Ways To Fix the World With Prevention and Accountability Game PLANS!
Who hasn't been intrigued by the idea of looking into a crystal ball and being able to tell the future? Maybe one has a special friend with good hunches, time to listen and help reveal the story of our lives. Maybe someone has a magic wand or two to wave or type into Google and reveal the unknown, only to discover there are 10K entries about the topic or question at hand.
What would happen if one typed in "Ways to prevent domestic abuse, abusers gaining custody of children, counselors, psychiatrists, doctors and friends 'not seeing the problem' or how they could intervene with a pattern of coercive control, manipulation, economic deprivation, isolation, and many other FOAs, Forms Of Abuse?"
I'll copy and paste that into my browser and see what comes up...just a moment please.
Wow, I'm back and all the wiser. SAFE-HAVEN REOPENING: LOWERING THE CUSTODY MODIFICATION STANDARD TO REOPEN AN INITIAL AGREEMENT IN CASES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE by Brittany E. DeVries covers a lot of important updates, including definitions of Coercive Control by Evan Stark (and yes, he wrote a book with that name.)
She covers points that victims of domestic abuse are often on unequal footing going into a custody or divorce matter. I pictured a child and a giant walking into the court house, with the giant garnering the points for 'Showing up big and strong and like he could do no wrong..." and the childlike wife being tolerated and barely finding a place at the table of justice.
The heavy duty legal terms and needs to get a fair share or even shared custody seem insurmountable to many women, especially if low-income or with another setback.
There are reams of books and hundreds of advocates over the past many decades revealing 'something is rotten in Denmark..or amiss in Camelot, or totally off in the social service and justice systems and even local circles of community when it comes to protecting victims of abuse and violence."
Another elephant in the community is the lack of education and discussion about 'all of the above.' Yet the danger and crime of abusers make the headlines and many others suffer in silence, even at work, at schools, in places of community and worship...so What's Wrong With This Picture for All of US and the world at large?
Why would the few rule so smugly and the systems lean so heavily and be invested in a dangerous, hurtful, unjust outcome for millions of children and their mothers...and yes a few good men along the way?
Once the public wakes up to That Tragedy that has claimed lives, created countless injuries and kept a million children from their protective mothers for decades...we may even call it 'worse than COVID19 and more preventable too.
Instead of scrubbing with cleansers and washing our hands however we may need to get them dirty and pull out the law books, revise basic safety protocol and realize more distancing to allow for a safe secure attachment to form between a protective mother and her children is of paramount important.
Prioritizing the safey and well-being of children is key to their longterm health and development. Meanwhile a perpetrator of violence can access programs to Change His Ways and try to be accountable to others who will help him, one step at a time, one day and part of life at a time.
There does not need to be shame and blame but rather willingness to learn and conform to new accountability partners while living apart as much as possible to let things settle into a new normal of safety and respect. Like healing a broken bone, learning new habits and finding ways to function responsibly and respectfully takes time.
Hopefully this is a helpful first step not only for the people in a conflicted, abusive setting whether family, friends, co-workers, neighbors or others, but for the circles of community and systemic responses that could make a meaningful difference. When people drop the ball, fall prey to their own anger and sense of pride, worry about 'getting too involved, having to report or even document concerns', then there are missed opportunities.
Danger levels and even benign neglect can arise since minors may be braving more independence yet also acting out with risk-taking as a way to signal that they need guidance and supervision.
Plus in custody cases that bar is raised many fold. We all need clarification about how to monitor minors, use common practical ways to allow them to gain skills, particularly about being out in the community on their own, driving or having passengers and more. Too many cases the insights come after a tragedy.
There need to be clear responses nationally if not worldwide for trained or competent people to document all aspects and concerns connected to such a loss. I do a fair amount of that in a post called Remembering Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton. The meaning of his passing is on multitple levels even over a decade later.
Thank you to all who had shown support and care about all of family over the years from the beginnings in the late 1980s through the first decade of 2000 and beyond.
With Kaelan being part of a group of friends and passing the day after a difficult divorce his father petitioned for and which carried on for a couple of years you can assume there's plenty that should be reviewed even at this time to help prevent such loss of time with a child (those couple of years prior to his passing) and the way the divorce proceedings played out over a couple of years.
The laws are improving but there's plenty of room for improvement even with community, social, friend and family responses to any kind of concern or legal matter. Hopefully as advocates and I spell those out, more can benefit.
That is the overall goal, to improve what's possible for more people and to inform them of the pitfalls that are par for the course. In that regard my hands and computer serve as the magic wands and crystal ball I have been hoping for, both for research and networking as well as for conveying important ideas to pave the way to a brighter, more respectful future. Thanks for being on the journey with a sense of good will for one and all on our small ball called planet Heart!
