Creating Forbidden Ground at Home, in Public, In the Courts, On the Phone and E-Mails..coming to a person near you soon so read up before you're caught off guard of the new Policies breeding night and day

Most people know how to behave in public and maybe even in private. You don't yell, "Fire" in a movie theatre or public place if there is No Fire. You don't pretend to have a gun in school or say you do even is someone dared you to or it's Prank Day. That will get you arrested nowadays. Things that used to be done for fun or to help people such as asking who people are and where they are from in a group setting among new people may be taboo.

You have to check with the folks in charge of say a church, library, school group or other kind of club or organizer. There are new rules  written on the legal books everyday across the country. They are not conveyed readily to people they affect, so I will try to cover some basics here, and feel free to add some comments. Mainly,  this can sound like Big Brother is Watching You (and me) and yes, that's been the case for a long time.

We are losing our 'freedoms' at a high rate of speed, not unlike Climate Change may be stealing  our breathable air and we aren't being informed well about that either. This post is not to be considered Legal Advice or Official Information, but rather only my interpretation of various terms and orders imposed on people by courts in legal dealings whether breaking the law or in a divorce, custody or other legal matter. (Look up NPO-National Parents Organiation--which is promoting Shared Parenting for ALL States as a fall-back measure and only put precautions in place in serious abuse cases..that is TOO DICEY acccording to www.barrygoldstein.net These are Critical Issues for EVERY Woman to learn about thoroughly BEFORE Getting serious in a dating or mating or parenting relationship. Religions should be RESOLUTE and Mandated to inform people of these issues. IF they aren't motivated and ready to do so and DOING IT, sadly they are a Big Part of the Problem and likley in DENIAL if not BENEFITTING Consciously and Economically by the Gray Area they insist on operating . )

Listen to leading domestic abuse advocates. This tactic was confusing to me when I learned about it because it seemed America was all about free speech..not so in a court of law. That's hard for a kind person to understand when they are not trying to say anything mean but it's part of 'keeping  the two or more people in a conflict' from getting more entangled. The Two Words everyone needs to know about in terms of their existence and meaning are "NO CONTACT". This can seem like a slap  on the face, a door locked on both sides, or a quiet room of peace and safety.

It may sound like a life sentece, and it can be one, though generally it can be declared for a set period of  time from a few days to weeks to typcally in Connecticut for 6 Months if part of a Protective Order. These can crop up with Temporary Court Orders in a Custody or Divorce Hearing (many parents are not married or even living together. But study up on law regarding the 'residential home' and primary residence which can mean one person stays in the home and other has to move out or only be there as agreed upon or ordered for a short time or maybe longer, regardless of what Automatic Orders say in any state (such as CT). All students learning about how babies are made or about sexual safety and relationship safety NEED to know what Laws may pertain to that part of their life!! Parents and other adults need to tune into that realm too even if they were clueless and no one helped them know what was what (whether about sex or parenting or laws, etc)

There is also "PARTIAL CONTACT" which means no abusive language, intimidation or  violence.People can live together and yet if there is a reported violation, then more serious measures can be put in place by a judge. Child Protective Services (CPS) or Department of Children and Families (DCF) can impose an immediate short-term set of terms for one or both parents to have no contact or only supervised contact with their child(ren) even after a report of an incident or after a brief investigation. Most parents are not aware of the 'legal boundaries' they are rearing their children in. Schools, other adults and family members can call in reports of neglect and/or abuse. While  this may not often be done in one's area, it may be a school official's responsibility depending on any factors that show up when a child or other person indicates through their  words or behaviors there may be a problem at home. 

Even in one's home, 'yelling' or using a loud voice can  be deemed 'Disorderly Conduct'. If children are in the home and/or witness the yelling, that can be grounds for an arrest. Often both  parties can be arrested, although that is supposed to be reviewed and on the decline in some states such as CT where David Mandel and his programs have shown many other states that often women are put under undue pressure to prove they are not to blame if being abused which often is the case if there is 'fighting between the parents or adults in the home.' When a woman calls for help, she is not told she may be arrested if she also yelled or did anything intimidating (such as saying You Better be Scared because...(I'm going to tell people and get help..that first part can be counted against her and was in one case which resulted in her arrest and removal from her home for six months, with no or highly limited contact with her children who she'd been with successfully and never underr the influence of legal or illegal drugs for 15 years, their whole lives).

No one in her close-knit community intervened to understand that situation which transpired in 2005.One minister did accompany her  to court and  counseled her to simply go along with everything that was asked of her and not ask to see a judge privately. When asking to see a domestic abuse advocate in court, she was told that was not permissible since she was deemed the aggressor. She had been going to domestic abuse agencies for over five years at that time and the director of the agency simply submitted a note saying she did not think the  parents could work together to parent in the same home. She said the victim felt abused and reported such over the years but did not want to end the marital or co-housing relationship.

Most people did not know what they could do and likely still don't know today. The truth is there are no guarantees and terms vary state to state which would make another important posting. Restraining orders in CT are put in place if a victim fears for  their life, whereas in MA it is granted often if a victim feels threatened as a normal person would if an abuser has been violent. Protective orders can be full or partial, meaning no contact or partial contact in CT.

Check into these terms and similar ones in your state. See more about legal informaion Legal Zoon or Nolo.com for Divorce Without Court  or Parenting Plans. All parents and famillies could have Voluntary Care Plans for All Family Members but Particularly Youth, those with Speical needs whether elderly or with mental health or substand abuse isses or other concerns (stress, changes, loss.)

Trying to learn mediation for  1-2K dollars and 30 hours of study over a weekend is a feat few endeavor. What the heck is mediation anyway?

Apparently it can help people  sort through all manner of conflicts..but NOT ABUSE  or Necessary Divorce if there are domestic abuse concerns.

The exception may be at Dutchess Mediation in Poughkeepsie NY. Most legal matters can be addressed through a 'voluntary though encouraged by the courts' mediation process which is called Transformative Mediation. Volunteer Mediators for an array of issues, legal, personal, business or otherwise can help people for fairly low rates sift through their  issues in timely sessions Facilitative Mediation is a more directed approach where certain topics and processes will be implemented to hammer out some agreements for a MOU--Memorandum of Understanding. I once heard a respectable judge say she only looked at the mediator in charge when deciding on whether to approve a MOU. That was again years ago, and it worth being aware of the 'behind the scenes' power plays and relationships that often are part of court proceedings.

Back to what Can and Can't be Shared Between Two  or More Parties in Court. In a divorce or custody dispute or situation, the two parties can be limited in the  topics they can discuss on the  phone or in emails. Some programs can be used to track conversations and schedules of caring for children such as www.familywizard.com

While money is often a source of conflict between parties, having separate bank accounts may help each person be held more accountable for their spending. Same with credit cards. All financial disclosings (bank statements and  credit care purchases) may be necessary to submit to court (often three years of bank statements and Original or clear accounting of actual purchases of  credit cards to be able to get reimbursed for  them even in a marital joint ownership/ community property state such as CT.) People need to have plans in place for not only their own health representative and a will to designate guardians for minors. If a single  parent dies, the other parent can be named in charge of the minor child's assets and inheritance until they are adults if no other  designation is legally made. Beneficiaries may need to be updated on life insurance some of which may be required to maintain with minors as beneficiaries.

When speaking about any subjects that may be of concern or even talking to a new person or someone you know, it can helpful to check in on whether they Want to Talk with You At All, IF they have the time and  interest at that time, If there are legal constraints you need to be aware of (being friends with those they are in conflict with, not breaking confidances if you hold them, sharing the time in a few minute increments unless you've shared you would like to have More Time or a way to convey ideas such as in writing and  see if they would review them when they have time.) Often a few support people would be helpful to each party to keep track of concerns, simple agreements, check-in practices for handling situations or people whether adults or youth, family or co-workers or legal personnel.

Lawyers fees often run in the 100-400/hour range, so having a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem) who can work at state rates if people are low-income of 20-60/hr) would be practical. Review all your options with friends and others helping you understand the legal system. You may face numerous judges who do not follow your concerns. You may need help from the criminal court for protective or restraining orders even if you are in a custody or divorce action. Review the terms of 'whether you engage in relations with your spouse once one of you has filed for divorce." Does that nullify the action?

If so, were you informed by a website or your attorney about these kinds of terms before or after filing for a divorce? Costs can run from the hundreds to the tens of thousands, and legal fees cannot be dismissed via bankruptcy (nor can student loans, while medical bills can be generally.) See www.StopAbuseCampaign.org and www.barrygoldstein.net  Not all the ideas can pertain to you today, but the overall national trend from the President and Dr. Phil and many advocates has been to recognize that not only have we failed to identify abuse we blame victims and do so at great peril to them in courts. Women are often put through the ringer trying to get help locally or legally, and the costs rise exponentailly.

Be aware that NPO (National Parents Organization) is seeking  to have  shared parenting as a default position in every state. That  sounds nice but the reality from www.barrygoldstein.net and other advocates (which should include ALL WOMEN and YOUNG people) is that the abuse standards which would remedy that measure to protect children and their moms varies widely and is almost impossible  to get judges and attorneys to learn and use as needed.

That leaves most victims of abuse as sitting ducks. It depends on which state and judge you get. What's really challenging it to realize when people are young and inexperienced, they are facing huge lifelong terms for losing contact with their children and even their 'partner/ parent of their child' due to things they may not really comprehend. Their emotions, beliefs about sex roles in terms of cultural expectations (and sexual expectations) and who they become as parents (women in pregnancy and as new mothers or having subsequent children, new concerns or feelings can emerge.

Men becoming fathers of embryos (in or out of the womb, even those stored for years merit attention and decisions even such as if the couple divorces who  can use them etc. Also as a birthing time and new demands are places on a family to make decisions about allowing others to care for  their child, how to manage and afford such care at home or in other places, how to keep up with expenses or work demands and keep abreast of the relationship as partners as well as parents can take most by surprise.

Some things you learn from by experiencing and there aren't enough books and guides to help one figure everything out as quickly as needed sometimes. But That's Life. The learning curve is being sped up however by a larger circle of systems as 'mandated reporters of neglect and abuse' or any crime or violence discovered such that one cannot afford to make many mistakes.

Again, things like emotions, stresses, managing time and having support when needed are often not even mentioned in one's birth or childcare plans. A few layers of Back up, some planned hours or days off, some support people helping along the way (yes in a hospital and afterwards for a couple of weeks would be a good basic especially if there are complications. Lining up help could be a great job to delegate since asking for help or affording to pay for it/ barter/ fundraise for can take some planning, but most would be doable if we got in teams and decided to do so.) Well, more on these ideas to follow in another post.

Legal Aid and other online free services provide a patchwork quilt of offerning but someone, the woman or victim, has to piec them together. This can take hundreds of hours of learning and advocacy even for someone with a college degree who has actually already reared her children to school-age for over a decade or almost two. No professional woman is immune from the dealings of biased against women courts.

Often the stakes rise when there actually is money or assets to divide or ways to pay high legal fees. No one warns people about these perils for a woman and her family of origin or her children to have  to comprehend to some degree and cope with for years on end. There are no standing committees in CT or most states to stay abreast of the reality that not only victims of abuse face but even 'normal decent couples' who are fairly amicable about the process.

Theres is no telling what can set the conflict into  the realm of beyond reasonable. After a divorce is legally over, there is another critical void no one is seeking to fill..that  of ongoing implementation of the terms of a divorce and custody plan. These words nullify most common sense even when there is a clear indication for shared parenting. If a tragedy strikes,such as the loss of a child in a dangerous situation, no automatic review is sought by any party in the System of Social Services or Divorce or Custody.

Even if it is brought to court, once again a victim of abuse can be ignored or deemed culpable in some way even if advocating for greater supervision  and time with the other children. No one at the state legislature or beyond seems to want to remedy these kinds of injustices toward the most innocent parties of a custody battle or even more public shortcoming that leaves youth and teens unsupervised and their parents unaccountable even in the face of a fatality. The Chief Judge of CT has the role to review concerns of shortcomings and personnel who may not be following best practices which result in harm or death to children, even if indirectly. CT recently had a legilative review on some divorce and abuse responses. The implementation of new best practices may take years.

There are not people helping judges understand the  new paradigms. I think it would be idea to have computer programs that would guide everyone through the best practices to respond to each allegation of abuse as well as each proven transgression. A key part that also could be online would be Parenting and Caregiving Practices which would clearly spell out some basics for caring for  infants and young children (not unlike daycares follow) and allow for cultural practices to be reviewed and better aligned with fair treatment for children and help explain to various groups the rights and reasonable guidelines for supervising youth through at least age 18 but realize they likely need more support through age 21 or 25. Ongoing connection could be deemed a healthy guideline for people of all ages with appropriate practical and social supports.

The field of law and assisting domestic abuse victims (generally women and children) is dicey at best. Best practices for the safety of victims (again, overwhelmingly women and children) are rather severe yet deemed necessary to PROTECT them women and children who are at highest risk for being hurt or killed. Suddenly the court and child protective arenas are being understood as dangerous stomping ground for victims to be involved in so NEW STRICT measures are being advocated for those Trying to Get HELP and Get OUT and Stay OUT. Those are the New Necessary Terms the Best Advocates for Safety are Promoting. That means NO Turning Back for Women trying to leave.

The truth is that advocates such as Barry Goldstein and Lundy Bancroft as promoting NO CONTACT for a Bad Dad (or in rare cases Bad Mom should that truly be the case but the economic, physical and  social standing of Men having ownership over women typically results in  woman feeling disempowered and landing in the victim role and most of their community labelling her  as an enabler or willing victim so deserving of the INJUSTICE she receives from EVERY SYSTEM in society from faith groups, churches, schools, medical and court and child protective services currently in the most abusive cases where a man is unwilliing (and possibly unable due to drur or narcissistic personatliy disorder etc) to compromise and be reasonable about sharing custody if it is safe to do so. Regardless of the words an abusers says,  the actions he takes in private and in the legal realm dictate his true motives. Avoiding  child support can be a huge motivator even when money is not an issue.

It is an ongoing way to have  power and contol over others through deprivation and continued involvement in an unhealthy manner. Still there may be cases of real hurt or low income which makes if challenging for a father or mother to contribute financially to the care of their children when new costs are incurred (or one or both are in prison or strapped with other obligations, stresses even linked to separation or other  loss such as the death  of someone close to them or even their  own child or illness limiting their ability to contribute.) The community resources and ongoing support for people in any relationships at all (housemates, co-workers, students, family and extended family and of course couples of various ages and at various stages of life are sorely lacking in our culture. Getting counseling is often  limited in scope and can only speak to the people voluntarily attending. When living with someone who is a 'dead weight' in terms of unwilling or unable to learn or grow with some effort about being capable and functioning, the other  parties have an uphill battle.

Eating, sleeping, getting out and taking care of some ADLs(activities of daily living) are all important priorities to then be able to 'get something done' whether make dental and medical appointments, secure some activities for socialization, work, contributing to the community through  a political, faith  or other civic group or going to school, work or caring for one's circle of friends, area and environment around one's home or area. When one is limited in the legal ability to speak to one's children or have to have supervised visitation, particularly if one has not harmed or violated them, one can feel unjustly accused and direct great efforts toward 'getting back to normal or basic functioning'. For men who find themselves in this position if they have intimidated others in their family, they often need some help and guidance but won't or  can't take in the new information and use support systems.

The batterer intervention programs sadly are not working and are mainly attended only by men who have been ordered by the courts to go. Then they learn from each other how to further intimidate and harm others just from hearing stories from others. These programs are well -funded as are initiatives to get more fathers involved with their children even from prison.

The array of 'court-ordered' visitation to abusive men or 'supervised visitation' with abusive fathers is counterproductive and not recommended by the experts. The reality for most children today is that infants are reared in daycare centers, apart from both  biological parents and most extended family. This is now 2015 and more women who become mothers are planning to be work if necessary or desired. There is more help  with programs like SNAP and Obamacare for  the  low income (earning about 1000/month or less but check and  be clear what is available in a timely manner since there may be sign-up periods or important renewal dates to put on a calendar in one's room in a prominent place or have a friend (or faith or agency remind you about if organization is a challenge which is for many).