In this modern day of internet, phone and practical HELP such as on 211.org for basic needs, crisis (even Suicide Hotlines and those for Runaways) where's the one for 'Divorcicide, or Committing a Divorce Against an Innocent Party? or even Abusing someone

Okay, so that is a long title about THINGS THAT ARE MISSING AND NOT AVAILABLE to anyone in a practical manner. The United States and many other countries as well as many relgious and spiritual groups are SET UP for people to FOLLOW LAWS (even if they are not taught what those are). They are not taught WHAT IS NOT AVAILABLE, so I thought I'd mention some biggies. WHAT IF someone wanted a Divorce And Thought to See if they were doing so for a Good Reason?

Maybe they aren't married or even living together and want to break up with someone, who could they call? Do they NEED a reason to break up? Basically, no, but in some states the two parties must agree to a legal divorce or I assume a custody plan for their children (and pets) for one to be handled by the courts. I heard that is the case in New York. In CT  and likely many other states, there is NO FAULT divorce, which means either party can file for a divorce to get out of the legal marriage for any reason (including no reason.) In case you have almost no time to read now or think matters through, it is okay to realize you may need a practical Break from a situation that seems to be 'circling the drain' ( a term used in 12-step programs to describe a pattern of dysfunction even if episodic and 'survivable'.

Not everyone get warnings so assessing with online and hotline workers what your safety plans are (and assessing your safety physically, econmically, socially and sexually, as a parent or worker are all important pieces of the puzzle. Yet often there are different funding sources to even look into these various areas, so a victim may be left in the dark if no one does a comprehensive Evaluation voluntarily. If children may be at risk that can be a red flag for taking kids from a mom, so extra care needs to be taken when seeking help. Have friends or others one trusts to do research and build up competent team players. Not to leave children in harm's way but the systems which do not educate or help people have interventions for intimidating people insisting On their Own Way (see David Mandel Safe and Together Programs for revisions being made yet not mandated likely in many systems in all states so plenty of loop holes or systems working at Cross-purposes or not prioritizing safety as Barry Goldstein and Lundy Bancroft recommend.)

That may not be a problem insofar as both parties can agree to work out a game plan that feels reasonable and is submitted with a MOU (Memorandum of Understanding). That can be done with assistance from a trained or untrained mediator, as in a friend, family member, or more clearly neutral third party or a combination of those and some professionals. Attorneys may be consulted early on but not necessarily used in a hurried manner if the two parties are trustworthy.

If people are heading toward a non-consensual divorce (which may be the case due to needing more time to plan for practical concerns such as transitions from housing, childcare routines, school and work factors as well as getting accustomed to the idea, even if it's been mentioned a few times or even hundreds of times but not followed up. The latter would likely be an important criteria for more professionals and the public to be aware of a destabilizing factor and cause for concern.

Trying middle ground such as temporary separations in a home or at a friends (with research as to legally not leaving the home by filing that kind of notice with the court or getting both parties to sign a notarized letter stating such terms with two witnesses and again, checking with attorneys.

If there is not a basic level of trust, that again is likely a red flag that the divorce is not going to go along amicably.) Basically Trying to Write Down the Reasons one or both parties want a change in their relationship status (even if both being celibate to transition from a couple status or test the waters rather than both giving consent to have new relationships or an open relationship if that had not been planned from the start or discussed as an option beforehand.)

It is No One's JOB to help someone who may be unstable or inconsistent mentally or due to using drugs or having a midlife crisis or wanting to have an affair or new relationship (or two or more of those reasons) by thinking things through with them for free (or even a reasonable fee.) Counselors are generally only reflecting back what a person is saying and not probing about reasons. Their job is not to offer advice or guidance in a serious manner.

It's mainly 'how do you feel about that?" If the other person is not there, then topics regarding that person are limited and basically no outreach can be done from any person to the one that's not there (physically or even mentally capable). One can Ask for that person to come to Their Own Counseling session for one or more visits, then that person can speak for themself. Still unless it is an independent or religious type counseling rather than standard medical or therapeutic counseling, then the well will run dry when it comes to any kind of 'intervention' or heads-up.

A consult with an attorney who is also a mediator may provide some insights as to the terrain that awaits someone who insists on their own way (particularly without cause such as taking children away from a protective parent, geneally the mother.) An abusive father by definition has Distorted Thinking. What's wrong seems Right to him. Some may see this in other abusive and controlling people also or those with a mental health condition or drug and alcohol problem (llegal or illegal sustances and amounts).

That's what No One will make clear to the victims or family members and co-workers, that an unbalanced person's problem IS your problem and they are in denial (both victims often and the abuser(s) and their cohorts. It is an entire system Supported, Endorsed and Very Well Funded (millions and billions of dollars worth and many people's livelihoods keeping people in the dark, the rat race and despair and danger mode.) Some of them don't realize the moves they are pulling on the dance floor, while others are well-compensated choreographers of confusion and another c-word that brings in its own windfall. Did you guess the 5-letter grand prize process? CRIME!

And guess what, there's no way to stop the worst abusers (such as molestors and potential killers of biological family members) because the whistle blowing moms who brave reporting crimes (and their kids who tell them, may God Bless them everyone, especially 20 years after the horrendous crime against Jon Benet Ramsey likely by one or more of her parents or remotely possibly someone else) are punished. See the advocates in Washington DC this September 2016 and in years past (and in future years) trying to Give Voice to this monstrosity of a problem.

Yes, the Presidential Vote and Climate Change need our immediate attention, but then this is next on the list though anyone could advocate in their circles and states for creative ways to screen all kids and find help Outside of CPS or Child Protective Services who too often hand a large percent of young children over to abusive families and adopt them out with no follow-up trail.

Okay so back to What we Could Do to STEM THE TIDE OF TRAGIC WRONGDOING.  Number One: Think Twice before Eloping or Getting Married, Moving in or Getting Physically Serious with Someone. See the 1st post on this blog about Check list for Chicks and Guys

. Find friends and family who will help you Think wisely according to those guidelines, with a time line to get to know someone for 6 months and Not let the Sparks fly. They will still be ready to launch if you're both interested in each other six months later. IF that seems like a lifetime, maybe you are too busy to find time for the person to fit into your life plan.

Maybe you are busy with school, work, caring for others and doing unpaid important work (like Blogging and going to groups to learn more about important issues for yourself, health and the world.) So you need Time, Interest and Skills to learn to fairly plan a connection and relationship that is FUNctional on many levels from money and contributions of time, talent and treasure, people care and practical skills.

Likely being over 21 is a good marker of really being able to make some important efforts and decisions. But there's more. Likely 25 is even better, and that could include a couple years of dating (maybe even more than one person after another if life and such merited a change.) Learning to comfort yourself and let go of the one best first plan and person may be a big help to hurdles later in life. That is easier if you haven't actually slept together and kept the focus on friendship and caring about each other with other people around too who act as life coaches informally. That is a lot of what happens in high school and college years, but again ideally not too seriously.

Planning for 5-10 years together with options and 'benchmarks to work toward to see if things are going the way both hoped' would make sense before signing on 'for life'. Life is a long, long time. Maybe some breathers would be wise to build in such as a day or weekend apart montly and a week or two apart yearly. Not to cheat (so maybe have other friends chaperone the person if they really would. Maybe their parents or siblings etc, but again that could be another industry. Unfortunately rehabilitation places often serve as 'short term dating or hook up centers'. They may have guidelines against that but no way to really enforce things.

Each person has to want and work toward honesty in many areas of their life. That's just not easy for a lot of people and if they are using chemicals to keep their boat afloat, they may feel they 'have no choice' but do what they need to for their addiction or compulsion. Well, that's another area to monitor and a quick tip is 'less is more' and none is best, even according to those who are in recovery or working on that. It takes very little as in 'one drink, one time or one try of a drug such as heroin etc' to get some  hooked immediately and maybe most people addicted eventually with gateway drugs like coffee, smoking and drinking 'just beer'.

Those can all result in health imbalances, so delaying even caffeine is in the best interest of teens not just cause that rhymes but learning to pace oneself early in life will prove a huge plus as work and stress piles up. Ideally good sleep and good food would be regular parts of one's life with rare exceptions for late nights and ideally no 'all-nighters' with no sleep. It hurts to even type that since I love and need my sleep. Okay I hope the main message that delaying dating, serious mating and marriage, parenting and so forth is the best way to not have to get a Legal Divorce or even Legal Custody Plan put in place which can trigger Child Support Payments and a host of Court Orders which if not followed can result in 'comtempt charges' and maybe Jail Time.

Mind you, that's not always for Criminals since in Family Court or even Proecttive Services many crimes are put in the rinse cycle to allow for continued contact among biologically related or legally recognized couples, families and so on. There are big drawbacks to that for vulnerable children who have been harmed by parents (again mainly Dads but even some Moms, often who have been or are being abused.)

More information online and in practical programs about how to calm a child down, how to listen to a child and not be reactive, how to learn about emotions and not say 'they made me get angry or act irrationally' but rather bring the riddle or crisis to a capable person (online or on the phone) for gaining insight and making a plan to walk away from trouble and to stay in one's bubble until one is calm enough (likely hours and maybe a few houses away) from another.  Thanks for thinking about these critical issues and practice safety on all levels over time to feel more confident. Happy hunting online for inspiration and with friends to share ideas as they are open and able to doing. Peace and light!