Finding Solutions and Ways to Prevent Danger of All Kinds (and still have a Great Life)

Dear Community and State Leaders and People from All Walks of Life Working toward A Healthier, Safer World:

 

Please help share this valuable resource (Family and Intimate Partner Violence Quarterly online from the Civic Research Institute, on sale now, May 2019) with those in your national and state if not international circles. There will be a Blue Bloods Television episode about sexual assault on this Saturday, May 11th at 9am (ION station.) 

 

There are other important resources at CivicResearchInstitute.org (and I have two books edited by Barry Goldstein on DV I can share with those in the tri-corner MA/NY CT area. One has a second edition which could prove especially helpful to DV Survivors seeking custody so should be secured through a legal or other library resource --p--perhaps a DV Agency.) 

 

Thank you for helping with his important issue that has a great deal of room for improvement. The Battered Mothers Custody Conference has summaries online and links to inform other states as well about important initiatives to prioritize victim safety. Thank you for your interest and efforts in many areas.

 

PS I did meet a Pennsylvania family who is doing advocacy in the name of their deceased loved one, #Kaedyn'sKorner. US House Resolution 72 would prioritize safety in custody matters in the first level of decision-making and ideally lead to victims having custody of their children without having to share them with the perpetrator of abuse.

 

 I feel a great deal of education needs to be shared by all facets of society, much like preparing for the thankfully far less common 'school danger or shooting'. Coercive Control by Evan Stark is a helpful resource (and I also have a copy of that and a few other key books to inform leaders of the latest research and recommendations.) 

 

Unfortunately the National Parents Organization (NPO) has been pushing for shared custody to be the default position which leaves many victims in a highly compromised situation. That is why a comprehensive screening should be done not only before a custody matter is heard (since many parents may not be married it pertains to more than those getting a legal divorce.)

 

Most people can make an amicable or reasonable settlement, perhaps recalling that they had intentions to be respectful and meaningful parts of one another's lives, rear children (their own natural or adopted, a blended or otherwise configuration.)

 

Often friends and relatives help rear children as much as either parent, and may be gaining ways to have some access to children after a divorce or during a custody process (that's generally grandparents. There was one case of a step-father getting custody of a teen he was not the biological father of over the biological mother. That case had support from advocates to not allow it, and while it got overturned, the mother sadly passed away a couple of years later.  There is more information on that on Wings of Justice website I believe.

 

Ideally more parents and people in general could be directed to a voluntary free, confidential screening test (that they could see and use for their own assessment, not necessarily clicking answers in. ) People could do the 'basic math' not only for abuse and risk factors for harm or difficulty but also for mental health such as is offered in the book by Richard O'Connor, author of Undoing Depression (and likely online) to assess for depression or other concerning conditions or even dementia etc.

 

In terms of studies, a more comprehensive investigation of any fatality of a minor would be helpful to have established whether there is a crime or not. 

 

Unfortunately, it was almost ten years ago on June 16th, 2009 that our teen son Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton drowned when rescuing a third friend from the Housatonic River in Falls Village (and Salisbury CT.) There has never been a meaningful accounting of who was present, the events that led to the group of youths going to the river and specifically to swim or jump in the dangerous water. The danger was not well understood about the undercurrents or the fast water.

 

 The adults who gave permission for such a risky activity were not interviewed or informed of the error of their judgment. Some did understand the danger and let their children go anyway and encouraged them to 'be careful and find a safe place to go in,' not understanding the water level changes significantly and therefore the forces of the current.

 

 The verbal agreement between myself and one parent (on two separate occasions) to not allow the youth to go to the river without appropriate guidelines (a reasonable low flow or safe section as determined by two adults not just one) and withe safety equipment of life vests and abilities assessed as well. All of that would be reasonable to have rescue workers assess if not preclude particularly at the Falls (which officially is off limits for swimming.)

 

Another person well-aware of the risk felt it was 'the parent's responsibility' to determine whether they would allow their children to go. While that parent made many calls, one was not made to me or others in my family who are readily accessible. That level of 'disconnect' is far from ideal. Indeed that person could have and should have alerted the school.

 

 The location of the Falls and river being a mile from the HVRHS campus is a concern the community could take into account. Every local area could consider what kinds of risks they would caution adults not to allow minors to go to alone or without proper supervision. The edge of danger could be highlighted whether going too close to a dangerous body of water or pushing limits of being with unsafe people (certain parties or events) or in cars with unsafe or illegal drivers or any DUI situations. 

 

The discussions that could help prevent such situations are not being held. Voluntary guidelines clarifying the roles of adults who are supervising youth, including all mothers and fathers (as it is safe and appropriate to inform them each in terms of protective or restraining orders etc) and those adults in charge whether at home or school need to be created and shared in writing (online and posters, ideally with some verification that a parent has read and will abide by them.)

 

 The basic strategy would be to set a clear boundary with youth that 'the answer is no unless you get permission or it is on the approved list.' That would include leaving the school grounds by any means (or other program such as sports and could be extended to include other functions for students to understand they need to be team players in allowing their whereabouts to be tracked reasonably.) At least one savvy parent worked to make sure their child was not in the area after school so there would be no sneaking back (by bike or catching a ride) to the dangerous outing that the group of youths were on from school on their bikes

 

Many other students were concerned yet did not think to report to their gym teacher and principal who in turn could have alerted parents or spoken to the youth or even asked the police to have a talk with them. Those are some basic go-to strategies any school could use as schedules change or special events arise.

 

Encourage all parents to show they know what is going on, to be on an an email or text list about where their own child is likely to be (have the youth participate in being accountable) and largely 'Don't Just Trust Kids to Do What They Say They Will Do...They Are KIDS, and as minors, adults do hold a legal responsibility if not liability to make sure they are doing safe, reasonable things.' 

 

Of course, plenty of adults have similar problems following through with getting their life and safety protocol figured out. Often there are some stressors or controlling people influencing them that they may not be aware of. Plus the cost of living can be a stress in itself. But at least we're talking about things and 'sharing the burden' on all fronts or could be doing moreso!

 

This is a major news breakthrough however, and many adults feel stymied and 'give up' even due to other adults having more flexible or loose guidelines..or feeling 'the kids need to make their own decisions.' Too often that's too much responsibility to handle. Likely plenth of youth in private schools need reminders about 'what's really legal or normal' in the real world. While some schools are not co-ed, plenty are and the relationships can get fairly serious and complicated much as happens on a college campus.

 

Now that more people are aware of how manhy 'consequences there are or should be' for mainly men violating women, likely more programs and outreaches are closing some important gaps to at least talk up the idea of fairness and safety. As more people expect that hopefully the culture will shift...and just in time to deal with climate change or other politically sensitive trends that likely can call collective action into being.

 

The parameters for safety could be spelled out more uniformly whether regarding driving others, riding in a car with a certain number of other people, and always checking with both parents if going out of the area or doing something dangerous or potentially risky (around the Falls for instance or other natural settings with water such as the ocean, lakes, jet skiing and so on, or hiking or going into the city.)

 

 With marijuana legal for adults, the terms of that should be spelled out more clearly as well for parents with young children, or even teens, to find ways to not expose them to the smoke or even to alcohol in ways that may be modelling the acceptability of drinking. That is just a suggestion but many adults are not considering their actions even if having more than a glass of wine or a beer.

 

 Even that could be monitored ideally by the adults to 'not drink often or too excess' in front of minors,  and not to give minors sips to celebrate or get them used to drinking as children or teens, no matter the culture or what one experienced growing up.

 

 Reasonable strategies could be shared to have kids stay with trustworthy friends or for parents to have a designated driver and be at a friends or out in public drinking. The expense might be reasonable to mention for parents and others to consider as they make budgets and again to help youth understand the expenses involved if they want to inform their minors of important points. A site about the genetic factors and risks involved with alcohol and drug use, especially over time would be helpful as well.

 

Small steps from many disciplines can be helpful to address problems that due arise, as they are still apt to. Many more people are realizing the value and necessity of preventing problems rather than allowing them to create bigger concerns and losses for people and those they impact over time.

 

Every parent, school, caregiver, and other program could use the information voluntarily to craft their own safety plans for each age group and encourage family's to use (one for the school year, one for summer, maybe sharing holidays with various people on the odd years versus the even years and so on and alternating holidays and maybe summer vacation time whether a family is together or living in more than one location.)

 

Modern times create more opportunities and even more challenges but hopefully stigma and difficulty about changing routines or finding new ways to be accountable can be incorporated reasonably so more people are 'on the same page.' If people are willfully or even benignly negligent, more gofundme.com or group support may result in much needed social and monetary support to help cope with unintended consequences.

 

Fundraisers and outreaches done in the aftermath of loss or difficulty are becoming more helpful in addressing immediate community and even personal needs. Helping with such efforts and doing 'community service' are other ideas for people to abide by 'voluntarily' and could again have some guidelines such as a hundred hours and $100 for each minor and parent involved in causing another harm of a certain level.

 

If there's a fatality that may be upwards of 500 hours and $500 payable by each minor and parent (so $1500 and yes, 1500 hours) That could be done over a period of ten years so that would be 150/year or about 12/month per person or $36 per family monthly. That ten years could be extended to fifteen or twenty (maybe payable through a third party so there would be a way to have bookkeepping and direction of the funds as the receivers would prefer, particularly if there is more than one recipient.)

 

I think of these kinds of 'responses' since I recall a friend having to do 1000 hours of community service when his passenger died in a strange accident, due to the car slipping on wet leaves.

 

I don't know if he had to pay a fee, but the loss of his friend who was not riding in a safe manner, was one that rocked our community at the time back in the 1970s in another area of CT. That was considered a helpful result rather than going to juvenile detention or even jail as many teens have had to do before CT fairly recently changed its laws. The idea that there would be a consequence or response only when mandated is one that needs reconsideration.

 

Having unfortunately been involved with the loss of someone who was elderly and frail in terms of being the one 'on duty' in a home setting, I have given a great deal of thought and effort to thinking about ways to prevent such a turn of events of someone wandering from their home who normally would not be someone who would do so.

 

The difficult reality that there could have been foul play along a road side by some passenger was mentioned by a few, and that in turn could inform more people to have more safety precautions in place when walking for exercise. Ideally there would be a buddy system, a cell phone that is charged, a whistle and even pepper spray (for dogs, bears, attackers), and mainly a well-lit, safe sidewalk or quiet road rather than trusting drivers to be alert and competent. I have heard stories of people nearly being missed by a school bus barreling along.

 

Same goes for biking, to practice safety by and large and realize sometimes 'there's no telling' if a parked car is going to have someone opening a door. Ideally they should check carefully both before getting in a car (for anything around or even below their car if there may be cats or kids around or apt to try to follow one.) The bigger the trucks or the busier someone is to get out of a driveway the more careful a person should be to double check that children and pets are in a house with the door locked if leaving them in another's responsible person's care.

 

Like I said, we could have a list of many 'basics' and that would include having safety guards on windows and locks as well, and ideally keep doors closed if not locked so children who may be curious to hide or climb out of a window would be deterred. A simple lock up high (or maybe a bolted one) can keep the more savvy 5 year olds from finding their way outdoors. Thanks for doing your part and playing it smart (and sharing your tips anonymously and otherwise here and in your local area.)

 

A basic safety list for schools with each age and the parents and others to follow (and review with teams, calls and even checking one another's homes to make sure there are no guns (if that is one's preference), that guns are secured properly as in locked cabinets and other local laws, that ammunition is not available to youth and so on are things that were new to my mindset to check for yet our local Youth Service Bureau promoted that kind of advocacy among parents and even got parents to sign a pledge they would not serve alcohol to youth or have it available in unlocked cabinets.

 

Now most realize prescription meds and many inhalants also need to be monitored (and locked up.) Some might joke we need to lock the kids up or others addicted, but that's not the point. They do have to live in the world, yet hopefully would make better choices with a good start of not being exposed or using early or often. If minors can manage to get to 18 and on into their twenties without using substances then they very well may not succumb to using at all or not in dangerous ways. We can always hope. 

 

They could recruit others and get help even in doing the community service hours, ideally meeting practical needs that could assist the people that suffered the loss and the rescue fundraising or other efforts as would be appropriate in 'paying it forward.' 

 

Guidelines to encourage youth under 18 to have an adult supervising their driving for at least a year would be a helpful proactive step in preventing youth from having reckless rides  when new drivers. Having curfew guidelines (as they do in some towns in Texas for instance) and more awareness of basic car mechanics and how to check air (in the tires), oil (under the hood), fuel (if the gauge is working or using the odometer if it's not working), how to pump gas safely (please no smoking or vaping etc in or near the car or pump,and not using a cell phone either when near the pump even in the car..just pull away safely for passengers or a driver to use the cell.)

 

And don't leave the gas unattended. No carrying gas in one's car either (just in the trunk or in a pickup.) If absolutely needed to do so, double bag and in the container, a plastic gas can) and basically don't do that regularly. The fumes are noxious and flammable.

 

All of those kinds of things are important to check for when people are driving your children or you about...and even check that the registration, insurance and basic maintenance if up-to-date. As the driver one is responsible for knowing these things. Okay there could be list, numbered and categorized and plunked on a calendar for teams of folks to help implement (through team efforts, buddy systems and more, ideally in public places well-supervised and attended.)

 

Those could be fundraisers to help everyone be safer on the road and even when carrying a heavy load of stuff (such as moving in and out of college, especially at graduation time when the family may want to focus on celebrating, so bring friends to do the grunt work...and really maybe hire eager beavers too who may be local to the college. A little business is a life saver sometimes...

 

Now speaking of life savers, life vests and more should be worn on a boat or near dangerous water and in any river swimming (especially white water, which again is generally not a great idea. It is a given in whitewater canoeing so just do like the pros and don a helmet and lifevest and learn a lot about that or any sport that is risky well from people and the American Red Cross for Water Safety and Rescue not just swimming.

 

You never know when you may see someone in danger, and sometimes jumping in and saving them is too uncertain to risk it. Whether our son bought his last friend some precious moments to be saved, helped him get better oriented (even though the friend and Kaelan both went under the water momentarily and Kaelan did not resurface), gave him a push to help him get farther away from the dangerous undertow or angelic interventions and the youth's own determination helped him hang on a few extra moments to be rope rescued successfully is something to consider. Those were high odds against being saved, many forces seemingly creating an impossible situation and rescue of even the one lad.

 

Yet thankfully, Skip Kosciusko, who explains more on the youtube of Kaelan Paton's Memorial Service which was held in mid July of 2009, after Kaelan's body resurfaced and was recovered near the Covered Bridge in West Cornwall CT a week later on June 23rd, 2009 which happened to be the day Michael Jackson died. One psychic recounted upon meeting me a few days later that Kaelan had told her that he had gone under when pushing his friend toward safety though they were a fair distance from the shore. Others have told me they sense Kaelan is with other family and loved ones in spirit and 'doing well.'

 

That is heartwarming as I have heard similar messages about many in spirit in my circle which I may have sensed earlier in life as well, yet would often have plenty of worry and despair mixed in. I think that helps me understand that others may find themselves on quite a continuum over their lifetime in managing difficulties and processing grief...and I know there can always be 'more.'

 

There were not rocks to hold onto in the middle of the river, so that would have been a key point to help his friends understand. If they jumped in to swim back toward shore, not toward the middle of the river at the base of the Falls. The idea of a camel walking through the eye of a needle comes to mind in thinking of how much courage or determination to defy the physics and forces of the situation each youth who jumped in the water, especially from up high had.

 

As Skip Kosciusko (yes, like a bridge in NYC and one between  CT and Albany NY) explains in the short middle video of the memorial, the forces were extremely powerful, ripping his jeans as the waters pounded down on him. Yet near the edge below where the Falls landed in plunge hole, the waters were at times quiet on the surface and even stopped moving altogether.

 

The kind of recklessness that teen boys (mainly 15 and Kaelan and maybe another was 16 though had only been in high school for his first year since he went into grade school in first grade at age 8. He was a good student and got strong grades throughout his nine years of school. He had gone to kindergarten also but then home-schooled for a year before returning to the public school in Sharon CT. We had his memorial there and trees were donated in his memory, a Japanese maple as well as three others to replace some that were taken down earlier.

 

This first decade since Kaelan's passing has gone quickly in ways and with many new developments in our family and community and wider circles. I hope to start more formal initiatives and outreaches to spur growth in our shared understanding from one generation to younger ones to be more clear early on about guiding people to use more common sense and voluntary guidelines to create a safer, healthier world and way to manange difficulties, conflicts, relationships, challenges, custody and other serious matters whatever the parents marital or housing status.

 

Schools, faith groups and towns and cities can all join in the concerns and solutions to healing on many levels. Ideally there would be a handy directory much like 211.org and in NYC 311.org (or calling 211 or in NYC 311) to reach services and find non-profits and even individuals who are collaborating to bring these ideas to fruition.

 

Thanks for doing your part and for finding more comfort along the way knowing we are on a shared journey and everyone is generally doing their best with a caring heart to stay in the game of life and see it as a team sport, using common sense and laws to remind us of our core values and wonderful ways to enjoy life.

 

Thanks for considering these ideas and others that I share on http://www.livfully.org. 

 

--Catherine Palmer Paton, CT and NY