There are forums where all sorts of issues can be discussed for parents and caregivers in an area. On one such online group that serves about 4K people, a conflict that occurred drew 25 responses, mainly supportive. In a nutshell, a mom and a pregnant friend had a stoop sale on a block that seemed user-friendly and was within the customs they had practiced earlier in life.
Their kids set up a small lemonade stand and most folks enjoyed stopping by the stand and stoop sale. But not everyone. Someone in the building whose lawn was being used complained from on high, and then in person. Their 'partner', a woman, happened to come out later and insist they leave as her husband had told them to do she believed.
That had not been the case. They had offered to do that but he did not say anything and they moved closer to the corner. The woman who feels she was verbally assaulted posted and said she thought to video the second interchange and told the woman she was doing so. Most people on the group who responded apologized that she had to go through that.
She wasn't sure she should post but I thought it brave and helpful she did so..and here's what else I said. Mind you there's mostly a couple dozen listings daily for nannies, homes for rent or in need, items for sale and some political rallying or program info for people to thumb through. I learned I can be part of the group without getting the daily postings and I'll do that.
But since I happened to get informed I feel all the other weeks of postings were 'worth it' and I hope the response if helpful to people near and far wherever they are. Cuz 'one minute to the next' you may not know what's coming up for a life lesson or challenge.
Another tip, try to make sure a little one is not geared up for running when on a bed as in Stay Close and Think like a tot... they can certainly cover ground quickly even with a couple of steps (and something to bump into.) In terms of curtains, make sure rods are secured and if 'someone pulls on them they won't come down.' Another basic tip is to 'don't take action without checking if it's okay' if talking options over with someone...(even like pulling a curtain or extra layer of darkening sheet over the curtain down) or anything 'like that.'
Be clear when you are going from 'discussion mode' to 'taking action mode so no one is strartled by your action, even changing seats in a theatre or doing something 'quickly to not make a scene' (too often that Does concern people...)
Okay now Back to this post over Lemonade and a few items for sale... and many lessons learned. Plus the bonus reminder here that anyone Can Walk Away from anyone else without an 'explanation' or reason. Just go 'get a drink of water or look for a bathroom, or make a call...' and the person should get the idea. If they pursue you, say "Get Back," "Stop following me" or again, just keep walking if you have some distance. Always get your kids and have them be clear you may need them to go with you quickly and without questioning..and things can be retrieved later. In terms of telling someone to 'not talk', consider that may be against the law.
Rather say, "NO, I am Not Open to talking." Even with family, friends and others who may be discussing topics you do not like or agree with (on a small or larger level, personal or political) let them know your boundaries. You may add, No, Not Now or Not for a few days or not without another person or two with us, not verbally but maybe in writing and so on.
Spell out Your terms and allow them to do the same in an effort to 'keep the peace.' This practice can also give someone time to reflect on why they don't want to talk something over, what is bothering them, what feelings or beliefs come up for them and so on. Maybe they can email themselves a note about it, text a friend or agency and so on. The Option Dialogue process may be worth looking into for more people to be aware of the way one's mind's and stories unfold and interact with one's current experiences and interactions.
As a newer person in the area, a grandmother at that, I am hoping to understand the changes in many parts of the Brooklyn area. I have also taken mediation and many programs to address an array of factors for more people to have some guidance for themselves and others when coming into a concern or conflict.
As difficult as this situation was with mothers, particularly a pregnant mother, and children involved when one or more adults addressed them in unexpected, impolite and likely a verbally aggressive manner at close range, it is helpful to know that no one got hurt physically. I commend the parties for reaching out for help for themselves and the young children involved. This would be a case which would almost be used as a role play to understand how conflict can arise over 'almost nothing' and even between strangers.
Knowing which state one is in and which people to call for help (whether police, friends, a hotline or get a tape and pursue concerns later once things resolved) would be good 'take-away' learning tips. While a typical mediator would 'remain neutral' and allow for a voluntary exchange of ideas that would occur after the fact, in an agreed upon manner with guidelines offered by each participant and the mediator, that is the transformative mediation model.(see more in the book The Promise of Mediation)
The facilitative model is more of a coach calling the terms to keep both parties (or all parties as the case may be) on track of having equal time and a focus of concerns and solutions. Without wearing the hat of a mediator, (which again would happen when both parties are safe and on a voluntary basis, perhaps done before going to a more serious intervention or after going to court and being referred out if both parties agreed), everyone should have an idea of what would happen If the Police Were Called.
They could be informed (in the 88th precinct) even after the fact and both parties spoken to by police, to give a statement and so on. That is not the ideal way to 'learn the law' or work out conflicts necessarily but it is an Option Each Person should feel is a reasonable option if they are concerned for their safety or that of their children. Ideally if someone is aggressive, even verbally, the idea likely would be to Get Away and Stay Away, Do not Re-Engage and Do tape or record as one can whether involved or an a passerby.
That so much could transpire in a short period of time over a fairly simple, neighborly activity is a concern that could be a wake-up call for all residents in the area. Many housing places are trying to encourage fewer calls to the police, a clear way to mediate disputes and so on.
Yet without knowing what the laws are (which vary from state to state, even about domestic abuse, yet a wellness check can be done if people seem to be in high conflict, with yelling or concern about children or others not being able to leave or make a call, etc.) There is a lot to learn. I would hope in the future if such problems arise, the simplest path to deescalate would be taken, as in picking up and leaving, especially with minors.
Perhaps a better location with clear support could be found to encourage a neighborly event of stoop sales, lemonade and so on. Coming from CT, the list of rules and regulations are Endless and mainly based on 'law-suits' or nipping violence or abuse in the bud. Any yelling or agitation can be deemed 'disturbing the peace' even if the parties do not feel that's what it is. There used to be a lot of 'dual arrests' but programs like Safe and Together Model are promoting protecting victims of abuse and keeping them with their children.
The gentrification matter is one that deserves an ongoing group of people taking note of people's concerns and seeing what can be done to address the array of changes or policies that seem to be creeping up or taking over.
The idea of informed consent to policy changes of people getting behind in housing fees (rents, mortgages, maintenance and other expenses to improve housing which may be passed over in part to the latter fee over time) seem to be a 'gray area' and hard to backtrack and figure out regarding the timing, the changes in policies and what the protocol really is for making other changes.
The idea is emerging that more independent 'social work' or voluntary networks and perhaps funding sources (outside of any housing corporation for instance) could be helpful with point people being notified if residents sign a release to do so.
That is not in place at this time but many such 'counter measures' with a win-win strategy need to be explored. If circumstances are really changing as in someone not being able to afford their basic housing costs, additional resources or perhaps co-housing would be options to explore or short-term rental of a place for a year for instance. Many people care and getting all insights gathered and listed so people can feel acknowledged are key measures to take. A lot can be done in FB groups or with email and I appreciate this forum.
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