When a Protective Mom Was Arrested When Having A Seizure in PA and Other Concerns for All to Learn About

While we have more advocacy to help prevent drug use and abuse (often one leads to the other by the way...), the family custody court crimes and conflicts generally fall short of the radar. That said, more grassroots and non-profits are working hard to bring serious concerns to light. See more on CA Protective Parents Association site. 

These issues are a shared concern (see  the former US House Resolution 72 which set a national guideline to give victims, generally the moms, of abuse initial custody of children without needing to have proof of the abuse.

Every state would have to align their practices with that goal based on current research over the last decade that in the majority of cases, 'courts were getting it wrong' and punishing protective mothers when they would indicate they or their children (or both, and even pets) were being threatened or harmed. Attorney Joan Meyers led research on 10K cases over a decade around the country.

The Safe and Together Institute has been working hard to help social services, including CPS (Child Protective Services), not blame mothers for abuse by the fathers of children or failing to leave (and being labelled failure to protect, often in difficult and dangerous terrain whatever she did.) The more the public can comprehend the 'public health concern' of such matters and the brokenness of many aspects of the systems that are in line to address such issues, the more transforming the systems into a positive, effective intervention and protective capacity can happen.

 Meanwhile other groups such as NPO, National Parents Organization, is seeking 'default shared parenting' which sounds 'fair' but too often dismisses coercive control tactics and other dangerous patterns, leaving the abusers in charge of calling the shots. 

Sadly with the loss of a family of five in Sheffield MA last year, the reality that 'even with community support and small towns that are giving and caring' trouble can be brewing and danger can unfold without much clear warning and to some very competent, capable people.

 Berkshire County  in MA is encouraging more of the public to read a book and get educated on many levels about respect, safety, services and ways to protect people who may be in danger. Litchfield County in CT and Dutchess County in NY should also join in such widespread educational efforts.

 The existing organizations that discuss domestic abuse are primarily geared to assisting victims not trying to enlighten abusers about current laws, patterns of control and downward spirals and even the consequences of choosing to run a relationship or family system according to one's greater sense of unhealthy power and control over others.

 In about 25% of cases, there may be a drug and/or alcohol problem and another 25% may have a mental illness or condition (some with the dual diagnosis of mental illness and drug abuse), so that complicates things yet also could prove important to inform more people in the area of mental illness and in 12-step programs about abuse that is separate from a chemical addiction.

https://omny.fm/shows/kywam-on-demand/woman-arrested-held-in-contempt-of... is part of the link that covers a recent situation in a court of law in Pennsylvannia. The  potential difficult issues facing any mother should she enter a custody conflict are covered over many years at weekend annual conferences of experts called BatteredMothersCustodyConference.org.

While the issues are linked to victims of abuse being female and youth of both genders, the societal systems from law to religion, education to military and workplaces, need to get ahead of the damage and danger curve. It's a necessity not a luxury to learn more about the entrenched patterns of male domination and patriarchy in our modern world...where too many unfair practices took root and were never addressed until the numbers of people primarly thousands of women being killed over many decades (about 1500 a year by the male they were involved with) came to light and were the basis of victims suing police and spurring the Violence Against Women Act (which seeks to prevent harm) federally.

There are thousands of small domestic abuse centers in each state but they are limited in many ways in who they reach and what they can say to victims. Victims and their children meanwhile need to know a great deal and understand the legal system and other avenues of seeking protection.

When many of those are a 'bridge to nowhere' the victims can feel more hopeless and despairing than they understood was possible in a modern nation such as the United State. For a tragic reminder of the harm, see Kayden's Korner which is in memory of a young girl whose biological father took her life along with his own when her mother had been seeking to have supervised visitation but was not being granted that by the courts even though the father had a history of violence.

Father's Rights groups and programs to include fathers in their children's lives have deep funding, to the tune of 500 million annually, so the people who are employed in this area basically have been bankrolled for decades to prioritize a father's right to access to his children, much like the laws of the olden days which deemed them along with their mother his property. Inroads are being made by many advocates including court watch reporters, protective mothers and their children and many others legal scholars and attorneys who have fought a veritable civil war in our country without help from the press or much modern media even online.

There are some films now indicating the history and current travesty many modern mothers may face to at least help them understand they are not 'making up a problem where there is none' or that they are an exception. Some states and courts are worse than others and most need major improvements.

I have been interested in considering what all parents and adults as well as youth can do voluntarily to 'read the signals' of difficulty (whether a mental health, behavioral, social or economic,logistic,relationship, religious or legal problem) in advance and get a team of support to help each person feel validated and cared for early on. With a major drug and alcohol problem in most modern countries and even the poorer ones, that alone merits much attention.

But it's not all about the substances or even a mental health challenge. There are many things to learn about an abusive mindset and one prone to act out their aggression and sense of control over others (one or more...and let's face it there are many levels of victims whether they are the primary target or secondary.

Practically everyone around an abusive person is a victim on some level, whether they know it or acknowledge it or not. Considering that coping is an important skill and even young children may find ways to deny what they witness or to forgive an abuser because their livelihood if not their very life depends on compliance.

Not a very cheerful picture. On a certain level there is a huge 'act of faith' in living with people and in community since the help ideally will outweigh deficits and dangers, even accidental ones. That's where 'the rubber meets the road' and driving is a snapshot of whose feeling they have the right to prioritize their wants over others wants or needs.

Too often it seems a man or even a woman is thinking of 'their car' not the 'shared road and driving experience.' For some people they don't allow others in their car or any input as to how a person is driving even if there is a valid concern. Children raised with the reality of being 'passengers' in life as well as in a car, with little to no say in how their life goes can feel they are responsible for the actions of the adults around them or even other things that happen.

To the extent they blame themselves, they may feel there would be a way to effect change by doing something differently which may include 'getting out of dodge, cutting ties or blaming others.' Lots happens unconsciously and may be a repetition of family or early social experiences. So there's always plenty to ponder and a reason to pause before reacting with anger or other emotions if witnessing something or being blamed by someone (for speaking up, sharing an idea or doing something that violates their sense of what is permissible in or near them or their space even if it's not illegal or hurtful.

There are reasons or conditions likely beyond the distraught person's understanding coming into play. Ideally de-escalating a situation by not offering ideas or solutions but rather allowing the person to express their concern (ideally at a safe distance, not in a speeding car etc, or even better over the phone or in a letter or email, etc.)

Taking time to check in on a point matching the level of their concern for the most part may help them 'land the plane of complaint' with some support. A person needs to be sincere and there's no guarantee a host of other concerns won't emerge once an upset if not abusive person is insisting on being heard (and obeyed which indicates a demand, not a request with a rest to allow a person to respond with an answer or even a denial for participating in something or a delay of doing so or getting more input from others for each person to clarify what is going on and what are reasonable options and ways to get 'needs or requests' met.)

That is rather vague but for now, consider that may be the basic formula underlying many conflicts whether they come up out of the blue or are persistent over time. Some people may want to blame a victim for having problems with one or more people rather than identify ways one or more people may be crossing ethical, social and even legal boundaries. No one wants to play policeman or referee.

That's 'no one's job'. Moreover 'personal matters' should be left to the people involved, many say. But those days are basically history, with many states having laws to intervene not only with adults but in family or other systems (with elderly or disabled for instance) if there are concerns of neglect or abuse or other deficiencies.

Even poverty or inadequate housing  or concerns about medical choices and so on could lead one or more people to having interventions and possibly being separated from their family or social supports. Teams of people who are aware of how various systems intersect for 'normal functioning safe people and social groups such as families' could offer much insight to the general public.

Things need to be spelled out more clearly so that when people do have problems they are familiar with the systems and potential paths their lives could take. In addition unfortunately allowing people to have full say in how they care for minors may result in gross negligence of sensible guidelines which could be established for people to follow voluntarily.

I cover more of that on an early post on this blog, Crafting Clear Safety PLANS (People Living, Learning and Loving with Agreements, Networking through Schools and Society and Socializing.) There is also  a Checklist of Chicks and Guys that may be helpful for more people to fine tune for their states and social groups.

 Much of it would seem 'like common sense' but most people are becoming aware that adults are responsible for minors in their family or care circles. Schools, faith groups and civic groups are adding on more regulations to prevent abuse and endangering youth.

Many first responders are volunteers or even if paid are not eager to have to be put in greater danger by people taking undue risks, speeding or driving under the influence etc. We can shore up many areas of our society by promoting safer healthier ways to enjoy each age and stage of life with a team of caring people who could help light the way and even lighten the load of responsibility that can often add more stress and strain.

Perhaps many women are using drugs because they are victims of domestic abuse (from current or prior life relationships or family or social systems) and many men using substances may be abusers (as well as victims, perhaps of other males or possibly females with a history of being victims.)

 It's not always the case that it's males abusing females, and with parenting, the power differential between adults and children is magnified and may result in mothers or other females taking out aggression on children, whether the adults are victims or abusers (or both.) 

These are not the most pleasant of topics, but the fight for decency and justice, as well as providing much needed education in all sectors of society are the kinds of healing our society needs every season of the year and at each stage of life. 

Thanks to all pitching in as they can to listen to others, figure out this difficult 'under the radar' set of patterns and episodes of violence. Unfortunately there is no guarantee that frequent education and help will provide enough protection to those in relationships, families or other social settings where abuse may be taking place in obvious or not so obvious ways. 

To consider that our society has not figured out meaningful ways to 'put parameters in place' to prevent harm. For a short time or longer more people could mainly having women watch and transport children and interact with other women when going for drives or outings (which could happen more with planning for more people feeling that would be helpful), and men going in small groups of men if there is any concern of a man being unstable, erratic, abusive or otherwise prone to being controlling, endangering others and so forth with risky driving or verbal abuse  or control over others.

Let's share the load at home and on the road. We can make headway from the days of the start of the Domestic Violence Movement to clarify that a person deserves to be safe in every setting, whether in someone else's home or their own, in a car or in public. Learning basics like walking away, taking time to calm oneself down, talk to a friend or find online support (perhaps on youtube with a TED Talk or at helpful websites could be part of what children and adults learn through public education campaigns (even on line) as well as in school or other group settings.

Not everything has to be super serious, and with the modern opportunities it seems we'd have just about everything figured out. However people want to make their own choices which is certainly a great value and aspect of our culture. Respecting others and 'staying in one's bubble to stay out of trouble' is something the National Football League and more athletes likely are reminding everybuddy about through their talents and even their terrible poor choices and actions. More of our culture is tuning into the #MeToo movement. The BatteredMothersCustodyConference.org addressed those concerns as well in last year's conference. Unfortunately there's always more needing doing but with more people joining forces, possibly with the POTUS 2020 election looming these issues could also be discussed in meaningful ways for all youn people and women as well as men.

Let's see how we can all fine tune our efforts to promote more peace and even healing of past crimes and abuse (energetically seeking forgiveness not putting anyone in danger again particularly without support and guidance and assurance that all parties are capable and trustworthy even of verbal interactions, which are rather high levels of social interaction.) While people learn a great deal from crime shows, they are not up to date with the civil court array of practices in custody court or divorce court.

Seeing Nolo.com which has a book Building A Parenting Agrement That Works could be a guide for most schools and towns and cities to encourage parents and others to write down details about how a child or minor (or even young adult) is cared for in terms of where they live, who watches them, their school and programs, contact info for both parents and other caregivers, any safety concerns (including protective or restraining orders or even requests, any firearms or history of violence and so on.)

That is not to be unforgiving but rather to be better informed. Monitoring youth, even teens and young adults if possible, during times of change in the school year with responsible adults and plans, holding all accountable for where they are going and who they are with (and not driving off with people who are not approved of by a reasonable parent, not with people who have drinking or drug issues, who are young or reckless etc which most states are aspiring to set legal guidelines about as well.)

There's plenty more on this blog about driving safety and seeking 'the high road' (a natural high that is in terms of living with thanks, respect and a team of support for pursuing the greater good and living life fully...and safely to see the light of day.) Best to all and tune into the latest from Jarrad Hewett as in previous posts. He does do some chanting and such in the guided meditation he offers, but he explains his insights initially. Perhaps have someone else listen to the meditation if it is a concern in any way. Here's to progress for all of us which may look a lot like slowing down and smelling the roses.