Why So Many Smart People Lock Doors Instead of Helping People O-U-T of Bad Situations and Abuse, Even Moms with Kids....A Big Worry Few Wonder About as though No Clue That's Happening to 60K Moms Every Year!

Sadly I learned of one of the rare cases of a mother having the life of the father of their child ended on a Forensic Files show on TV. The 38-year-old was desribed at an excellent pediatrician and one of the possible motivations was for the mother to have sole custody as well as a $500 thousand life insurance policy (which she was using $200 thousand for to pay off two hit men.) Thankfully the forensic information linking the two hit men to the scene was available ( a sneaker print on tile, some blood and hair samples on a sweat shirt that was left in a hotel room along with the sneakers.

A phone call linked the  hit men to the hotel room and further calls from the woman to one hit man, because the doctor was working late and the deed was not being done 'on time' also sealed her guilt. She's serving time and the two hit men are on death row in Florida. That overall scene is not the norm. There was not much information about any alleged abuse prior to the separation and  that would not justify a mother ending the life of the father after she had gotten away safely had there been any abuse.

The overwhelming number of cases in every country play out the reverse however, with a father or husband ending the life of his wife and/ or often the mother of his children (or a woman who has children from a prior relationship, even if they have one or more children together as well.)One recent case also in Florida involves a woman doctor whose legal husband, another doctor I think, had his legal wife killed for a $4million dollar life insurance policy.

She had just had a visit to her family in CT but upon her return was killed at his request by one of his chums from childhood days and a fellow he hired for a mere 10 thousand dollars. I once heard of someone killing someone for a snow mobile that didn't even run, so clearly the value of a human life is being earmarked by too many narcissistic people as disposable and as a source of income.

Strangely any form of abuse can resemble other forms of abuse, whether against pets, the planet, or other  groups with power imbalances. See www.theduluthmodel.org and journey in learning as a form of protection, activism and wisdom for yourself, others and our society. One of the best gifts you can give yourself and hopefully help more people plan to not legally marry for 5-10 years so the divorce and custody courts would not clean up any assets one has managed to earn.

Too often the trouble can gain strength beyond what mere mortals should have to wrestle with especially under 30 years of age. Then when one does marry (yes even after having children), perhaps that too could be more ceremonial with a clear prenuptial agreement spelling out the reasonable terms with some temporary or longer term exit options to rethink things every five years in terms of logistics, finances, life plans without putting people to undue measures of 'having to live up to their vows' under threat of religion or social norms, safety or physical health limitations or other factors which may make it harder to keep going as a married couple under one roof than living amicably apart and considering options for the following 1-5 or 10 years.

What was deemed reasonable in the past may have become too burdensome for most people to simply 'jump on the band wagon' without some details on the 'for better or for worse' phrase. We are human and need to be a bit more rational and informed, accountable and honest with our feelings, dreams and abilities. More people have help with rearing children and even with living in group settings or working collaboratively so the definition of two parents and 1 to 2 children in a nuclear setting that is economically isolated from others is not the norm or ideal it once was. Less is more sustainable in terms of energy use and owning cars, big homes and luxury items. Scaling down on our expectations of others and even of ourselves may also  be more sustainable.

Educating everyone about what bullying is at home and at school and elsewhere could go a long way to helping people recognize when they cross the line or are rationalizing yelling, put-downs, and assaults of people and property whether related to them or not, in their home or elsewhere. Better self-control and support may encourage some people to find ways to ask for help and get care for their mental, physical and social health and even have needed interventions before their problems and behaviors harm themselves and others.

With global warming (see #EarthToParis  and www.gaia.org ), some of the insights and strategies from the realms of personal violence need to be implemented to address the bigger wrongs. We need to accept that those who hold power over others are not interested in doing anything that looks like something more just and fair, they won't admit wrongdoing readily and don't have anyone holding them accountable. The work by Lundy Bancroft is quoted not only in the realm of domestic abuse and the failed systems to reform batterers but by political activist groups fighting for environmental and humanitarian goals as well.

The realm of 'IPV' or Intimate Partner Violence is not only the stuff  of television crime shows and even true media accounts. This miserable set of abusive, confusing dynamics is part of about 25% of women's experiences in a significant way at some point in their life. Those numbers reflect the physical and sexual assaults. The less physical types (because last I checked everyone has a physical body so all forms of  abuse really are physical and include the fear a person can feel reasonably as well as the snowball effect of episodic situational or emotional assaults and neglect.

When a victim starts to realize she needs help to figure out What is Going On (and the terms of someone using power over another to control them can be helpful in deciphering the concept of domestic or interpersonal violence in one's social circle of family, at work, at school among peers, and other situations of interaction other than a complete stranger suddenly interfering with your life or hurting you. Domestic means "home-based" as compared to societal or out in public (such as a fight on the street or in a store between strangers or even people who one is not related to or living with, that would be covered under criminal law codes.)

Even though I've studied these topics for over a decade, I'm not an expert and am not advising people legally or otherwise in any of my posts, just sharing some information and insights about the systems and people who are supposed to be advocates due to their training and maybe as an extension of common sense and pursuing the common good.

None of that is a given however, and many 'professionals' and advocates as well as family and friends or others who may seem to be capable of knowing How to Listen and Assess the danger and difficulty someone is having and Help a Victim Understand her Options in Any Given Country or Area of a State (and yes, it can vary widely based on services or lack of services, her more personal support teams and much more.)

The more intelligent and persistent a victim is in asking for help and seeking input from many professionals, the  more others can work against her. Some may close her  out by limiting the information they will give or the questions she is allowed to ask. Most Domestic Violence Agencies (see www.211.org for some basic social service listings in the  US in every state) will have to clarify they are not able to give legal advice.

The flood waters may be rising, but their lips are sealed (by mandates from who and regarding what aspects of a person's life--oh the most crucial parts in terms of where one lives, how one is being treated, what one's children must suffer through, no clear path to freedom longterm, no guarantee of justice in the courts..well, at least she is not given false hope out loud. She's not told to look up information on the INTERNET..google ABUSE, but mainly www.BARRYGOLDSTEIN.NET. Maybe we can have him run for President to get every woman and 18-yea-old who wants to see change in their lifetime, get his policies implemented in a hurry.

There should be a major THINK TANK and Standing Committee on Abuse in Every Court, with others on DIVORCE and CUSTODY, Dating Violence and RELATIONSHIPS of various natures--family of origin, couples or housemates or roommates, and so on to the more intimate or involved relationships, and then the whole realm of parenting, caring for others and even interactions among neighbors and community members.

This  is the  fabric of our society which exists mainly in a vacuum.A few Hallmark shows and ads about doing laundry or going out to eat, then the media has crime show after crime show with the mysterious 'whodunnit'...okay, a guy hurting a gal, not to spoil the drama but nine times out of ten, that would about sum it up. In courts, there's a similar theme of 'who killed or hurt the girl", and again the answer not to spoil the shows, is the Guy, but he likely is getting away with it for lack of evidence or he's getting off easy. Most know there are repeat offenders.

There is also the big set of cases in life and the courts where a Guy hurts or kills another Guy, but generally that is regarding property (drugs, obtaining money if not stealing, and some involving women as in love triangles or boyfriends being killed by husbands or maybe the other way around.) Most people are not facing such dire situations from the outside or even as part of their family drama. What they ARE FACING ALONE is living without any assessments about the people in their lives (and even themselves) who may hurt them, yes, including themselves.

Women can tend to sabotage their own lives, or 'act in' by hurting themselves if they are live with an abusive person (or more than one.) Many religions encourage women to bear the brunt of much shaming and blaming along with their kids who they may coach to do so as part of a survival mechanism or try to rationalize an abuser's mood swings, narcissism, demands (not reasonable requests with a rational time frame, but "Now" or "When HE Says".

Non-compliance or reviewing the situation when it comes up or even at a later time can be deemed a form of defiance and cost the victims added penalties of his choosing. Again, if victims protest with disappointment or arguing, that too can escalate matters. If the Victim starts to explain to someone the many different forms of control she is having to face, many well-meaning respoonders want to simplify the situation with  some basic short phrases such as "That's too bad, maybe it will get better in time.." "Everyone has problems, it can be hard to get used to being a couple or family."

"I don't want to talk about someone other than you." "You should focus on your self and your kids and do what is good for you (and ignore him, hope it stops by itself, maybe ask an attorney for ideas or the domestic abuse agencies or go to a shelter..." That's as far as a person in the public realm can usually find time and compassion to share.

A slew of other responses could come up along the lines of 'don't talk about your dirty laundry in public. Don't pick on the breadwinner. It could be worse. I  lived through worse and no one helped me. why should you have help now when there are more opportunities for women (and kids)? Most guys are all talk and no action. He'd never hurt you or the kids. He's a nice guy, one of the hardest working or most helpful compared to others in his  age group or area. He's from a good family. He goes to church so how could he treat you poorly?"

If you haven't heard a woman ask for help or the kinds of answers she typically gets, you don't live in America. La-la land or maybe Disney but not the US of A. When a woman gets her hopes up and 'gets thee to the Domestic Violence Agency of the 2000s what will she find?

Some listening ears, yes, but wisdom? Not exactly. The main confusion stems from women being deemed 'the experts in their situation' with no clear understanding that not only the abuser waits for her at her door, should she figure as way to unlock doors that the complicit, inept responders putting band-aids on major problems helped secure from the outside.

A veritable WOLF AWAITS HER IN THE COURTS!! Is he hungry for her kids and maybe her too? Aren't most wolves in the fairy tales ready to pounce on the meek and humble (and tender young things and their protectors?) You can almost see these hairy, scary sharp-toothed creatures lickin' their chops? Consuming women and children for lunch,you say, well what kind of evil is lurking behind said doors of justice.

Oh, some professonals ordered up the abuse victiims with 'just ice'...they are on a diet and don't want to try righting wrongs centuries old. They are a bit on the blind and weary and eager to get their kick-backs sooner rather than later.

So again, if there's a woman that's easy to take down and grab her kids out from under her while she tries every door to first get out of her house and then to get some justice, freedom and heaven forbid, some support, then of course it makes sense to deny her time after time (and maybe say she's out of her mind for alleging there is not justice or due process in the systems she has been faced to deal with).

Far easier to reward custody if not support to the abusive father. He likely knows how to keep his children complicit with his demands. Sadly that can extend into the realm of their personal space and bedrooms which some judges simply can conveniently deny. They do so often at the falsifying of reports of evidence and statements from the mother and the children themselves.

Only 6% of the time do mothers lie about  sexual abuse of  their children to influence custody decisions. The other 94% of the time, it's tragic but true. Equally tragic however is that lack of a responsive system that can help set things right and protect the victims. Of the cases going to court for custody (not necessarily divorce since many parents do not live together or never married legally), about ten percent are highly contentious cases. Of those cases, about 85% of the time, the father gains primary or sole custody of the  minor child or children. The economics play a large role but even when both parties can afford to care for the children, the imbalance is there. Newer limits will be place on alimony, droppping it to 40% of what it was in the past. Women need to have more economic supports than ever before and likely working together with others to understand that reality road map would be a good starting point.