A Mix of Events for US-All to Ponder...Sadder than a Bad Dad/ Mom or Other 'Caregiver'..is no one trying to Coach Him in Advance

I do not scour news headlines for 'the worst of the worst' stories, but they pop up on yahoo news and while I want to 'not have to know anymore', sometimes I venture to find out what led to the gory details..the who, what, where, how and why not only of the crime but of what factored into the misery. Once the time frame and people involved as well as the setting is understood, valuable ideas can be culled and shared online through a national and global site of how to PREVENT a future episode similar to what unfolded in the land of the free and too often uneducated and unsupervised by any meaningful voluntary or recommended person or agency.

The two headlines which got my attention involved parents hurting their respective children, or trying to. I did not read the one about a mom trying to harm her newborn (that was in China, but if it happens anywhere, everyone should take note and again, find ways to Prevent any similar kind of psychotic or physical illenss from factoring into a mother harming her infant (born or unborn, with the options for abortion in their own category to consider in another piece...a tough topic but again, one which everyone could be thinking about with reverence for the time, place and people involved.

We do not have a 'one size fits all situations' in our country or elsewhere in the world and while we are in a more modern age where most 'unwanted or unplanned pregnancies' can be prevented with various forms of birth control from the pill to diaphragms, condoms and spermicidal creams as well as withdrawal or for those medically and ethically able to use the Plan B pill to prevent pregnancy within hours or days of intercourse--some say the earlier the more effective, some say within a 3 or maybe 6 day time frame, so again doublecheck in advance if involved in  anyway that could lead to pregnancy even besides intercourse. Of course there is abstaining from sex to prevent not only pregnancy but being in a difficult or uncertain relationship of any length..and not sleeping in the same house or even spending time alone may be a reasonable way to follow through with that plan, even if married or having children together.

Yet critical is not to leave home without one's children, particularly as a mother or abuse victim or either gender. to avoid being charged with abandonment by the other parent or the state in any abuse, custody or divorce action. Wrtten agreements could be part of any relationship with notarized signatures and good discussion with Domestic Violence counselors and even attorneys. This could be on a national website of good care and planning and address any people living together as family, friends, or intimate partners.

Ages and laws could be noted as well as care plans, support and teams with consequences for all members rather than discipline/ punishment terms used...all of which should be as many experts promote such as Barb Coloroso: Reasonable, Respectful and Related to the action or words in question as well as age and law appropiate with nonphysical tactics--not spanking or harming anyone in any way physically or in demeaning ways. Mostly speak to anyon eas you would a friend and don't dish out or drink what you would not want to have to do then --or in a future life, since maybe karma plays out that way, but also it can be the case that one suffers unjustly and when others learn the message should be heard and pondered deeply as I'm trying to do here.)

The other case involved a father and stepmother "punishing" (really a form of torture that they could not understand as such likely due to a lack of interventive parenting education) a young girl only five years old by forcing her to drink soda and water as a "punishment" for her taking their sodas out of the fridge and drinking them earlier (maybe the day before, I should check that to see if it were a delayed punishment they actually thought up overnight rather than a reaction to feeling violated, which again would be very inappropriate for anyone but particularly given the girl's age and likely a punishment for some kind of sugar addiction they likely both had as well.

Their main problem was likely they did not have much training about 'appropriate ways to address their children--or even adults-- if a situation did not go as they planned or if something bothered them or was taken from them. Many parents and other caregivers feel entitled to act like kings in their houses they bought or pay rent for or otherwise live in.

The children or people other than the owners or renters can view themselves as better human beings, entitled to more rights and privileges. These attitudes need correcting on many levels for many adults and leaders of a community, particularly police as we've seen in the Eric Garner case and  in  Albuquerque episodes where clearly unarmed people have been assaulted and even killed for not complying with officers. Some say that other videos of the Eric Garner case gave the grand jury grounds not to indict yet on TV when asked if a chokehold caused Garner's death the answers were not clear. One man said the medical report said that  was listed as a factor or cause of death, and another said it was not. If more individuals step up to video events, that clearly could be helpful on many cases. Writing down of any episode one sees or goes through, and helping youth document concerns would also make sense. Ideally more could be done with all children having teams of support to tell people if something is bothering and what they have gone through and parents and others could be open to coaching or voluntary help in an ongoing manner.

The Michael Brown case does not seem as clear to me as a use of unnecessary force beyond what the officer was trained to do thus far, yet the course of changing tactics is being forged by many states in ways I offer in my post about that case although they likely would not have officers backing off as early as I and most of America likey would want to have happen were any such situations to happen from now on. In a strange way, all of the country and the wider world and internet has now been educated about the many kinds of calamities that can befall people just for leaving their home..and even being in their stairwell or likely even in their home when police come investigating or knocking on their door.

Likely, people should not be too eager to be involved with the police coming to help them with the discrepancies in how their responses may be carried out. People (mostly men) coming to your home or your situation even out int he world with guns may be an important way to think of police. Are there other safer people or places you can contact before 'calling in the big guns, even if they Should be able to find safer ways to keep the peace? A recent finding from the Chicago area indicated that people who know and relate to others who are in 'viollent circles' are the ones more likely to be harmed or killed by violence, typcially gunfire than living in proximity to the violence. It's hard to believe that there isn't an increased risk in certain neighborhoods but likely the people in similar violent social circles are at greater risk and may live in similar areas as well.

Those aspects of violence in our lives are becoming so commonplace we not only can comprehend that they happen, we almost have come to expect 'more of the same'. The pattern of hearing about something can lessen the impact and frustrate efforts when little change happens right away. Accepting that the long journey of healing for the people and areas involved is something to work forward can help people shift out of feelings of despair. Ongoing activism  is sparked by protests and sadly even the violence to emphasize the feelings of groups feeling neglected and violated, silenced and even shamed for trying to raise the issues in a meaningful way. Who can take more time off from work, or find ways to make meaningful contributions to the necessary leaders and commonity efforts to stem the tide of unchecked policies or errors at many turns of the societal and justice systems?

There don't seem to be many paid posicitions as activists, and many could be denigrated for receiving some compensation for their efforts. Groundswells of marches and online protests get things going, but where do people go from there? Who can afford to have more trauma happen before a new activism sheds light on the trouble? Why do people feel so entitled to let parents do 'whatever they want with their kids and those in their care whether longterm or in their home on visits in terms of 'discipline, drinking and drugging, or other kinds of questionable behavior'?

While many lenient parents say they'd rather have kids do whatever they are going to do out in the world in their home, there are plenty who are ready to 'kill their own kids emotionally if not knock them around or punish them in horrific if not deadly ways (drinking too much fluid led to the young girl's brain swelling and causing her death with the father and stepmother getting sentenced to many years in prison, likely only serving part of that). Another case where a mother was put in prison for 'failing to protect' her toddler son showed upon review that the mother had been beaten by the father and had an infant in her arms and was trying to stop the beating of her son by talking the man out of doing what he was doing. Thankfully a judge realized she should not have been charged to the degree she was and arranged for her release on a much lesser charge and crediting her for time served.

Many other women are not so fortunate...either to live or to keep their kids in their custody (often allowing abusive, controlling fathers to limit or cut off ties and actual visitation or parenting time with the mother regardless of what court papers read). If some ever get around to wondering, HOW COULD THIS BE?  they would have to begin to realize there are many forms of control and intimidation as well as lack of resources to help the natural mother have decent housing and support to transition (ideally for months but even for a few years as needed to recover and get job skills and support to function independently.)

The same holds TRUE for OLDER WOMEN even after their children are grown. They need HELP!! They are weak emotionally and psychologically and if not broke, may feel they could not live on a meager amount or face legal bills and battles to obtain their freedom or face their abuser and live without shame and stigma from family, friends and others--names and unnamed. They are not imagining something that is not Commonplace..the Victim Blaming and Victim Shaming can feel like vinegar in a cut. Not good. rather pathetic and even infuriatng...even Years After a situation has played out..right or Wrong. This stuff is a sticky mess of mumbo jumbo miseries and words, legal jargon and pure h, e, double L for any Normal Person with A somewhat Sane Exisitence to Bother to Try to Comprehend in anything but a movie for entertainment purposes. On the screen, realty around a person does not need to be seen. The kind of numbing effect of the real world headlines and the mantra of 'too little too late' and 'so sad, too bad' keeps everyone on a treadmill like a hamsters in a cage and getting, you guessed it, NOWHERE FAST!

The best venues for Breaking the Silence and Denial (call it a double edge sword that blocks the use of words and feelings or dealing with the matter at all) would be 1--meditaion, a sense of detachment as though one were watching a movie and that maybe we are part of some kind of play which we could begin to learn our lines and parts in and then factor in some new scenes, even with new characters or tactics, lighting and choreography (like learning to get away from bad people and get by nice folks who have one's back and some support on all levels without needing payment of any kind--no cash, exchanges of services or connections socially, physically or otherwise).

A  SWAT team approach may be needed to help women (and their kids) get out and stay out..or even Kids do that alone if they have 'nobody home' to watch them or protect them. It's ideal to have teams of people know what the heck one is talking about or help one understand the nature of abuse as similar to quicksand which only gets worse over time without any interventions...and even can go downhill if an abuser gets help and realizes he May have a Problem or Challenge controlling his anger, demands, tone of voice, body language, intimidating violence or other signs of overpowering tactics (threatening to separate a protective caregiver or mother from her kids temporarily or legally, longterm or on long trips, etc without any discussion or even with court approval (which too often rewards such tactics and is well funded by fathers rights groups to do so leaving 60 thousand moms without much if any connection to  their kids each year.)

Thanks for holding on through this difficult post that busts some of the silence and denial..better than being put on trial after anyone breaks the law 'unknowingly' or in the midst of seeking help gets caught in the cross fire or their kids taken from them..or anyone done in. Sadly those are the kinds of things that fill the headlines, especially the cases landinig someone in jail or the grave..but almost never when kids are kidnapped by the courts condoing abuse..How do you like them apples? And what can we do to remember our little angel in heaven who again was not allowed any voice or choice in her horrific punishment of swallowing her fate and losing her life, in part that we might find a way to make better choices and ways to use our voices. May all victims find peace and safety 'before it's too  late, whether it's  few days, months, years or decades of suffering...IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO ASK FOR HELP AND GET O-U-T before getting hurt or harming someone else or youself....You and Yours are Worth It and new good people will support you as you start your journey!!