.
A book about The Big Bang Theory rather humoursly yet seriously addresses the notion that a woman may very well benefit from 'taking things slowly' while a man may be happy enough to get going and finish sooner rather than later.
That could apply to many aspects to being involved, yet includes the idea of being intimate.
Not too much information really explores what 'taking it slowly' means along with being kind and considerate as a basic way of interacting rather than assuming both parties will be available and 'warmed up' at a moment's notice. These are rather widespread misconceptions which could use more discussing before lifelong commitments are made in very public ways.
Overall, some kind of 'basic understandings and agreements' about human development and physiology through the teen and early adult years could be shared by a team of caring, informed people and at least a website.
The information could address the kinds of laws against domestic abuse and violence laws so that both parties (and others who may in some cases be involved in counseling or even engaged with the couple) understand their are natural and legal limits to anyone 'complying' to 'having to listen to, talk to, be with, share with, provide for, be intimate with on any level' and so on.
Each kind of involvement a person has with another, particularly their 'partner' needs to be voluntary and current on a daily and action-to-action basis.
If someone is attracted to their partner by what s/he wears, says, does or 'starts' with touching or kissing, that does not mean there is a green light to continue then and there or even later to be more involved.
Sharing a bed does not mean a complete type of access to 'anything or everything' one of the people wants to do. The idea of being with someone 'in sickness and in health, for better or for worse' is vague and not practical.
There may be a need to 'take time apart' even in one's home, or going to another place, particularly if one person is acting in a hostile or abusive manner, or has a substance use problem or any number of reasons.
Those could be agreed upon in advance and updated with a counselor type person.
The idea that a woman needs to 'commit for life' to being with her husband as a sexual partner other than when she really wants to be involved is a lot to ask and really if she does not feel she can say 'no' at times or even for longer periods of time, then she is not really complying
The unspoken pressure on either party to be involved on many levels needs to be clarified.
Providing for basic needs likely is being shared by more couples and yet the reality of earning enough money is pressuring more people to find resources to help in hard times if not longer term.
All of these 'reality checks' need to be discussed more openly online and with some informed people as a couple or family figures out their wants and needs, both practically and legally.
If a divorce or exit strategy is needed, that should be well-researched and as practical as possible to maintain dignity and respect for all parties. Temporary 'controlled separation' for a day, week, month or more, or periodically can be crafted. More on this in another post..peace and best of luck making big decisions as you can with support!
Post new comment