Meditation before Mediation can Help, as can Friends to Jot Ideas Down before and after even private consults with Mediator or other Helper in Conflict of Any Kind, small or large

Couples could benefit from mediation

Many couples divorcing would benefit from a thorough explanation of the savings and benefits of using mediation. This is not done in a consistent manner, and too often adverserial attorneys end up pitting their clients against each other.

Often 'no contact' orders are put in place, and rather than allow advocates or friends seek information and explore options from www.nolo.com on Building a Parenting Plan that works and other helpful books such as CT Friendly Divorce Guidebook, the divorcing spouses run high debt and rushed agreements, often missing important aspects of the care they each deserve.

Children of a divorce fair far worse when adversity is the name of the game. Even when using Family Services voluntarily, no assurances that each parent has equal time with all of the children for a variety of reasons.

Trying to use the courts to iron out family problems rather than counseling (in separate sessions if desired by either parent to come up with some fair-playing rules) is another common missed opportunity.

There are only a few hundred mediators in Connecticut and most specialize in one aspect for business, family, finance matters, etc.

Ideally if more individuals can train with a small investment or even on their own, mediation centers could be established in every county as is the case in N.Y.

While people may need to voluntarily live in separate rooms of a home before divorcing, neither party should be able to force the other out if there is no crime committed. That is often tweaked by an attorney threatening the other party with high legal fees to defend their competency as a parent.

Many will have their clients make allegations for the innocent party to then become fearful and necessarily defensive. The high cost of retaining an attorney, often about three thousand dollars, can scare a person with common sense into 'just giving in.'

Many women in particular are forced by abusive spouses to either give up assets unfairly, assume all the marital debt (which may need to be proven with credit card statements of purchases to be divisible, so save all statements for years).

The list of crazy-making tactics 'good attorneys' will employ are endless. Strangely, the domestic abuse agencies do not inform women of the traps set by the attorneys.

They do not promote mediation, even though www.dutchessmediation.org has devised a helpful system to screen for abuse and try to allow women the option if necessary. It is okay to be from Connecticut. Some towns in Connecticut have mediation practices, but few will work with clients of abuse.

Basically, the public is not aware of the abuse dynamics women face at every turn, from their own 'friends and family' who often blame the victim, criticize her for having children, and for not working enough, not leaving soon enough, and not being able to figure out her own long term solutions.

The legal systems and agencies designed to address the issues, often fall short and in the end 'no one is accountable' for helping her get safe and keeping her children safe. Googling "mothers custody conference" exposes the hole in the system wherein many abusers, about 70 percent, who go for primary physical custody obtain it. The players that fail are numerous and often include judges as a short video on that site illustrates.

About 60K mothers have lost custody to abusive fathers of their children. Many also lose contact or have to have supervised visitation.

Some have to pay for those visits, and many years can be tied up in the fight, with months turning into years of a mother not seeing her children or having to accept the harm the abuser does to the children out of sheer exhaustion, financial devastation due to court fees, or out of fear of retaliation for not complying with court orders.

The right to discuss specific divorce concerns is often severed by final divorce 'agreements' (which often are done with much behind the scenes coercion).

There is a huge lack of judicial overview. The request for an abuser to have an evaluation for abuse, drug use, or mental health issues is impossible to obtain without clear violations which involve criminal arrests. Even then, a mental health evaluation will not be covered by insurance companies if linked to a custody matter (or even the divorce perhaps). That would then need to be paid for to the tune of 5-15K dollars. There seem no clear criteria for what that would involve, and the links between mental health providers and the courts are practically non-existent.

No flow chart of things to check for the safety and well-being of the children are in place, and someone who has been a wonderful parent can lose practical access to their children overnight, being forced to leave a home 'without prejudice' or being arrested for yelling one does not want to be abused.

While this may sound bewildering, that is the nature of many 'domestic disputes' and legal matters involving family members. The legacy of 'leaving personal matters to be handled privately' takes precedence to finding out if someone is being abused and intervening to keep people safe.

The great majority of the time, as DCF describes in a video on www.endingviolence.com andwww.lundybancroft.com asserts across the nation, mothers need to be kept 'safe and together' with their children.

The abusers do have more money and ways to provide for the children in many cases, but the bottom line needs to be physical and emotional safety. The crazy-making and tyranny of men and fathers in their homes if they are abusive needs to be better understood by schools, hospitals, government agencies and faith groups.

The problem is epidemic and devastating in many realms. Rural communities where transportation and jobs as well as childcare is often limited present unique problems. At some point citizen advocacy groups need to collaborate to address these concerns.

It's time to clarify how all parents and people who care about children really can protect them whether in their homes, at school, at work or about town. We need to take the mystery and the stigma out of the equation because that only serves the abusers and the many attorneys who benefit from their unhealthy control and intimidation dynamics.

Let's plant the seed for peace in our homes and peace on earth and good will toward all, great and small.

Catherine Palmer Paton

Sharon CT (from April 2010, Register Citizen Paper in Torrington CT)