1st things 1st: PLANS for Abused Women, Advocates and Leaders: Battered Mothers Custody Conference in May in Secaucus NJ

Take a deep breath and only read this if you are over 18 or get your parent's permission, okay? This is a difficult subject, well worth doing a school report on, but can bring up fear and concerns for most of America. I know I was shocked to learn such harm happens 'in all types of homes' (thankfully not all, but likely a large percent if sexual abuse of women holding at about 25% of all women having an assault of some kind in their life holds true to domestic abuse).

Review the info on the BMCC, www.batteredmotherscustodyconference.org and consider attending this even in mid May of 2015 or in a future year. The location may move but 200 people attend from all over the US, including leaders from many fields. You can find key resources on links to their site and on www.barrygoldstein.net,  www.lundybancroft.com and www.theduluthmodel.org.

The big idea would be to not only Deny and think "NIMBY" --not in my back yard but to realize most men need to really carefully review the position of power they may hold in their social circles based on the laws of this country which entitled men to OWN  (not Oprah's channel or cup of tea) their wife and their children.

Strangely I am writing this on the 50th anniversary of the March in Selma where thousands gathered and heard from President Obama. The race is being run over the decades but it has yet to be won for one and all.

There is an underground war going on in the US of  A-Miracle called Custody Battles, Divorce, Hostile Relationships and Domestic Abuse and Violence primarily against moms  and kids as well as women (and others 'at risk' such as the elderly or kids from caregivers, and even pets). The difficulty arises because many don't feel it's in their job desciption to keep up with Best Practices for Safety and may not be directed by Laws and Policies to do all they can to prioritize the safety of women and children.

These 'would-be protectors and overseers' include 'professionals' in charge such as--Judges, Attorneys, Social Workers, Counselors,  Advocates, Coaches,Teachers, Librarians, Clergy, Doctors and Many Others Who Could be Useful in Educating (once they learn the basics from www.barrygoldstein.net and others). More schools take violence seriously after TANSH (Tragedy and Transition at Newtown Sandy Hook) and a  Car, Truck and  Motorcycle  "Spike's Ride" fundraiser for some in Sandy Hook will be held May 30th, 2015 at Limerock Park in CT.

While a disturbed young adult male had made the headlines for all the harm he did in one day, taking the lives of his own mother, twenty children and six adults and them himself, every year the main culprits of harm to children are their own fathers or the 'partners' of their mother (many of whom may want to leave but do not feel safe or have the means to do so). It's not the guns but the people who use them wantonly who do the killing. That said, CT and many realize stricter laws need to prevent such violence.

I wrote to the CT Committee about more parents supervising all youth similar to what is legally required of parents in a custody plan in every state. Voluntarily, schools and parents as well as others could plan to know where their youth are and what they are really doing...and I say this sadly with the experience of having our teen son Kaelan Palmer Paton drown after leaving his last day of his freshman year of high school with friends on bikes and going to a dangerous river where he tried to save another...more on that in other posts, and his friend was saved by a rescuer. Again, all trained responders would benefit from learning about all aspects of DV as well as preventing harm to youth and others prone to risk by supporting guidelines for parents and schools to follow voluntarily whether at school, in cars, monitoring activities and checking up on youth often, daily if not more.

There are layers of difficulty to decipher in this area around the country with the National Parents Organization promoting shared parenting 'unless there is abuse, likely severe abuse'. The problem is they are the same kind of group that would readily dismiss many kinds of abuse and violence. Too often people in charge of legal matters and many other professions beleive 'the abuse will stop when the legal marriage ends and the two parents live apart'.

Sadly, that can be a time of serious escalation and even fatality of both moms (about 1000 of the 2000 who are killed each year) and kids (about 200 whose lives are taken each year). While some argue that the threat of separation 'drives a man to desperately act out', there is not a clear way to know what makes a man (or yes, in extreme cases, a woman, especially if she has been abused and is perhaps trying to prevent a horrific scenario of having to allow her children to be molested by a father...

Unfortunately that is exactly what is happening far too many times in the most extreme cases. With TV shows depicting an array of tragedies which often reflect reality, every aspect of our culture needs to upgrade their awareness of this 'silent but deadly' set of dynamics which can damage people for years if not claim their lives.

The courts and many other professionals desperately need to be held accountable for their part in misguided justice or collective wrongdoing by blaming victims, abandoning them, insisting they can or should be able to finance their lives and legal costs.

The foster care and adoption systems are a 'booming business' according to some advocates which more people should closely monitor. If a child goes into some systems it may take a year or two to 'earn their child back'. Critical to prevent loss or reclaim a child is a team of support which could include help at schools, from churches and faith groups, civic, social and ideally from educated family members near and far.

There are many people who do not realize What they are Dealing with and put their faith in others who sadly allow that even when not skilled and secure with advocates for the mother and child. Even if a small percentage of mothers do not seem to present as stable and clearly able to parent on their own, when there is abuse, extra care and support could be given to safeguard everyone's basic well-being.

The father should be willing to have an intervention and attend programs such as NOVA for 1-2 years and truly show an interest and ability to map out new ways to function with fairness and accountability. Too many people reward an aggressor and often they can be charming and capable, so not obviously in need to their friends and even their family. Too often they are earning the money and win out on that level alone rather than being held to task for the harm and fear they instill and the damage they do to their children and the primary victim whether divorcing, fighting for custody or even staying married or together.

A helpful site for anyone is www.getyourshittogether.org to make sure clear legal, social and financial plans are in place. There is much work to do and a culture which is addressing these matters in a more public manner from time to time. but it really can take years to gain an understanding of what's at stake. Adults today make the options for the youth who will need help in the future. There's no time to waste when it comes to trying to have a clear plan for oneself and one's children and 'partner' if difficulties or danger should arise.

Too often one conflict sparks others and soon 'it can all become too much' to deal with. Even if someone is ill or has a terminal illness, the realities of making care plans on all levels for health or dying, costs of legal matters and of living for the years following someone's passing and having teams of support to sort through all the issues need to be in place.

This is a lot for one post, but if you are The Only One who needs help (or has a friend who does) don't delay in getting some time directed to these causes for an hour a week or more. The more people helping on one aspect or another (caring for home, car, kids, work, rest, food, school, health, legal, counseling and other needs) would ease the burden. The more a group can be organized and informed, the more clear a path for weighing options and making smart choices for a safety plan and exit strategy short-term or longer can be made. Some women are much older and do not have children but face an array of issues about becoming independent socially and financially.

There's never a 'too late' time however, and yet if one does not get help in time, the costs to one's well-being and even health or safety may escalate and result in harm, injury, prison or other maladies. Why take a chance? Why not get some help 'just in case' it's needed. Practicing packing up a bag to have in one's car or at a friend's makes sense. Include clothes, cash, information on banking and credit cards, ID and passwords to computer information. There are lists to consult, but the first few steps in this journey could include Barry's site and www.lundybancroft.com as well as www.duluthmodel.org.

If you can,  review healing sites too as mentioned on other posts such as www.giftsfromdevotion.com and on youtube (David Adelson), google NAMI and www.healthyplace.com and see other posts on this blog. Sometimes BMCC sessions are recorded and can be viewed online, or see www.civicresearchinstitute.org with info  such as www.domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com, Representing the DV survivor, and LIfe Long Effects of Abuse. It's really hard to know what to do based on the laws in your state (whether they factor in DV in custody which all Should do but don't).

 Changes take place slowly over time, but  make the most of all times to be with your children and their school and activities. Make good memories and hold onto brighter days ahead even if you have to dream them up. Try not to let physical separation from your children break your spirit..that is What the Abuser Wants, but that harms the kids and makes it more likely to 'attract more of that' possibly. A support team of people who really will call and be able to visit your children may be the best you can do. In these times few people ever expect a parent to actually see or spend time with their child.

The new definition out of necessity for many and maybe without able or willing to explore options is to Plan Their Children's Life from day to night, and week to week. If parents are apart from the start, that's one way to start out. If they grow apart and are amicable, that's more of the ideal. Many working parents find that to be 'the only way to make ends meet'. Some may move back in with family to help keep their boat afloat. Kids overall are almost expected to raise themselves in terms of keeping track of the people in their parents' lives.

Supervised playdates in safe homes and ya adrds with adults watching little ones and staying within reach for helping and ideally in fenced in areas if available. Not that it's a common problem, but double check that any guns at someone's house are in a locked cabinet (even if not loaded and go over basics of Never handling a gun or having anyone point a gun at a person even if not expected to fire). In general and even at parties with small children, adults should be sober and appropriate, awake and keep the focus on child-friendly activities maybe in a separate area. Take extra precaution about rides with anyong who has had 'even one drink'.

Don't drink and drive needs to be clear to all teens and parents. In CA (and other states?) parents who get a DUI are reported to Child Protective Services automatically. Consider starting at playgrounds or in social settings like libraries, school events, scouts, etc with one friend or more friends over time or regular outings to story hours, faith groups, play groups (those were for moms and kids and yes, some dads about 20 years ago in our rural area with about 50 belonging to some and a dozen to others). Driving safely is another topic to plan for with parents perhaps schoolwide.

Ideally no high school students would drive others, with many states tightening regulations but which parents could work toward anyway to prevent liability and distraction or higher risk which often happens. More ongoing supervised driving could help teens grow in confidence and most would do better to wait until 17 or 18 to get a driver's license. The expense for the car and insurance could be good motivators to pursue good grades and work to help offset costs. Pacing youth is a gift more could afford to give their offspring even by waiting to enroll young children in full-day kindergarten until at least 5 but even 6 or 7 years of age. That is yet another topic and one up to 'debate' yet, when one may be facing custody issues, that could give each parent (if safe and appropriate) or working parents more time with their children (depending on their work schedules and ability to take extra time off during the year). 

The more people could work out co-ops for sharing childcare, rides and more, the better, but it takes time and there's a great deal of liability. Soon it may be required that more people document the time they do have with their children not  only for custody disputes (current or future ones) but to validate they are a good parent should someone start an inquiry.

People can now be arrested for anything and even nothing (allegations or set-ups by an abusive partner using the system to intimidate a victim, following through or keeping a promise to report a mother if she does not comply with demands.) Like I said, there is a growing chasm between what one could safely expect would be a reasonable way to rear children and even get help or consider separating and what actually can happen from 'one day to the next, or later that day'.

More states are opting for getting divorces processed in a year and no clear guidelines inform people of their options for mediation (not generally recommended for abuse victims but with few choices doesn't hurt to know and see www.dutchessmediation.org and other sites online). Planning for regular time apart from one's partner or the parent of one's child can help one review their own 'inner compass' of how their feelings, values, and life is going.

Taking time to review www.rainn.org and contact help centers (often anonymous and most have to report child abuse so share as you really feel makes sense for your situation. Sometimes asking What If a friend had this happen could gain you some key information, but again, the internet may be a valuable resource and lead you to more options than a handful of local people who may not know or have the time to follow through with your needs. Limiting your concerns to what they address and not alerting you to the various pitfalls of systems is common. See www.nolo.com and www.womanslaw.org for more insight into legal options.

The people who Should and Could be there in a flash to help a woman get out and stay out (or really have a man out and stay out) so she could be safe in the 'residential or marital home' too often get played and have limited options but to also comply with the abusers plan (if not demands). The only way things will get better for the many millions of women who are abused every year is for Everyone to start learning about this right along with Erin's Law (which has now come to CT to help children know about safety and reporting sexual abuse.)

These are delicate matters and will make everyone Think Twice about a lot of things, but at least the people who really need help can hear that 'we're trying' and 'they are not to blame for someone being a bully or hurting them and their kids--and yes, it's often the case that the finances get drained and the abuser may be mentally unstable, have a drug issue or other set of problems, some regular stress, some criminal, etc.

All people deserve some help and guidance, but waiting until the problems become criminal or land in civil court may be waiting too long. The new stress and costs and even the loss of home, kids or other assets really sends problems over the top for many.

That is where more intervention early on for women and men could help them try to play it safe, be supervised voluntarily by capable people (okay, saintly volunteers and more websites like those mentioned). There are not easy answers because abusers can and do get away with major trouble and harm or plan on doing some time if need be while others are in denial and therefore unable and unwilling to have a clear assessment such as on www.shouldIstayorshouldIgo.net Bonus Materials.

All parents could double check their own tone of voice, what they say or threaten (even jokingly or when mad), how they model feelings, words and being responsible for one's words and actions (even apologies for yelling or acting up). The youth likely would give more parents some feedback but too many adults can feel kids are trying to have their own way or be the boss over them.

Many new parenting ideas in the past 30 years have painted good ideas for building up teamwork and systems to help everyone stay on track or get back on track (see site by Charlie Applestein, www.steiner.og and www.gaia.org). The plan-it earth/ heart needs all folks to think of more amicable ways to address concerns in our family and social circles so we can work together on facing changes due to climate or shifting and growing populations.

Eventually rather than needing ever tighter regulations on abusers, ideally more people can prevent the younger people from acting out and help all people having children or living together or being in a relationship to live more reasonably and safely with an eye toward fairness, budgets (and help from programs to ease financial basics and get needs met for living, medical, dental and even mental health). More community groups could offer weekly or monthly programs to help people feel welcomed and connected, particularly if they have young children.

hanks for sharing some of this with a friend as you can. It's a tough topic, but not dealing with it is far worse for some of our most vulnerable citizens and even the ones who are unbalanced. Doesn't hurt to dream and pray for a better way, not unlike AA offers in the face of addiction, yet even there all 12-steppers could do the world and themselves a favor by learning more from those key sites by Barry Goldstein and Lundy Bancroft..better safe than sorry, one day at a time...