Once Upon an Apology (That Never Came... But Insights Did...)

I hope to share a few insights to help people who 'never get the apologies they feel and know are due'. First, 'it's not your fault that someone or more folks, groups, businesses, states or countries' do not have a form for you to fill out so they have a clue an apology might be due. There is no team to investigate for the greater good what wrongs may have been done not only to you but also 'yours' (think kids, property, possibly other family members as well, etc.)

One Big Clue here is that for many years Domestic Violence Education or Assessment of Services was Not Being Done in Rural Communities (in CT at least.) The Northwest Corner got a grant twice to the tune of $500K or more (I actually think it was a million dollars) to do some surveys and outreach in the last decade, likely about a decade ago, around 2005.

In the end they put out a report with some brief summaries from www.lundybancroft.com about dynamics of abusive and controlling types of men and yes, some women, but most cases by far involve males. Yet Father's Rights groups get $500 million annually to keep programs going for Dads to be involved even when in prison or going through often ineffective batterer programs to address abusive attitudes and actions.See www.StopAbuseCampaign.com and Barry Goldstein for more information.

They could not include the more recent reports such as from the Center for Judicial Excellence from CA about the national travesty of custody courts granting sole or primary custody to abusive men (that's about 10% of the cases of divorces or custody battles involving children even if the parents were not ever married and/or living together.)

The National Parents Organization is working to make shared parenting a given as a default stance which sounds reasonable yet is likely not safe due to the widespread and hidden abuse issues. I suggested to one GAL about 8 years ago, that likely ALL WOMEN (and sure MEN too, why not) should be screened for Abuse Before having to enter a court dispute or action with the other parent or others trying to take custody from her (or again, for men as well as the situation may merit.) Many abuse victims Do Not Understand they are being mistreated and do not label themselves as abuse victims. Same for children needing a screening Before Legal Actions are put into place, particularly being separated from their Mother or primary caregiver.

Too often men will claim this role in the 11th hour as in weeks or months before filing (often with help from family and friends to play keep-away with their children in terms of not letting the mother see the children even while she is living at home. ) Again too often this can seem strange but not be readily identified as abuse. Yet an abusive father is statistically one of the most dangerous types of men not only for his family and their circle but also for himself. 

If a person has a mental illness such as bipolar or personality disorder, perhaps is a pathological liar and believes their own distortions and lies (or counterfactuals, words and deeds that do not consistent with agreements or what transpires) then that person is not exactly 'accountable' for their words and deeds. If there are drugs (prescriptions ones such as oxycontin or even psyche meds, pot or illegal ones that can affect a person's thinking and behavior) then again the person is not playing with a full deck. Likely no apologies worth any value  will be offered in terms of being followed with 'apologies of actions' (paying for things that should have been covered or for damages or for wages for help with work the person should cover or do themselves, etc). Even if time passes, months or years when all parties could cool down and realize 'life goes on', the person 'in the wrong' likely will Still Not Want to Apologize due to being cast in light of shame or ineptitude, violence or neglect, abuse or bullying, etc. The idea that a person can behave in dangerous or harmful ways will often be 'swept under the rug' by the offender as well as most of their victims with the hopes that 'it will just go away.'

Laws vary widely in terms of what is a criminal offense versus a civil violation such as during a custody or divorce dispute. The tables are turned on a victim predictably often when she makes concerns known or seeks help or tries to move out with her children. The abuser's family and often the legal systems will somehow 'take sides' even though they may not think they are doing so. They Should take the side of protecting a mother and her children. That is an International Law standard to keep children 'safe and together' with their mother, generally the non-offending parent (or one on the defense.) All faith groups--churches, synagogues and such--should CEASE AND DESIST from Not Speaking About Abuse. Likely all women and children should meet separately until they are all better educated as a group about what anyone of them could face due to their gender and age. Men and boys also need to hear about the likelihood of people of their gender being prone to becoming abusive with their power in a variety of ways. Learning about the laws as well as the 'corrupt, inhumane' prison system could also help them to be learn to  WALK AWAY from trouble, take time as in hours and ideally DAYS if not WEEKS (staying with family or friends, etc and being in public with supervision and accountability) if they realize they have crossed boundaries or even if they don't realize they have done so but the family and people in their life indicate there is a problem. 

Maybe 'it's hopeless', and sometimes with caring for young children, working hard to pay bills for a household and transportation, food and basics, no one has time to think about things all by themselves. Too often domestic abuse agencies will give out information piecemeal and try to let victims be their own experts, without painting an updated picture about Child Protective Services or other agencies which could be notified for about a hundred reasons. That can be helpful in some cases, but most often if parents understood the expectations and could be offered help (after school programs, back-up rides for kids to get home or stay without penalty after school, have other supports for bad weather, illness and so on, parents could have more confidence in doing the lion's share of the care.) It isn't anyone's role or job to inform parents, give them an online video or a few of those to make sure they have some coping mechanisms and people they can call for support 24-7 or as need be to line up care, rides and more. Some states are better than others, but with many non-profits getting funds and not educating parents, there are many missed opportunities. IF someone gets hurt or involved with a difficult legal battle as in a divorce or custody divorce.

No One Will Apologize about the matter, the cost, or even the harm or loss of life that may befall family members. No church or school personnel will feel 'it's their place', no family or friends will want to admit or explore where or when things went terribly wrong, even if it was episodic or over a long time. No one wants to relive a tragedy or what Led Up to the Major Breaks in a Victim not seeing her children or if one of them is badly hurt or killed.

That's the worst, not only that it happened but Thinking About it Later. Better to Run and Hide from the Truth, and Hope it doesn't happen again. But if there are systemic problems and downward spiral patterns of dysfunction and confusion about How to Educate or Intervene, How to Provide Help and much more, why Wouldn't there be more damaging cases for an area (towns, states and regions) for people to weather?

Time to light candles of wisdom and knowledge much as The Center for Judicial Excellence aspires to do (yes even about the taboo topic of family court ineptitude and corruption.) Again, domestic abuse agencies cannot criticize the courts directly since they may and have lost their funding for doing so. CT did have a major discussion at the state legislation and maybe there are some improvements, but major downward spirals don't turn around suddenly. 

All girls and women need to learn a lot more about the pleaser-controller dynamics that they are apt to 'walk into blindly.' If women are abusive, often they were victims or are coping with stress and may be defensive due to a partner's erratic living, mishandling of finances or lack of input to care for the home or children (and of course the victim.) There are plenty of needs to address so all adults and youth can be aware of feelings, the choices to delay reacting to someone's words or actions and the option to Walk  Away (as in out of the room or out of the house if not out of town if need be and is safe and appropriate to do so, as an adult particularly.) More to follow in the new year, but hope the ideas catch on widely and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief with some insight as to Why the Apologies one feel are needed and could be helpful (but really would not be any guarantee even if followed up with quite a bit of good apologies of actions.) Intimidating violence of yelling, throwing things, blaming a person for needing or asking for help and much more, maybe for asking for an apology and more is something most folks Never Talk About. Wider circles of caring people could study together and help 'clean up our collective act' and ask leaders (ministers, counselors, attorneys, doctors, etc) to not misuse their power or position by threatening harm to any in their care in their home or work place or in their community 'in the name of doing good or in obeying God."

Threats are not allowing people their inherent free will. There may be consequences such as not having the person live at home or if not too serious, have privileges for computer use or other extras limited or lost for a time. Extra chores or even monetary fines if something is damaged or not returned could be enacted. Knowing what Other People have tried can break the secrecy, shame and isolation that often is part of the misguided matrix of threats and violence or using power over other people

. Arguing in front of children is deemed a form of abuse, as is swearing or mistreating others in front of minors. Often that can trigger a report for family intervention with CPS. A few calls in 1-2 year period, even if unfounded can sometimes cause a child to be placed in foster care. That seemed off the wall, but again if it's true, who wouldn't want to have a warning about that? Practicing being arrested, being compliant and respectful even if there is NO REASON for an arrest is a good game to play along with practicing a fire drill (and actually putting up smoke and radon or MO carbon monoxide detectors at the start of the new year and in the summer (check and replace batteries, as long as we are thinking safety.)

Okay, that's plenty for this one simple post. The insights one gains by thinking together through these things hopefully add up to the value of a sincere, great apology, which by proxy I hereby extend to everyone who feels they really have been wronged and wish more folks would brave an anonymous note or one through the grapevine (like sign with an X if you are sorry for something which could be named (the wrong not the person but wife, mother, sister, etc, and the year of the offense might be okay) on a poster in the community. Likely that would spread like wild fire yet be a cleansing experience.

That's what the Wailing Wall in Israel is about, one where the stones are stuffed with notes and prayers.. and some feel after offering their apologies there that no more need be said and 'all is forgiven'. That theme is part of a many programs online which say we need to forgive ourselves much as we are mostly ready to forgive others..and of course, Jesus prayed that on the cross to set the example and let us know even 2 thousand years later, that 'all can be forgiven' if asked in his name and/or of God even in one's heart. Some say it's helpful or necessary to admit to another conscious, awake person the nature of a wrong and show one is sorry...yet some cannot or will not feel safe doing so. Let's pray for everyone's sake we can all aim toward greater honesty, openness and willingness as it is safe to do so. Peace and light...and forgiveness for one and all... and so it is..