When Someone Dies Unexpectedly, it's a good time to take a walk, pray and connect and rest and reflect over the days and trust
Due to HIPPA sometimes the name of a person who died cannot be shared publicly until certain criteria are met. Still everyone can hold the person 'whoever that may be' in a positive light especially in the first few days of transition (called Threshold work in some communities) to help with the soul's journey to the next realm. If someone dies without anyone knowing for a day or more, family, friends and others who know them may feel there's something more they could have done...and quite likely given the times in which we live, it makes sense for everyone to 'be more accountable' with how they're living, driving and checking in with others briefly and on the regular (daily sounds about right...)
It's not easy to accept an unexpected loss (or even one that one sees coming.) There are some programs that can help communities build up resources of care and support such as from David Kessler and many faith traditions. May the woman who passed be at peace and all who knew her also find ways to do some extra kindness in her memory.
I share the following for those who may be interested and as ways to reflect on how we can support those we know and others as well. "Treat others the way you'd like to be treated" and aim to live with ways to respond to life's ups and downs with care and mindfulness rather than reactions and alone.
It can take a while, movies, songs, stories and talks to think things through so it's okay to be in limbo or have questions...and trust that in time more will become comprehensible, and sadness may lead to finding new friends and supports or reframing life situations over time to be anchors and allow more light in for healing on many levels.
About 24 years ago, after my Mom fell a few times, I decided to call my Mom daily for many years for a quick check in...and other family were close by (plus one lived with her...) so we had the bases mostly covered.
I was able to stay with her for a while with one of my children and was paid by terms set by other family members. Everyone could learn more from ctseniorlaw.com to have some common understanding of what may be involved for anyone needing care short-term and particularly longer if they have ongoing needs and as they age.
Still eventually my mom had a live in for a few months and then agreed to be at a nursing home and died a few months later from an ongoing condition but wasn't in much pain for long.
With a large family and being in the northwest corner of CT for decades, a member of a nice church and a hairdresser for 50 years ("Have scissors, will travel"--and boy did she help a lot of folks who were homebound and do a lot right from the front room of her homes (in Salisbury by the blinking light for decades and then in Falls Village.)
Many attended her funeral and reception in Canaan at the Catholic Church. She had gone to many others for years and is still remembered by plenty of folks as much of the family has stayed in the area.
There are many programs online and some support and teaching groups to help people become 'end of life doulas' or grief counselors or MIDEOHealth advocates to help people understand the basic ways to address such issues to plan for oneself and others in their circles or even the wider community. Still it helps to know who is available and reasonable steps to take over time in terms of helping others or lining up that or something for oneself.
If someone has an immediate sudden need or accident, rescue help may be needed. We lived through that with the difficult untimely passing of our teen son Kaelan in the early summer of 2009, 13 years ago.
He would have been 30 years old this year. It's comforting to know many from his generation are doing well and some have families of their own. Life goes on and it's worth remembering all who have comprised the community especially with helpful contributions and particularly with heroic efforts of service and good work ethics and caring.
With technology and practical texting, calls and visits everyone could let someone know how they're doing daily, weekends or on trips and such.
I share a lot of ideas on my blog livfully.org and the more people thinking along the lines of 'prevention' can help keep these kinds of 'delayed responses' to someone in need of help with they are unable to get up, get hurt or seriously injured or die.
There are more legal or medical standards and such that make it more necessary than more realize to have designated caregivers to help people remain independent or have support at home. In some states if someone falls, they are taken to a facility and not released until someone agrees to take care of the person (Maybe that's Delaware, but not sure.)
The more people can monitor one another in a friendly, sensible way, the less likely anyone would be pushing limits with driving or doing questionable safe things (using power equipment, moving heavy furniture, and who knows what...) as they are aging or getting confused or having symptoms such as related to a UTI or tick bite or other malady and not necessarily able or willing to ask for help.
Sometimes police will respond to an allegation and caregivers will be put in a difficult spot and even have more allegations from others or have to go to court, sometimes with the one they are caring for and a POA or other party pressing for charges or a protective or restraining order when there are no grounds to do so.
The drama and 'pressure cooker' kind of needs for caring for someone can almost cause the one in need of care to become confused or paranoid or their condition of paranoia can come and go over time.
Others who know and care about them may try to help them 'look normal and reasonable' even when things are not cause for alarm. Taking such cases to a court of law or involving police (another system with its own standards which courts are not aware or or may not understand how to address) makes things that much more complicated.
Even mature, capable caregivers, paid or volunteer or generous who have loaned other caregivers or the client funds can be mistreated severely emotionally, financially, legally and socially. Independent agencies may run into problems with getting payment for services (even with agreements in writing and with POA certifications and terms on file.)
Going to small claims court may be needed to secure payment, but again unless people understand the need and process, there is not a lot of legal advice readily available to pursue things in a timely manner.
All care plans need generally to be in writing to cover daily hours and payment, duties and journals. These are basics that could be taught in school since there are many more older people than there are younger people in the US to care for them. If people have mental health or chemical dependencies (or both) there can be many more layers of difficulty. Of course if there are patterns of coercive control and abuse in close social circles or in a household (or even among neighbors and social groups) the problems can multiply.
This overview is not shared to depress or overwhelm people but rather to create a basic map and encourage more people to realize stressful situations benefit from a team of skilled and caring people working together to address mat'ters in compassionate, practical ways over many weeks and months.
Transitions for the person(s) in need of care could be described regarding local resources and online ones as well (such as care.com which are independent people so important to practice safety and meet in public places and have support etc. to establish sensible, clear boundaries. People should have back up help and respite care as well to prevent burn-out and keep more options open for all parties.
Downsizing, moving, putting things in storage (even in one's home but packed in plastic tubs and in plastic bags to be as waterproof and protected as possible especially if in a garage etc.) would be helpful to have more support with as well. Each person may need some strategizing and a timeline with team members all working for short periods of time and supportive attitudes to avoid overwhelm or negative reinforcement, derision or added difficulty.
Knowing the rights each person has but also being aware 'there are ways some people address matters that can land a person out of the home they own outright and in a An independent review group could be formed for more people in each state and area of a state (quadrant and even 'quadrant within each of those if it's a populated or large area) or have zoom help to review matters in a timely manner so more people can help advocate for a person and also help them understand what seems to be reasonable options.
