Unlocking Justice book by Karin Huffer, and Legal Abuse Course to be a Certified Advocate online

In the course of learning about the miserable uphill battles many protective parents, generally mothers, may face in gaining custody of their minor children face, I attended the Battered Mothers Custody Conference a few times in the past decade. I met Karin Huffer there as she was a presenter who travelled from out West to NY.

She was developing a course to train people to be advocates for people facing the courts yet being compromised by 'legal abuse syndrome' whether they had identified disabilities or developed PTSD behaviors due to the stress of the court process. She developed a course which is now online. Sadly she has passed away since but her legacy lives on.

There are a myriad of problems that need 'fixing' and patterns for the general public and women particularly to learn about so they are not so caught off guard by this 'oil slick which can wreak havoc on anyone's sense of fair play, emotional ties to their children and even their former 'partner' (spouse, father of their children, if it was ever 'good'.)  Coercive Control (such as described in a book by expert Evan Stark) is now against the law in England.

To encourage people a bit more with resources I have learned of, see Judy Satori's work and her Ascended Library which offers a free five-day trial. The courts may not be fixable fast enough, so trying many methods to manage stress and find support and ideally guidance to not repeat patterns of being with unsafe people is important for everyone to brave.

The 'good times outweighing the bad' is not the best measure of 'working things out.' Some of the Bad is just too bad too ignore. The set point of the danger or fear early on in a relationship is something that can echo throughout one's relationship. A victim may still feel resentful if not reactive decades later, and not even really comprehend 'why'.

Those are some insights Evan Stark offers. Let's try to help the generations heal beginning with ourselves and find support to 'sort things out' and see patterns and meaning. Usually many violent offenders (of crimes not necessarily abuse but let's hope) calm down over the years, according to a comment from CT Representative Maria Horn. I suggest everyone 'trying to take a personal vacation monthly for a day or ideally a weekend (and have the kids stay with safe female friends etc.) If the thought of leaving for that long isn't an option that may be a problem. Then if you can go for a week away each year, the time to decompress can be very valuable.

If you have to leave or are forced out (and even away from your children) you deserve a team of support. How could you consider 'preparing yourself' much like you would a fire drill or needing to relocate your family for some reason for a week or two. Can you have some 'safety planning in place, extra clothes and toiletries, diapers for little ones and formula etc, important paperwork copies of birth certificates, social security numbers, licenses and so on with a friend or in a safe place you can grab and go with (maybe even in the trunk of one's car if things seem dicey or extra clothes etc for a few nights away?)

The Idea to get out early and often is something that can help a person remember she (or he) is an independent person and has a choice in how to respond and assess situations. But of course there can be an 'all or nothing' mindset in a controlling person who would categorically forbid a person (a woman or mother for instance) from leaving for even a day.

That kind of 'control and intimidation needs intervention as well. Ideally more people would think these matters through with some support from local and national agencies and support centers such as Duluth Model in MN (and online. )

Their power and control wheels can be helpful There is also www.StopAbuseCampaign.org. I'm sure I'll have plenty more to share after the next conference about resources but likely also about how many more children and their protective parents (typcially 60K protective mothers each year for decades live through hell trying to stay safe and sane.)

Good luck to anyone finding themselves anywhere near these situations. Get a few opininos and see online resources. IF people are amicable and not having a major conflict about custody, often there can be ways to have a reasonable divorce and custody agreement.

There is a lot to learn in advance with more online and library resources (books such as from nolo.com) More young people should have a basic understanding of rights and responsibilities in any relationship as laws are being passed to hold more people accountable on a first offense or to provide protection for victims in theory.

Many communities should identify the roles of all people a person or persons might interact with due to dating, parenting, living together, getting married, having problems of many kinds (poverty, houselessness or more commonly called homelessness, drug and alcohol problems, parenting consistenly, being at risk for harm or neglect and so on. ) State laws can vary so that is something to stay current on about 'all of the above.'

That goes for elderly people who may be prone to have more trouble driving due to decreases in hearing, seeing, assessing distances or driving in general. Taking precautions such as having a few people assess one's driving (at any age but particularly if under stress or even having changes or life events such as marriage, divorce or new jobs or moving etc, getting older or having any medical concerns or injuries or mental health challenges.) Doing so regularly and taking AARP type driving reviews may help one decide to have help with driving sometime or more often, with candid assessments from friends and one's doctor if there is any question.

Unfortunately some doctors may find others to approve their own skill or that of their friend, so ideally there could be a neutral third party advocating for such accountability. I will put this post in park for now, and head to bed for a fairly good night's sleep by 11pm. Ideally that would be 9:30 to 10 as Dr. Sha recommends to get the 'good sleep from 11p to 1am when one's spirit really likes to be off duty...more on that in another post.