Helping One Another When the Chips Are Down, The Cow Hurts the Farmer, the Barn Burns Down Holds Wisdom To Help When We Can and Must to Prevent Danger (for the most part, with minors and domestic abuse and more...)

 Here's the writing prompt for this post: A wonderful set of sharing on a small forum on Facebook about neighbor helping neighbor from Back in the Day when Farmers Helped One Another, Friends Filled in with needs 'no questions asked'. Thanks for pulling back the curtain from yesteryear...It's worth creating a running list of the Big Helps, Medium Helps and Little Helps...and then see how one may inform the other.

There is a kernel of wisdom that needs to be nurtured to clear the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) about the figuring out ways to help people in difficult situations. Giving care is important and critical for many to get up and about or fed and cared for on a daily basis. If they are living with others in a home setting that is 'extra work' since there is not an endless crew of paid caregivers and even volunteers. The nursing field is based on a military model of following a chain of command. 

To get more caregivers voluntarily even if paid, we need to reward them with more support since there is no way to force them to stay but boy are they needed! Even then there are no guarantees and people get sick or need to have some time off. There are labor laws and more to consider.

So it isn't easy and yet it's really important to know that one cannot be paid for care given after one has done it voluntarily even if a family member heading toward needing Medicaid. There's a lot to learn and prepare for 'early and often' before one is 60  so in one's 40s and 50s would be good. Working with family, friends  and local support groups makes sense to help more people understand the way things work in the various medical, legal, insurance and social and financial systems.

We really need to help one another use more common sense even about options of Which State to Live In (and that may be to benefit from programs one may qualify for in a matter or months or a year or two. That may be linked to going to college or if aging or needing homecare, to stay in one's home more affordably. The standards in New York and Florida were different from most, but may be changing to be more like the other US States.

Still looking at matters for each age group by the decades could help more people plan effectively (including whether to buy a home in one's name versus in one's adult child's and so on and know that there may need to be a five or seven year 'look back' period, so to do so understanding the need to plan to protect assets earlier rather than when a medical or other emergency arises only.

In terms of legalizing a relationship with marriage or adoption and so on may be helpful to review again with the needs for affording medical homecare (spouses may not necessarily be able to be paid from certain funds for the care they provide.) 

I met someone at the Bargain Box long ago (2005) and asked if she thought my outfit I was trying on looked good. We got talking and she asked me for a ride back to the hospital.

I let her know I cared for people too and could help if she needed a break. She called me soon after and I stayed with someone for the next couple of weeks, a rather famous amazing WW2 person. I got to meet the family, which also had ties to the Archie Bunker crew.

All nice folks and I earned $2K which was a lot for me. I then planned to go see the opening of The Color Purple because Gayle King at the Torrington WOW! event had let us know that Oprah would be there. Instead I had to move out of my house and on my own for six months for a strange turn of events that rocked my world.

The help I needed was not readily available but not giving up, I learned a great deal and went to national conferences and do advocacy to help far more than I ever thought I could because I got to be part of key systems and networks that more people should learn about (for their own good and to run the world more safely and sanely...)

Most know that our teen son Kaelan Palmer Paton lost his life trying to save a friend in 2009, on the last day of his freshman year at HVRHS...and basically that rocked the NW Corner's world to realize nice kids, parents and teachers could make poor choices or not take measures to prevent such tragedies by creating community standards and following them.

But maybe many others have been thinking along those lines and are playing life 'safer, wiser and happier' with team support. It's an ongoing journey and many youth and adults end up injured or done in, in jail or therapy for years, or in and out of difficult times without a sense of understanding of the value and ways to not color too far out of the lines.

Helping one another is so important but often challenging to know how to do in a timely way, with training and ongoing support and back up...and have insurance or a way to address conflicts or injuries or other kinds of loss (including someone wandering off or being lost.)

That's the whole challenge after the situation with Tom Drew of Salisbury leaving his home . There are others too of course, but that's a main one. From thinking on the 2007 event that occurred just before the CT Petit Family Tragedy which claimed the lives of a mother and her two daughters while the father was detained in the basement. I just heard there was a Power Ball winner in that community of Chesire CT recently so that may help people feel more positive about how life continues. There is also a Petit Family Foundation which does a lot of advocacy for safety and is well-funded.

The Peter Reilly Case (which finally resulted in him being freed and no charges pressed ever again after being accused as responsible for his mother Barbara Gibbon's death) from the 1970s is discussed online and in a new book by Allison Drew as well. Anyone who knew that Peter was at a Youth Group meeting at the Canaan Methodist Church should give a statement to a reliable recording resource (an affidavit or statement that is recorded with witnesses and notaries etc. Not sure of all the protocol.

But there are some who wanted to give a statement to the police who were not allowed to do so. The same kind of opportunity to do the work that should have been done in terms of giving a report or having a thorough account of the day and events leading up to the passing of Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton in June of 2009 would be helpful as well.

I hope to do more advocacy to help leaders and community members understand how reasonable and critical it is to be more accountable for the factors and people that led to the danger and death of our courageous, skilled teenager and much loved family member and friend to many.

Similar to the standards of a job accident or fatality report, clear standards for responding and recording matters accurately are important. We do know there can be false allegations, confusion and costs to saying something or not saying something. Lawyering up is something most kids have seen on LA Law such as with local  actor Sam Waterson playing the part of the prosecutor and the other defense attorney arguing cases.

Not too many years ago, I was at a Christmas Eve Service and sat down right next to Sam, not recognizing him until I did so. I managed not to be too shocked or reactive and just felt it was another gift of the season. Now I feel the reason was to remind me that we are all 'actors on the stage of life' whether in real life, court, faith groups or on stage. How we script and plan things makes a big difference, even between life and death. How everyone is trained to address a climate or safety emergency is key to how people act. With our teen son and his friends (which I discuss more on Remembering Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton) many adults, parents and school folks knew of the plans to go to an area that can be quite dangerous or not running at all but still not completely safe due to rocks and basically a lack of supervision.

I had asked responsible Moms to make sure the game plan would be to have two adults in the know and up to the task be with the teens if they went boating or to the river in general (though I had not specified that in writing and aired it widely as I am doing here now, so please print out or share on social media and set appropirate standards for all to follow voluntarily through school and other local networks!)

Some parents said to 'be careful' if they went in the river, not even realizing how high the water was and fast the falls were going over (the two go hand in hand...) While Kaelan jumped in twice along the edge at the base of the falls, where the water seemed safe enough and he had been there a couple days earlier with adults who let him go in as well as teen girl, they did not get pulled by the current upstream. Kaelan was telling people not to go in since he likely felt it was not safe, but someone jumped in without checking with him directly and did not have a clear plan of getting back out but swam in a bit more toward the current. Soon he was in peril. He told me directly the next day or so that he would have gone under but that Kaelan reached him.

The next thing he knew, Kaelan was gone. A psychic Patti Sinclar relayed to a friend who was concerned that was when Kaelan pushed his friend toward the shore, but he went under. She did not know all the details beforehand about the situation but had a few other messages for us not to see his body when it was recovered, which it was the following week. He alerted her to that as well so we did not choose to view his body. Not sure about burial plans, I took the advice others offered who were more experienced and we had his body cremated.

I have studied more and felt since four days had passed his spirit had transitioned peacefully enough and that the body was more of a shell. That is some of what the Rudolf Steiner teachings offer such as in a small book Living Into Dying by Nancy Poel. I recently had a close call travelling on a road that turned to black ice in a 'flash freeze.' I feel Kaelan's spirit or others in my circle or just the divine team in general helped me avoid that. I 'happened' to call a friend before leaving work. He said he heard on the radio out of Pittsfield MA that there may be black ice so to be careful.

I took it slow and got going a bit sooner to do that. About fifteen minutes later someone else travelling had a fatal accident related to that ice patch. Overall I promote safety and hope everyone can be more careful on roads, wearing seatbelts, being visible and cautious when walking and living with a good intention for one and all as going through the days of one's life. Kaelan Paton's Memorial Service on Youtube.com is in short segments and can help others cope with life's ups and downs, knowing we are community whether gathered together from over the years or as the seasons of our lives continue to unfold. 

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The book Searching for My Missing Father  by Allison Drew goes into the idea that the police should have interviewed the few people who were searching for him upon learning of his absence separately.

There are serious inaccuracies presented as facts and far-fetched allegations but she offers the idea to consider the possibilities.

That could apply to many situations. A key concern at the end about a missing painting indicates that people should have a few people record any kind of moving or storage project so things are not donated by mistake.

Also monitoring one's home and being clear about leases could have prevented a local realtor who was renting the home from having the owner arrested for trespassing (or thereabouts.)

Further, a main caregiver handling money should be monitored to make sure people who are hired are actually paid regularly by a third party. The agreement should also be relayed about work shifts so someone does not miss the message and fail to provide care if hired to do so.

Other phone records and the answering machine should have been checked that day as well. Basically voluntarily treating the home and people involved as though in a crime scene is the advice.

That makes sense yet there can be challenges with that since unless there is evidence of a crime they may not be able to proceed in that direction with the appropriate resources and protocol.

However it seems that maybe now there would be an option to hold people and claim the scene as a matter of police business. I don't know what the current protocol would be.

The National Guard could have been called in I have heard either for Tom Drew going missing or when Kaelan was missing in the water Or the rescue of his friend which thankfully was managed by a local hero and volunteer from Cornwall responding with his tree climbing ropes (but again breaking with protocol, given the dangerous currents and no back up which is the ideal.)

The difficult reality more people need to review is that not everyone can be saved or should be allowed to risk saving someone since that could create a more difficult rescue for others or cause one or more fatalities of injuries.

People who know about a dangerous situation should be Required to Report (since in states like Oklahoma there is a law, not fairly applied and often not reasonable coercive control and domestic violence patterns) that holds a partner of an abuser accountable for child abuse if they know it's happening (and sometimes even if they do not but that can't be proven.)

I know these are difficult matters, but the 'time is up' in terms of collectively ignoring the problems such as we say play out with the young people from Florida who travelled around the US but had a public domestic abuse incident. The loss of Gabby Petito should warn us all about the challenges of attachment and abuse. The man she was involved with and engaged to ended her life and late on his own."

That happens 1 out of 3 times when an abuser claims the life of one or more of his victims. So that is another major wake-up call, especially since there was a serious loss in Sheffield MA not long ago of an entire family at the hand of the father/ legal spouse.

The three children went to the local public school so again more schools and towns should help educate and prevent spirals of decline and danger that injure and claim lives. There are many other losses and harm caused by abuse and even legal actions that factor into a lot of coercive control. Currently VAWA is up for vote with the US Senate to provide safety for victims of abuse and their children.