Waking Up to the World that Needs A Little Shaking Up (to Catch Up with New Laws and Realities)

The world is waking up and shaking up...on many levels. What we do not understand merits more deeper consideration than the media or any other part of society allows people to ponder.

Much of what I explore on livfully.org is to tune into the experience of learning about our society..however we label it..
"The Good, The Bad, The Ugly...The Hard Lessons of the Underbelly or Shadow Side of Being Human...along and together on our one small planet"

The questions can be endless but we need to Begin to Ask them and Document the responses to get a clearer picture of our collective experiences..not just 'made in the USA' but informed by the vast array of humanity's experiences and that of other living beings on the planet...even the plants and natural resources..

We're all really in this realm of existence Together. Once we tune into the higher likelihood of 'what goes around comes around, that thoughts, words and actions have a ripple effect of consequences and that it is okay and reasonable to care about one another..'like a nice healthy extended family' (and even factor in the plants, animals, earth, air, water and other energetic beings from other realms and parts of the galaxy...) then we've got Lots to Ponder.

Still the everyday human struggles and power plays, illness and accidents, are an effective 'freeze frame' and slice of life like a play that's only unfolding once though can be reflected on like a mystery novel to consider over time.

Reading through the NY Post recently captured the strange difficult turn of events of a woman being 'sucked out the window of an airplane' due to a fan blade falling off due to metal fatigue.

People are not the only ones being asked to push their limits (and I did hear those metal parts were supposed to be tested in the prior year as a recommendation.)

Many people will likely think twice about sitting near a window..(and I heard of another fellow in another story online or on TV about a man leaning against a window and it shattering..not a common occurrence but the idea of being on a ledge or having a photo op in a dangerous place to capture the view is likely done far too often with a big risk.

Author Sharon Charde wrote about her son passing from such a fall (not sure of the exact details) in a foreign country.

The care and help others gain from knowing she used her talent and love to 'cross the gap' from her personal loss to a wider audience is one that paved the way for me to share more about personal and even public challenges.

Same with many people I have met over the years, some in person and others through the sharing of their life challenges from a stage or an article, poem, book, movie or other medium such as in interview.

The brother of the Unibomber turning the disturbed man in is another level of heroism and depiction of bravery. How can people ask for help and get it in a timely manner.

Unfortunately the news of the "killer nanny Yolanda" in Manhattan NY from over December 2017 depicts someone who may have had mental health challenges and did not think to 'get help' or tell someone of her fixation on wanting to harm the children she was caring for.

The Krim parents have proven to be incredibly brave to whether such a loss of two of their three children and set a huge signal for all working with or caring for children and others to not be isolated if they are under stress or having 'stinking thinking' moments or patterns of harming themselves or others.

Having a basic plan to have visitors checking on people at home or going to playgroups, library and other public programs if not other classes (perhaps with support from another caregiver or a third party who can provide some assistance with logistics and offer respite or occasional 'preventive measure' care so each person does not feel alone in their duties or can have support if feeling down or tired (more than usual or even if practicing for such a time of needing help.)

More 'automatic, free' networking and check-ins by phone, Skype (video), taking photos of youth and caregivers during the day for a family could be helpful to monitor stress and capability levels.

More exposure about the systems that 'could respond but often are not well managed' or functioning was also shared in the NY Post. For instance a huge problem of NYC having human trafficking of youth (even as young at 12 and likely younger) was being targeted by having a hotline number to call.

But it wasn't working and is only answered during business hours. More women and children, minorities and nice guys all need to understand the practical limitations of response systems to being able to protect or intervene someone in need.

There often are 'no easy answers', a backlog of cases (such that over a hundred rape kits were not being analyzed in any timely manner in NYC) no matter which state or system one is depending on. When it comes to divorce, custody and other conflict issues, often things can get much worse and costly before they ever get 'resolved' or better. See more on BMCC in Albany site where a national conference will be held in early May 2018.

These people are the heroes, warriors and modern day advocates for the most vulnerable in our society, yet few media will cover their critical information. That is a baffling part of the problem as well, to see how complicit many parts of society are in the crimes that are being committed in homes and social service and justice systems across the land. And of course much of it plays out in school communities 'just under the radar'.

The 'positive' result of some of the enhanced school safety will be to break down the barriers that have been blind to domestic abuse in the name of 'focusing on education.' Too often children are battling a veritable underground war with limited information and few resources to reach out to or even escape to.

A smart adult victim, generally a mother being intimidated and controlled, will find her children 'understanding friends' who will at least have the children over or take them places if she cannot also be at their houses with them.

Generally friends will not be allowed to visit when the controller is home (and smart parents would not want to encourage that or even letting the questionable abuser of alcohol or drugs or power and control drive or watch Their Children.) Domestic Violence is a Public Safety Matter, not only a Personal Matter.

The victim(s) Do Not Cause or Control the Abuse..the Victim(s) are at the person's Mercy or Whim. It is not an ongoing choice to 'stay in an abusive situation with an open door and new opportunities' waiting for them only a few steps away.

It is like being asked to abandon one's children knowing they could in danger or never be allowed to see you again. What kind of Choice is That?! That is exactly what Every Person, especially a woman or Mother, faces by virtue of Being in a Relationship that Can Change at Any Minute...whether she knows it or not, can believe it or not, would care or not...

Maybe some new technology (such as in the books by Gavin de Becker called Gift of Fear and one like that for Teens) could help More People from schools, faith groups, and society in general begin the journey of a thousand steps and 'Oh I didn't realize that' lessons to help one another turn the ship of denial, confusion, fear and crime around.

Attorneys, judges and counselors, ministers and others are not supposed to be Complicit With An Ongoing Crime, allowing the abuse to continue against adult victims and certainly not against minors, but that happens almost All the Time!

Mainly 'it's too yucky to have to think about, too much paperwork to fill out or keep an accurate paper trail, too hard to keep up with the latest and more Excuses.' That's why New People, especially younger people under 40 are needed to try to comprehend what's really been going on just under the radar but often ending up in the headlines and resulting in abuse victims losing their children if not their lives (and sometimes their children's lives as well and even the abuser's life if he turns a gun on himself.)

That kind of miserable situation happened recently in CT and NY and NC, strangely connecting these parts of the country with a strange tale of a biological father meeting his estranged daughter who had sought him out at age 18 since she'd been adopted.

The man divorced his wife and married his daughter and fathered a child with her. What a strange sentence to have to depict the gist of what the poor biological and adoptive mother lived through.

The adoptive father fared worse in that the biological father killed his infant son, his biological daughter and 'legal wife' (though they were being pursued for incest charges which is part of what factored into the chaos and killing.

Likely this Kind of Thing has happened and will continue to happen 'just under the radar and often with the courts Making it More Likely by giving fathers who sexually abuse their children, both males and females, sole custody, particularly if the biological mothers raise concerns.

THAT'S What the Battered Mothers Custody Conference has been tracking via court watchers and advocates who understand the legal loopholes and misguided if not corrupt policies and personnel doing business as usual in 'the land of the free and home of the brave'.

Nothing could be further from the truth for women and children and it's unfortunately the mantra of the abusers who get away with ...murder or worse.

That's got to stop and sadly a case like this 'twisted tale involving an adult daughter seeking connection with her biological parents and having it go very far off track is the kind of thing that gets our American attention..and makes more people tune into something that was tragic but had an ending.

Likely they will be forgotten next week or so and the connection to what's been happening to almost 60,000 Mothers in America every year for decades (about 5%of those with children going through custody battles if my basic math is right from sources such as books edited by Barry Goldstein and Mo Hannah at the www.civicresearchinstitute.org and others at the BMCC annual conference.)

The insights and prayers, friendships or lessons from the tragedies and conference revelations can be used to create better boundaries and protocol are an ongoing endeavor for those who may tune in and choose to accept that meaningful mission....

That's a mission I've been on for a few decades now, particularly since learning of the confusing modern national legacy we all inherit from on high in the realm of the laws about marriage, parenting, divorce, custody, abuse and all that Optional 'buy-in- jazz.

Likely people should wait about 5 -10 years before getting legally married until they are sure they want to spend at least 20 years together..or the rest of their lives.

Likely another 'buddy system' which would give everyone the perks of tax savings, and other contract guarantees to two people helping one another Without Any Worries about For How Long (likely 1-5 years at a time would be plenty and could be renewed or not, like car insurance or another Business Transaction.)

The nature of the social or physical relationship could be kept separate. Incest laws could still be in place for legally not allowing physical relations between two people who would be prone to having a baby with deformities or even if ideologically the case could be made to prevent that among siblings or parents and other close relatives as practically and largely socially defined.

Apparently about 25,000 first cousin couples exist (whether their state allows for such partnerships to be legal or not, and I'm not sure about the risk of biological developmental problems but likely those could be high too.) Having some form of a 'business relationship' would allow any two people to help one another and get some kind of tax break (or other benefit now only for legally married or those with common law status and benefits.)

A Separate social or faith decree could be given to people wanting the designation of spouses or other committed partners and that could be only as social friends or if desired, clarify the monogamous or sexual terms of involvement. The CDC, Center of Disease Control, reports that only one out of three 'so called monogamous' relationships really are that way.

Either one or both parties are with one or more other people, whether people are open or secretive about that. Other important points to clarify for both parties would be how much physical involvement they would expect (and the nature of such) during any given month or year of being a partner, and how that may change if someone is pregnant or ill or otherwise having life changes (working or living apart and so on whether short-term or longer.)

Again perhaps a yearly review and fine tuning could be done with both parties having a month or so to decide what they will agree to for the next period of time such as 6 months to a year would make sense.

Ample help and suggestions online could assist people with these important matters. Expecting everyone to figure things out without much information about choice, abuse, healthy boundaries and self-care, ways to communicate questions and concerns (and see online resources and videos if some people do not read well etc) and possibly have free phone support to work through matters that typically pertain to people of a certain age, gender, living situation, income level, faith, culture and much more would help people out of struggle and confusion mode.

The end result may be helping more people feel supported and capable wherever they are in their life journey and whatever changes may come up for one or more members of a family.

Basically a 'moratorium' on all legal relationships for a few months could be offered to allow people a safe window to assess their current situation, their past history and their future hopes for their own health and well-being, resources and that of their partner, and other family members

It is not easy to look at one's life 'under a microscope' but it is easier than going to court due to a divorce or in a mental health clinic or doctor's office due to 'undiagnosed but concerning stressors or symptoms'.

People are like plants and need to be safely potted for their roots to deepen and their branches to grow. Likely many women would have felt abused in the past even if they didn't realize there was a name for being worried, confused, controlled, intimidated, afraid, giving in and maybe even physically pushed, hit or unsafe in their home, in their bed, riding in a car or otherwise.

Not easy stuff to tune into but again in the name of giving people, especially a fair chance to figure out their own scene and that of their children and even become more aware of what to know about the abuser(s) in their lives and systems, it's about time.

Now's as good a time as any to get real and deal with 'life on better terms' than what's been offered to people in the past. That can all be part of the anti-violence revolution and offer a great step toward helping everybuddy be part of the healing safer solution.

Of course, sadly 'leaving can be a dangerous time' so any change, even the suggested moratorium (for an hour or a day for starters and maybe weekly before going a whole month etc) on any relationship or routine to 'check under the hood and understand the mechanics and dynamics of one's life and the systems that rule us'.)

Okay hopefully some of this resonates and can be factored into the New Good World of Wisdom with Women and Children and Good Guys and all other Genders Leading the Way..and leaving the Abusing Losers Alone long enough so they can do their own healing work with the right help (which some say may be impossible to find for complete deep guaranteed healing but with lots of ongoing monitoring or maybe coaching by good friends who they want to impress and so on or people who help them sober up from drugs and control they can 'keep it on the road' and do less and ideally no harm.

As for making up for the past or really Changing their Reality to Be honest, open and willing, that may be too much to hope for or expect as really possible for the others in their circle, so they may need more help in 'accepting improvements or peaceful separation and supervised visits in public or with others present' and knowing they have to monitor their own turf and game, not pushing limits for personal interaction whether talking, being in the same room, shaking hands or hugging and so on even if years go by of mostly 'okay behavior'.

In this modern age, any physical interaction that involves touching (sitting next to someone, hugging even in a greeting etc., a kiss on the cheek or other friendly interaction) can be deemed a violation of someone's personal space, or impinge on their cultural, religious or other social boundary.

As nice as anyone is, Permission is Critical..and not easy to maintain if one naturally feels or has become 'a hugger' or caregiver for one or more people (such as parents caring for children and so on.)

Touching or holding another's child should only be done if given specific permission..and asking is always good.

Safe church policies are online and can be used throughout society. Generally they involve giving everyone 'personal space' and not having children sit on one's lap (other than their own young children.)

None of this kind of 'splitting of hairs' about people not talking privately (such as not behind closed doors even with a minister alone, but generally with another present or with an open door or one with a glass panel in place. Phone and email can be used for a lot as can a notebook for each person in a home to have a place to record messages, ask for chores or help with something in a timely manner (within a day or week as may make sense.)

Bills to be paid, money loaned or paid back could all be documented. Basic housekeeping rules can be shared on a poster with everyone chiming in as they think of something.

Even a housekeeping chart to keep up with dishes, cooking, cleaning one room or another, shopping (yes with a grocery list and with some basic menu planning) can all help keep the peace and basic needs met.

Taking out the trash, checking that homework or other important bills are paid in a timely manner and maintaining insurances for health, car and other appointments for medical and dental check ups can help everyone appreciate how much needs to be done just to keep life going smoothly.

Then if others can be enlisted to help one another, such as with laundry, shopping, deeper cleaning and organizing, sorting and letting things go now and then, maybe even planting a small garden with friends, the experience of team work can be factored into options for getting things done.

People having part of a day for downtime to rest and maybe have more personal time for talking on the phone, taking a walk or doing other things can be helpful as well to have balance. Weekly a larger part of day can help one or more people get back on track.

Even if people speak with others outside of the household to review how the basics are going and get insights to solve simple matters or see things in a different light, more flow can be created.

Ideally everyone pitching in on a number of areas but not getting overwhelmed can make for a more functioning household. If one person 'controls the money and lays down the house rules' that is not likely going to feel comfortable or fair to the others.

Being aware of budgets, bills, spending and saving plans can help everyone work toward common goals such as sharing meals, shopping trips and other simple outings. Not forcing others to go along to get along is another area to allow discussion about.

Some people do not know they can or should say "No' to doing things, going places, or even dating someone or being more physically involved than they really have had time to think about (even talk over with other trusted people privately.)

Again if any changes are planned for a relationship that can be a challenge and stress that can take weeks, months or even years to comprehend as possible, what it would look like (legally, socially, practically, care-giving for minors and more.)

While some say 'failing to plan is planning to fail' with relationships (even friendships or other social groups but certainly in dating or having a committed relationship over a period of weeks, months or years) there can be a lot to consider which merits attention not only from the two (or so) people involved.

Each of them could talk with a friend or two, counselors, see online resources (including alternative healing folks, holistic therapists such as acupuncturists, yoga or faith groups, personality or life coaches...)

Being 'somewhat practical and simple about solutions' may prove as helpful as any major campaign to figure things out with experts too though.

Especially with divorce and custody allowing an amicable, cost-effective set of solutions to emerge 'just for fun or just in case' for under 10K would be very practical.

Ideally aside from counseling and filing charges with the state, there could be very little need to be in court for long and getting collaborative attorneys could not only save money but save lives, maybe by keeping conflict to a minimum and keeping the children well-supervised.

Even if teens or otherwise more independent, stressful family and court situations can affect them profoundly for years to come.

The basic branching of their family tree is shifting so the security they may have known is 'no longer right under their feet.'

The idea of acting out or being confused or not even sure What they are feeling could all be acknowledged by skilled caring people from any part of their life or school or job arena. Knowing there may be challenges for each part of a family from parents and siblings to in-laws, the parents' siblings and friends, and wider community could help everyone 'keep up with a moving matrix of factors.'

Even the attorneys and counselors, police and mediators not only going along for the ride but acting as driving forces could acknowledge the array of their experiences as human beings in such delicate challenging matters.

Likely much of the confusion many sense but can't put a finger on (oh yeah, because there is No Name for much of what I am talking about.

There could be a code (something I started on some other posts about Counting to 10 in a whole new way about naming parts of the body, but another for relationshiops.) The code could be for the many roles and ramifications of what is involved in a social system such as a dating couple, a parenting couple, a legally married couple and one separating or making a custody plan or other voluntary parenting plan.

By the way, I officially will name MAY 1st as the day for Voluntary Parenting, Care Giving and Safe School and Society Plans Day. Much of that can be found on my blog, www.livfully.org

Thanks to one and all braving that little number which could save millions plus many lives. See The Quincy Solution for more about preventing violence in families. I am backing up a few steps by helping prevent conflicted troubled couples from tying the knot because 'that's what is expected and even seems right'..

The statistics would have any smart person Think Twice about making Legal Commitments and even personal ones that are like jobs without clear terms about ROI, return on investment whether that is social, monetary, practical or more..

It's not fun to think about life in such black and white terms, but because we are a land of laws and everyone is subject to them, we need to factor in a bit of the reality that can bite anyone in the back if 'things shift just a little bit or a lot' and one needs to change gears, sometimes one day to the next to get safe and have some security for living in a new reality or paradigm, like it or not.

If one is alive and well, that's a lot more than many get, so let's up our game if we have learned a few things in life and want better for all in the future, especially those putting their trust in us or getting whatever our society is giving them as a standard and guide to live under...

Peace and light and hoping more things go right for all involved with an eye toward the common good and everyone's inner peace, greater accountability and overall safety all around!