Where to Begin (often hard to know til it's serious...) but Let's Try to Talk About It!

Hello All (to family and friends but now my wider circles)..Not the easiest topic or title but the overall idea is that one person is very connected to others..and the pain for others can be very difficult if one is despairing or taking extreme measures to end their internal suffering or cope with difficult emotions.

 

 The overall idea to take good care of oneself with a sense of support whether online or hotlines, information or talking with people in one's community, circle and family is one that is shared as well. Check out the new movie and trailer of Suicide -The Ripple Effect (on google.)

 

This fellow whose in his 30s has lived 15 years past his time of almost dying in a serious attempt (jumping from a high bridge). He may have had some ongoing mental health issues but now does advocacy for people to consider the impact their actions will have on others....likely at least 100 or more people. I felt a little tug in my heart when he mentioned it could hurt people you hadn't even 'met yet'. 

 

This kind of outreach is what I hoped to do after my friend John's passing back in college and really any suicide or accidental loss. Likely plenty of people are facing that 'gray area' of wondering if something were intentional or more of an accident, particularly when there is a drug reaction (mix of things gone wrong) or an overdose.

Overall a caring team should be part of everyone's support network to stay up and running. There are many kinds of small and more serious upsets from getting ill to injured, having conflicts and 'knock down drrag out arguments' even if not highly physical. Yelling counts as 'too much' likely to handle in a reasonable manner. Needing to emote to 'blow off steam' or try to comprehend what is bothering someone likely would be better served by learning to breathe calmly or take a walk (if it's safe to do so in terms of weather, road or pathway, time of day and ideally with another person as a guide and support.

 

I knew someone who fell and may have bumped their head (due to the fall or causing the fall.) He wandered for a few hours and found a policeman to tell he was confused. Still he may have gone into someone's house he knew but wasn't supposed to go into though the evidence was not perfect..apparently neither was his attorney.

 

That is another story, but overall the result was he got a more strict restraining order. When he 'accidentally' saw one of the minors in a camp a mile away, that was enough to get him arrested. This was all in CT about 10 years ago, but the point is some people have conflicts, the police are called or legal actions are taken. Suddenly all parties can find themselves in a much bigger drama than they imagined. Staying out of people's homes and circles if there are grounds for someone to need legal protection or clarification.

 

Likely that could be 'family, friends, neighbors, fellow students and plenty of other people' who one knows and has interacted with in a more functional way. The difficulty is determining 'how many warning signs' should the average person allow...and that's doubly hard for parents or adult siblings or former or current partners or spouses. Some people stick to a hard and fast rule about 'never stepping foot' in the other person's dwelling for practical as well as potentially preventive need for more interventions of a legal or serious kind. We do not have guidelines for What To Do IF the Police are Ever Called to Your Home or Show Up.

 

At one time (and maybe still?)the Yale Child Study Center has done an outreach in New Haven CT at one point to provide some support to any family with a child who had a police man (or two since generally they need to respond in pairs to a domestic incident or report.) I don't know if that is still done but something akin to a Before, During and After response could be put on a website with actors..and maybe have some 'real case re-enactments' to help people look at the many factors the police and other social service agencies are checking for as well as neighbors and friends. Is there ever a time that would make sense to alert police to a 'family dispute' even among adults?

 

What criteria would any family Want someone to assist them with? How frequent or serious are concerns? Are their guns in the home? Are their pets and or children or others in the home who need care, such as elders or guests? The whole idea of Preventing Conflict and Violence is one that seems Banned in the United States of America and Much of the Modern World in terms of protecting people's privacy. The Key to getting ahead of this puppy and respecting people's autonomy is to Offer Suggestions and Guidelines.

 

Do include The Laws and Their Consequences, many of which can be swift and dire and often misapplied, for instance roping in a victim instead of an abuser. See more on BMCC, Battered Mothers Custody Conference. That's a bit advanced but really anyone who is Thinking of having a child or getting married or living with the other parent etc Should watch the youtube and  review their resources a year or two Before Deciding to Proceed in these modern times (2018.) What used to work 'in the Wild West' simply does not cut it anymore. There are a host of 'trap doors' awaiting anyone thinking they can get a 'reasonable parenting plan and legal divorce.'

 

It's great if it happens to happen, if both parties have a clue or one is more flexible and allows somehow to work things out, but 25% are going to find a lot of miserable surprises especially if they have kids. Another 25% without kids are also going to see their funds Fly out the Window and their Stress Levels go off the charts. The others hopefully 'come out alive and mostly able to recover in a reasonable way in a year or so..'

 

This is not legal advice to pursue a certain path just a mention that There Are No Guarantees and Often No Clear Warning Signs... But there is a lot of material to help you prepare to 'have things go well' even if they need to change course. Again because we are human, there is no guarantee people will do what they say they will, what they agreed to do in writing and so forth. The whole realm of housing, co-housing and such likely needs a major clarification. If after a group learning session for our country people are still having issues, ideally more will be ready to look online for help. Counseling can be confusing and then some.

 

Each type can be so specific they ignore key components of a process. especially if someone has children or is divorcing. Too many gaps to cover for most systems and all the documenting involved. Knowing when one is 'in over their heads' as a person of a certain age, gender, skill set and then some without any feedback from the outside is a common malady. Say a frail elderly person insists on doing their own driving when they are not a safe driver..very common, whichever gender.

 

With caregiving, say grandma agrees to watch little children when it's too taxing, since she used to do that. Why wouldn't people want to consider the more common guidelines for fitness and work loads (whether paid or not, which can also be an interesting set of dynamics to work through and are often avoided for  various reasons.)

 

Many other matters can come up 'seemingly out of the blue' but learning to 'allow only so much in' with basic screening processes, such as having a locked door (a given in many communities), locking one's car but always double checking no one is asleep or something that shouldn't be deprived of oxygen is in the car even for a minute...so yes, take the sleeping baby or child or elder into a store with you or plan to have someone watch them safely.

 

Sometimes opening a window is not really enough (for pets, kids etc) so again learn more about what the basics are for safety and care and plan accordingly. If one is a talented multi-tasked, one may need to Try to Slow Down and Get More Help with some tasks. Spreading oneself too thin and feeling stressed, even working for hours at a desk can be hard on one's health and nerves. Telling oneself one Is doing a good job and 'enough' and taking mini breaks throughout the day, week, month and year can go a long way toward putting the breaks on runaway stress.

 

To do Any of This may be trickier than one thinks. So getting a buddy system, a mentor, a coach and so on may all be reasonable..another brilliant idea. Again there may be some free online services, but by the time one is deep into the land of problems it can be hard to know Where To Begin. Maybe that will be the title for Another post.. til then, check out the trailer or movie for www.suicidetherippleeffect.com which inspired this post thanks to an email from NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness. I will wrap this post up with a pitch for their helpful outreach for families who have a person with a mental illness. They also do education for other segments of society including educators and police responders.

 

The more every citizen could aim to be a deputy dog and team player to help people deal with life in reasonable ways Before things escalate over time the better. Not easy to do since the conflict can play out with stonewalling times of silence or distancing as well as more interactive conflicts. People could have personality or mental health issues, life stressors (don't everyone line up at once now..), economic concerns, social matters or causes near and dear to their heart.

 

Religion and faith efforts can be helpful but also confusing since they may gloss over the laws in any state or country even when there is supposed to be integration of efforts, mandated reporting and so on. That's not likely to be done 'until it's too late' to do any good.

 

The responding social services can also be fraught with troubles, so it's really a field ripe for the picking and really for Fixing with meaningful efforts among people reaching agreements and implementing them consistently. Read on other posts how some plans really can be changed 'one minute to the next' by parents or other adults thinking 'teens' should be given more freedom to do dangerous things or even to travel freely near very dangerous places during the change of seasons (warmer weather) or without clear responsible adult supervision. Basically too many teens push limits and take their friends along with them down dangerous roads or rivers.

 

And no one feels much can or should be said to Prevent that Kind of Predictable Trouble (including sadly too often injury or fatalities.) Why not find ways for adults to really be able to supervise minors with better efforts at accountability. Even in colleges more could be offered to pro-actively promote safety in numbers and not doing reckless things. Just a thought...and likely a wise way to see some more return on the investment of time, tuition and trust.