A New Neighborly Start at the Start of the New Year, 2019 (and even monthly or weekly...)

This post has been brewing for a while and a hundred folks had read something about the problems that can creep up in and around one's property and relationships with neighbors.

I figure it could be a plus to ring a bell of clearance and light a candle in the darkness of confusion of the Past..to help us start a new path of care and considerate communication and concessions without growing conflict or courts and police, etc.

Just good ol' neighborly making a plan to 'go along to get along' with taking turns being nice and sharing an interest in cooperation over competition. That helps everyone feel more like the winner they are (or can be, if they've had set-backs.)

Some would say 'people who hurt people are hurting people themselves..' So considering they may have had a poor start in life (literally or with few support people even if fed, cared for and otherwise kept in the loop of modern living.)

There can be mental health challenges short-term or due to heartache, or something more intrinsic or complicated with habits or addictions that they find hard to get a handle on even with support.

But the stage is set and we seem to be the ones 'writing the script' (as Shakespeare offered.) 

Now to open up discussion about 'neighborly interactions that can start off or become contentious for various reasons' I offer some thoughts...and welcome yours.

Maybe  with dates, overviews and any concerns, it's worth starting with charting (neighbor by neighbor, but even if one lives with others.) Start a private notebook or online file  for any neighbor or other person, housemate and/ or each family member." Some say if 'it isn't written down, it didn't happen. So in most caregiving, working or conflict situations, it's important to be able to Prove what you did, loaned, gave, shared and so on with written evidence, should the conflict lead one to need police or court support. Hopefully it won't and ideally a support network can help people work through and summarize situations.

A MOU, Memorandum of Understanding, about the past as well as present situations and a few guidelines to have support to address matters in the future, again with some mutually agreed-upon guidelines, can help all parties feel acknowledged and empowered...even if the same or new conflicts o or issues emerge.

That can all be part of a learning and living curve, but 'coming up for air is key' and helping one recover from the past and feel safe and respected in the future is all important also. Sharing space in a home has its own set of 'guidelines and challenges' for everyone to feel safe and 'at home' with personal boundaries respected.

That can include not having conversations or interactions as well as planning for some reasonable ways to stay informed and civil if not friendly to some degree, whether an email, phone call, mutual friends and interests, outings in public nearby and with one's own transportation if not possibly sharing a ride if needed.

Ideally emergencies but that's part of the package of being human and citizens of a neighborhood, community, town, state and country. 

Some 'unforeseen' situations may include a a medical need or fire or storm bringing branches down and so forth, but being aware of the basic human needs of any and all people, from pregnant women and infants to children, people with special care needs, mobility challenges, mental health challenges or aging or dementia issues could all be kept in mind.

Even if people don't have a the best start or have had a contentious relationship over a few years or more, maybe 'go-between' people from the area or community can be brought in to help ease tensions and take some 'modern, updated readings.' Time and life can have its ups and downs so maybe 'things have shifted for one or more people.'

Sadly sometimes an illness can take over for any given person, and more care and support would be needed even if not given directly, Often neighborly networks can be set up with faith and civic groups or other supports even online (with gofundme or paypal accounts for instance) to show a level of support.

Even is someone passes away, whether anticipated or not, a makeshift support team could be organized, ideally with some support from a town social worker, local faith or other service group and outfitted with the kinds of capable helpers needed to assist each family member and friend needing support.

Sometimes making a phone number and email available can make 'general offers' more likely to be followed up.

Someone being able to stop by and visit the family with some time to make a short list of what might be needed then or in the near future helps get the wheels turning.

Let's keep in mind the idea of driving safely with good tires and oil checked at each fill up (or at least monthly folks) and overall be courteous and kind, reaching destinations safely not speedily as the goal. If idling is necessary to warm up a car, please be considerate of others and keep it to a few minutes.

Generally driving slowing for 5 minutes or more does the trick just as well so driving away from residences would be great and if need be idle farther away.

In CT buses (and maybe other cars as well) are not allowed to idle for more than a few minutes and many other states are following suit.

Being careful with woodsmoke from wood burning fires in terms of health affects on all near one's house and the environment is also being discussed.Smoking in one's home can be a health hazard for all living or visiting.

The smoke--nicotene or marijuana-- infiltrates the fibers of one's home furnishings, clothes and walls so the damage can be extensive. Consider opening a window if it's too cold to be outdoors, or sitting in one's heated car (ideally not near the neighbors) and smoking out a car window. Or build oneself a 'smoke shack.' I am amazed how far the United States has come with not allowing smoking in public venues, often including the grounds.

I feel sorry for those who were or are addicted since they likely 'had no clue their work or livelihood could be so impacted.' That's the new way of making changes, less warning not more.

But ideally everyone is finding ways to wean themselves off the 'cancer sticks' as many folks have called them long before that was proven or other harmful substances, costly and tricky as they can be....

For those really needing medical marijuana, use may make sense, but even there looking to other healing modalities such as acupuncture, emotional and mental balance, practical support can possibly ease many needs.

Recreational use likely will lead many more into 'other substances or more of it to get the same high or cope with stress.' With a healthy diet and exercise, likely people would feel as balanced or well rather than ingesting chemical depressants. Checking for overall physical and mental health factors would make sense before using any chemicals to alter one's chemistry or boost a mood.

The more everyone weighs in on these 'common human factors' the better chance at addressing basic needs early on.

So whether it's a physical need or problem with one's health or one's social circles, being open to thinking it through and asking for help even with possible options (online could do a lot here with role plays and resources...) then we could help everyone feel like more of the Team Players they are for themselves and their neighbors on our one plan-it heart!

Now back to some stories... feel free to share your own without identifying names or other aspects of a situation that could replay the scenes for someone energetically in a negative way... Thanks a bundle and here's to the new neighborly start to the new year for US All!

One fellow lost a great old car he meant to fix to a branch that he'd meant to take down 'any day since it had been a worry for years. These are some lessons to learn from as a society. What branches are about to fall, maybe with a strong wind, maybe an old pine or willow that's known to go?

Another guy recommends everyone to have plenty of filled fire extinguishers to put out any fire that can happen when working on a car, especially one that's been sitting a while but let's face it..any kind of fire even outdoors.Now for some stories...

One fellow was hopeful about getting some huge pines taken down only to find that the town or state road they were on had their own rules.

At first it seemed he was stuck with them, then with some extra persistent calls and inquiries, one by one they were removed by the officials after all or he was allowed to do so at his own expense. 

But sometimes it's not the land or trees, it's the cash, cars, cares and critters. Let's just Think Out Loud here..Make Your Own List of What You've Learned, Suffered or Lost Directly or Have Heard of from over the years locally or beyond...

Gleaning new insights from hard-won wisdom is the point of this. Maybe you've been shorted money or payment in kind for services. Get a Legal Agreement for Any Work One Expects to be Paid for promptly or in the future (when assets are available such as the sale of a home if doing elderly care for someone, even family.)

The mandates for what qualifies as a legitimate, timely legal agreement is important to learn and implement Before Starting a Job or Caregiving situation (and yes that is work whether paid or unpaid.) In terms of 'noisy neighbors' or housemates, consider in apartment buildings or multi-story homes, that can mean people living literally 'above your head' or 'below your feet' and maybe on both sides.

Complaint departments do not exist necessarily and even if trying to work things out 'the first few times or over a year or more' there may come a time, sooner or later, when The Police Are Called. 

I think I have written about the pros and Cons of doing so Recently I saw something in a Domestic Violence Report publication review that said while 'primary aggressor laws in domestic violence situations (and often other kinds of matters even people are not in the same household, co-parents, family or dating or married which generally comprise who is handled with Domestic Violence Laws) were supposed to curtail or cut down significantly on the percentage of Dual Arrests, that has not necessarily  turned out to be as effective as anticipated in the past ten years.'

I did not get the report for $18 but asked a state legal representative to look into it. CT has had a Primary Aggressor Law put in place since October 1, 2018, but a few police officers I have spoken to in the northwest corner and beyond 'haven't even heard of it.'

That's not going to bode well for any victims who have perhaps been informed by their domestic violence advocates about a better outcome if calling for help.

In Ireland however (yes just set your gaze to the Emerald Island across the pond, the Atlantic Ocean) they have outlawed emotional abuse as a form of domestic abuse. Something important has happened in New Zealand too, I think paid leave for victims of abuse to not lose their job or pay when needing time off to go to court or transition. See CA Protective Parents Association (CPPA, practially my initials which I am happy about...)

Now if we could just get Piqui's Law and the US House Resolution 72 passed to provide a nationwide security blanket for victims of abuse to obtain primary custody initially of their children even for alleged abuse, we'd be making strides in meaningful ways for our youngest, most vulnerable victims of abuse. We still have a long way to go to prevent child abuse and even animal abuse, but at least we are starting to think out loud and online about such matters. 

Animals, especially dogs and cats, can be put in contentious spots whether a dog's barking bothers neighbors or a cat getting out eating birds is an issue (which is it in our country, so ideally more could have well-supervised fenced in areas to go out and play...no birds allowed in their space.)

See Audubon, org for ideas about promoting bird habitats with trees such as oaks and birches. Information from Doug Tallamy's books about which shrubs and plants thrive in various zip codes (areas of the country) are handy and available through the links on Audubon as well. 

So this post covered a lot maybe without saying 'much at all' about serious conflicts. See NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) to learn more about being compassionate and insightful about people having mental health challenges and the healthier support systems the person with needs and their family or support team can access or work to put in place.

Many things 'take time' so every community could work to have some 'makeshift' plans in place whether for local short-term housing, caregivers, funds for loans or work and a variety of other basics such as rides or help with transportation, more serious health needs or if someone moves to a care faclity or for when someone locally dies or even if a local person passes when not in the immediat area.

The kind of calls and follow-up can be difficult for a family or friend to have to face alone or even as part of a team, but having support and dividing tasks can help with any decision-making (especially for instance whether buying or renting a home with a lease, selling off assets or stocks or buying more 'of all one thing' (generally I hear that's Not A Good Idea, NAGI.)

Many 'poor decisions' may be one's of 'impulse control' challenges, so try to see if one is prone to that and have a buddy system or more to safeguard against 'impulse buying, spending, selling, making big decisions-oh.)

Again maybe locally support people could be identified to 'have second and third opinions' and help outfit one with helpful resources and support people to address any situation from the get-go of life to over the decades and when it's time to get off the train of life in the human body...and back into spirit.

Many important helpful ideas are emerging so likely much of this will sound more normal than it would have a decade or two ago and many more will be benefitting. This weekend in NY City there is an Extinction Rebellion US rally on Saturday, Jan. 12th, 2019 in the afternoon. There is a facebook page and I'll do a new post on that..Let's be neighborly with ever'buddy on the plan-it heart while she's still livable!