Learn About Abuse and Legalities of Marriage and Parenthood Today

Online this morning, I read about Jack Sheedy who was happily married to Jean Sands later in life. She passed away from painful illnesss but had written poetry for two books, the most recent is called Close But Not Touching" and the former one "Gandy Dancing" (2009). The latter  Jean was able to get published and the other not quite.

In the Republican-American CT newspaper, Jack says throwing out her work would have been like letting all her work be for nothing. He wanted to honor her efforts which would have been a gift to him by making it a gift for her. Some of her poems speak to abuse she suffered earlier in her life.There will be a reading of her "Make Me Cry" poems  by four friends today from 1-3pm on 9-24-17 at the Litchield OWL, Oliver Wolcott Library.

That story and a nice picture of Jean, of Newtown CT, was shared on a FB Communiity Page by Amy Wynn who runs the Arts Council in NWCT as well. I took time to reflect on this and now feel it's a way of 'heaven speaking to us' given that many of us know each other in the northwest corner area and our lives through shared interests and people often involve 'bearing one another's burdens.'

Our own teen son, Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton, passed away on June 16, 2009 in a harrowing effort to rescue people from dangerous waters. That is an analogy for how we could look at helping people in abusive situations.

What will it take to intervene in a timely safe manner, and even help heal on many levels whether from abuse or the loss of a loved one to death, a change in relationship status and more. There are many more 'poems and reflections' to have and share..and more work to spell out clear safety plans and ways to be of support to whom over time.

Whether it is news of someone's passing from illness, injury or accident, or even abuse, we all can appreciate knowing on a more personal level what the people  involved experienced and the lessons we can all learn to help life go a bit better in the future.I wrote about the Tragedy At Newtown Sandy Hook (TANSH) over the years on this blog, and hopefully we can all keep safety in mind as well as learning about possible 'other views' whether about Gun Violence (And the Concert Across America this weekend. The Carey Gabay Foundation holds there's in NYC tonight...and yes, I'm going.) or www.ae911.org or www.PatriotsQuestion911.org.

We all want to be better prepared whether on personal, close-to-home level or larger scale concern. Why not 'group up' with others in your area, often 8 is a magic number Byron Katie is writing about as does Adam Brock...to get things done, to review basic safety and think in positive ways for helping one another (and getting outside help as needed as well...sometimes it's knowing the question to ask, having time or common sense, some resources, pooling those and streamlining efforts that makes life work and helps people explore feelings, ideas and ways to handle conflict amicably--with some safety plans in place  to walk away (not talk directly face to face, maybe make a list or set of notes, a call to a friend and more., even spend some time apart for a day or more..

Breathing room. And caring for kids safely (from not wrapping infants too tightly or covering their faces--yes, I sadly saw this and tried to mention my concern only to have a Dad say' he's fine' and wrap him back up. I let 311 know but that's another reason to educate one another about all things safe and common sense through all ages and stages of life. And thus, the blog...

As I am writing this, I am hearing The Simpsons on a WNYC public radio station. For me, I know the creator of The Simpsons had strong connections to Kent CT. That was one of the shows our family could all watch together and laugh at.

Our late son Kaelan particularly enjoyed that show with Bart pulling antics and Homer being goofier than goofy. Learning to laugh at oneself or see our 'cartoon version' of ourselves may be a clever way to coax some people out of their stance that 'they are who they are and Will Not Change. Maybe they feel they Cannot Change or Would be Proven a Fake if they switcher gears, or be found out for lies or trouble that caused others great harm, loss of property if not loss of life. I write on other posts that we have to look at the longer spiritual picture likely to make way for forgiveness and healing.

For many that may seem to mandate Never Speaking to Certain People or About Certan Topics (with certain people etc) Forever...The black and white thinking could be part of a mental level of development (in the concrete thinking stage and not able to understand analogies, stories and abstract ideas...a growing problem I've heard from professionals as many children do poorly in school then don't have skills to navigate modern life as well as would be helpful to themselves and others.)

Okay, so back to these posts, Maybe the loved ones on the other side of the veil nudged me to explore these ideas as yet another chapter of the books they wanted to write here on earth even down the road a spell. Hopefully everyone reading it can consider their own life story and family and community stories as they may pertain..and trust me, They Do!!

I continued reflecting on this on www.livfully.org Can you summarize the article since one needs to buy a subscription to the paper to read it..Her name and the the name of the books.

Meanwhile, I am heading to the Carey Gabay Foundation Concert today in NYC, donations against gun violence and for community safety welcome (or to help fund my 100 dollar ticket okay too, but not tax-deductible..but a nice way to feel one's connecting with the cause.

Unfortunately rates of injury or being done in by a gun go up quite a bit (especially for a woan) if there's a gun in her home..and others living there... I don't mean to sound sexist in any way as I describe that most abuse, injury and killing in our country (and most of the world) is done in 'relationships' ( a confusing term I have made a lot of categories for on my blog, livfully.org also).

But basically most abuse is Male Violence and Control (often through intimidation and threats) Against Women and Children (or other men..

That could cause concern for most men on a few fronts..first to 'see if they may be using their power privilege in unbalanced or controlling ways, and then to advocate for more of their gender to do so and not be silent about the issue.

In Pittsfield MA and other places 'Walking in Her Shoes' is an event where men don high heels and walk a mile (or however long they can stand it) in the streets, and October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.

I may have done more than any agency in the tri-corner area (mostly NWCT) to raise awareness about the matters on my blog and in letters to the paper.. I appreciate all the work WSS and Susan B does in the schools, but the Mothers and Women not in the schools basically remain clueless about what the problem is, how it can be addressed and much more.

Every book group could do a read of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He DO That? (and be aware of the book Should I Stay Or Should I Go, which has a link online with a .net for guys to review. Women can also look into it to see if they may be abusing others, including other women, their partners, children, pets, others etc..

.So hope that's not 'way too much' but it's a response to the worry and confusion that many speak to in poems and stories about the misery... The author of another book spoke in Sharon CT a decade ago.."It's funny he doesn't look like a murderer but Margie's dead" about her daughter getting killed by her 'otherwise in public loving husband'...

Thanks for bringing this story into the wider community forum. There basically needs to be a timeline and dictionary defining the laws and social norms over the decades.

The older a woman is, the more likely she was a domestic abuse victim and didn't even know it...because it didn't have a name. Also when we are being formed in our early years by our family's and society's we are deeply imprinted.

I have heard five year old girls say whether they'd get married (this was about ten years ago.) One was sure she'd be eager to do so, the other one declared." Definitely not. There is no way I am getting married..."

The other day I met a woman who is a translator and single in her 40s (never having married.) She said, "Why would I marry?! I translate contracts for a living and marriage is a huge contract with many gray areas or places things could fall through."

To continue on that note about legal marriage (or even common law marriage if living together for 7 years...which again may vary in states for how long and what that really means, so relationships of all kinds, whether 'romantic' or physically involved (not necessarily the same thing by a long shot), biologically parents together or having adopted or have step children in common etc...or more about family or other close relationships which are also fraught with power imbalances (older versus younger siblings or cousins, etc, wealthier versus poorer, educated versus not so much and skilled or healthy versus not so much...whatever may give one person/people a power and control advantage over another/ others needs serious attention.)

There are laws being written every day in every state to try to help people respect one another's rights...but then there are a heap of systems which intentionally or otherwise charge people/ society an arm and a leg to get any attention the matter and generally can become another stressor if not abusive entity (financially as well if anywhere near a court house or having to pay for supervised visits, court-ordered support or high legal fees of hundreds per hour. )

"Just Leaving" is something many strong capable women in their 20s and 30s think is really a viable option for any woman especially if she has Children. Wrong!! (and sadly for some it turns out Dead Wrong, as in the father of the children kills the mom and/or the kids...if he does That, one out of three times, he ends his own life as well).

That makes his condition one of extreme 'control disorder...' Not to be too graphic or depressing here..but if a person kills another, then he no longer has control over that person..and if he kills himself he doesn't have control over himself either. He (or sometimes a she, generally someone whose been abused or presents as very unstable if not on drugs etc and often as a form of trying to 'protect her kids from worse, including sexual assault by said unstable male." )

These kinds of topics need to be widely and clearly discussed since 'mums the word' has been the media's and society's main stance on these difficult and sadly sometimes deadly matters. Even 'stable' families can have issues come up if one person (generally the woman) speaks of changing the terms or divorcing.

One man in his 40s with two grown daughters who seemed to take the news okay, killed his legal wife a month later. I met the adult daughter who could not forgive him until he was on his death bed and felt it would be easier for her to think of him as a frail human being rather than resent him as a killer. There should be recommendations and a clear rescue plan for any woman, especially with children, who are willing to leave..even to try it out.

That whole scenario can sound like a nightmare and help more people realize that living with an abusive person is like being kidnapped in one's own home...not fun, not okay and yet typically one can become a compliant victim if feeling there is no way out..and again, to learn about the Systems--social services, foster care (that is often a phone call away and even 3 unfounded allegations can result in a removal in some states, and often that is for set 6 months or other timeframe during which divorce proceedings can be started..

.Not necessarily by the woman with safety in mind but often by the abuser with the plan to 'take the children from their mother.' THAT is against International Human Rights Recommendation if not Law. In Any Kind of conflict (war, famine, storms, floods, earthquakes, etc) the best way to keep children safe and alive it's been found is to keep them 'Safe and Together" with their Mother (biological or other primary caregiver, female or male..)

The big problem in civilized societies requiring housing and a certain standard of living not to be deemed neglectful is helping a mother provide for her children. Can society help with that initially or long-term?

Can communities look into local resources and natural supports (possibly other family and friends but maybe they have been tapped out or also have struggles economically, etc?

Older generations looking out for younger generations, such as grandparents are apt to help their own children and grand children would be something that could be emulated society wide.

Grouping people up in reasonable networks, perhaps linked to neighborhoods or towns and certainly in states, would make sense. Only NY has a provision that the state needs to find ways to help people live in the state, I heard at a program recently (That is Article 17 in their state constitution.

If there is a convention to consider amending the NY State Constitution then Article 17 could be on the chopping block and people could lose much needed funds and policies that assist with housing and many other basics.)

Helping Young women (and men) plan to have some sense of security in a relationship (including emotionally not becoming overly dependent or identified with their partner or role in a relationship or even as a parent, although really it is ideal if people can devote a lot of their time and care to their children.

That is considered a luxury now since often both people have to work to have their own home and make ends meet or save for the future...Still, IF a mother faces hearing she may not be able to see her children it can be devastating...and that can happen even to very good mothers who do not break the law(s) as far as they know.

They can often be model mothers and breadwinners but it Happens do to the Current Practices if an abusive father seeks sole custody or alleges abuse. A very typical stance is if a woman identifies him as abusive, he will retaliate and turn the tables.

There are plenty of ways an attorney can normalize that for the abuser yet that is a form of malpractice. Aiding and abetting in the crime of abusing a woman is not ethical. But the FOG( fear, obligation, guilt) and the legal parameters in family courts around the country allow for exactly this kind of dog fight...in the Civil Courts.

IF a woman can seek relief through the criminal court and it gets factored into the civil case (if a divorce or custody is being pursued rather than living separately or otherwise revising the terms and supervision of the family (as agreed to by the parties outside of court if it hasn't gotten to that level or they want to try to avoid court...)

As you can see, no matter what a couple, well-meaning and intentioned hopes for, assuming a romantic connection will readily translate into a legal contract that can be maintained is 'risky business'. Likely most aspects of a marriage can be translated into a 'business or partnership' agreement.'

Owning a house or car together, sharing assets and even co-parenting with some terms spelled out in a MOU (Memorandum Of Understanding) would likely be a reasonable thing for couples starting out in terms of wanting to solidify a commitment. People can clarify many aspects of their intimate lives as well.

How much privacy they would expect in any room in the house (and that includes cooking in the kitchen where plenty of conflicts emerge...taking turns with meal planning, stocking basics--including toilet paper if not birth control, etc--making meals, doing dishes, taking out the trash and/or compost (and a small bag daily can keep things tidy and less foul smelling especially if it includes disposable diapers or bathroom garbage..oh yeah.)

Same goes for using towels (will that be one per person on a certain hook or blues for boys and pinks/reds for women, etc and greens for girls and yellows/golds for young fellows? Some plan to try for a week or month is better than no plan. How often will any one person do Their Own Laundry (ideally stored in their own laundry basket and on their laundry day.--Fridays for Fellows, Mondays for Mothers, Wednesdays for Women (moms can do laundry twice a week but fathers can also help on Mondays...)

If that's not easy, just stick to weekends, but don't let it pile up (again wet clothes, smells and needing clean undies are the main reasons along with avoiding mess or mixing clean and dirty laundry.) Ideally one can get some help from one's partner or a friend, etc but whoever takes the clothes out of the dryer, ideally in a timely way, can shake and fold the clothes to keep the wrinkles at bay, and place in piles for each person (ideally with only one person's laundry and towels being washed together to keep that simpler.)

Going over each aspect of running a house, having a budget or spending plan that both know about and follow with receipts and not spending more than 1-200 without consulting with the other (or whatever limit makes sense) are some standards. Seeing bank statements regularly (often they are online) and ideally having separate accounts to avoid someone splurging or making a mistake or a loan to someone without permission would all make sense as well.

Until people want to take the time to work through the basics of housekeeping, childcare (if they are in agreement about having children and ideally have spent six months for a few hours a week or more around kids and learning about infants, toddlers, young children and even youth to see if one's expectations and skills will be in the ball park of reasonable.)

Once people become intimate 'almost everything can change'. so for those believing on waiting until married, one would want to be especially clear and familiar with what they are expecting...and again, perhaps having a commitment ceremony, living together and even having some kids would make sense before 'sealing the deal with legal paperwork'..

.Discussing options of pre-nups and more makes sense yet may not carry much weight. And even without being married, if a spouse (generally a husband but sometimes a wife, or one or both parents) abusive toward the other,children or pets, then there is a guaranteed new set of challenges to 'find a safe resolution or way out...with one's kids and pets." There are protective orders for women and pets but not for children until they are age 16.

There is a lot for everyone to learn so the community can know 'what game is being played, what rules are used in each arena, what follow up there is for any parent or even former spouse..and heads up, there is None as a given in most states..a person has to pursue more legal actions to address matters if things are not going as stated in the court papers. Intimidation or difficulty can escalate in the weeks, months and even years post-separation (as they likely could had the two people continued to live in the same house or stay in an active relationship.

Co-parenting from different homes and often with new adults joining in (partners or other family and friends of each person) can become complicated and again require more thought from most of society for recommending guidelines.

Even among 'civilians' who have not have conflict or more than one home, agreements for monitoring minors and actually Following the Agreements, voluntary or legal, is very important and one that has not been discussed in a timely, meaningful way.

If an example is needed or could be used for everyone's edification, consider that even when some key parents agreed to not let youth go unsupervised to the river (for boating or swimming or even hanging out), one or more of another set of parents condoned that activity to allow for a group of teens, mainly boys but some girls as well, to go to a dangerous waterfall and 'jump into the flooding river if they found a safe spot.'

That was allowed by one or more parents who clearly did not understand the dangers of the river and wanted to let the youths do something 'special' to celebrate the last day of their first year of high school. It cost one youth his life, and a few others and a a rescuer were put in grave danger..

.They had left their small high school only hours earlier and some friends were worried about their plan but did not alert school leaders (a gym teacher or principal would be a good person to go to) or their own parents (Moms ideally who can take things more seriously it seems to me) or the police (some of whom they were related to and were on the recovery mission.)

The whole country could consider these kinds of situations and realize minors (and plenty of young adults) Need More Stringent Warnings about what is allowed, what isn't, what fines or other consequences there might be, the safer driving laws for new drivers and much more.

See more on livfully.org and may this be part of the conversation that catches on around dinner tables at homes or community events, in faith gatherings and even by safe riversides (always good to allow a hundred foot buffer since there can be undercurrents even in quiet looking waters, and often there can be slippery slope, a bit of playfulness that results in someone getting pushed or falling in..Thinking KAPP (Kids, Adults, Parents Partnership) can help people pay attention to their Job to stay safe and keep an eye out for others and to lend a hand while still on land when it safe to do so...)

HugEnergy, from a starry-eyed woman, mother and mother of a son whose sending love from above..that's how I think of Kaelan, our son who perished at that waterfall trying to rescue another who thankfully did get saved after he pulled two out of the water while still on land....)