In a recent email from NAMI which hosts Nami Walks in May as part of mental health awareness month, there was information about the following organization. They host Science Chats on various topics with one on Family Violence coming up in May as well. The BMCC, Battered Mothers Custody Conference in Albany NY will be held in early MAY 2018 and has resources worth learning about in depth to inform families, communities, states and countries. Trends about human motivation and behaviors often apply to people around the world.
The clarifying points is that most family or domestic violence is perpetrated by males against females, children or other males. Yes, some females are also abusive to others and even children, but often those females were or are victims of abuse as well. Likely that is the case for many men (imagine boys getting hit by their fathers or older males as more common than girls being hit. Yet also consider many girls and women are sexually assaulted by males in their social and even family circle more often than men.)
These basic points should likely inform Recommendations for Public Safety so ALL WOMEN and Children (males and females) have more supervision and guidance about these BASIC Widespread problems. The 'reasons' may or may not be clear and consistent. Likely there is great deal due to the historical power men have been given Over Women and Children legally. That can take a few extra decades to 'work out of the common mindset and laws that rule the nation, the faith and cultural communities.'
Rural America for instance can be harsher on women and children due to isolation and lack of accessible public transportation and services, even to food and financial institutions or programs. The Common Sense approach to helping level the playing field for females would be to Warn Them Early and Often! Safety measures for living, learning (schooling, internships, childcare and other jobs), driving (to and from events or jobs and school, hobbies, special field trips, faith group functions and more even to family events) and work and ride sharing (even through college years or after high school in the early adult years and onward) all need due consideration.
Many drivers, particularly men, feel they own not only a car they are driving but can control what happens to the people in it whether driving to an agreed upon place or changing the plan or having the car 'break down'. Too often groups of youth, particularly men are prone to driving fast or recklessly or assaulting one or more women or girls they can lure into their car. Not all fellas mind you but Far Too Many. Even One violation is Too many, but happens on a regular basis in many 'social circles or families.'
Predict and prevent the preventable with more planning, Perhaps women travelling to a location or gathering hours or a day or more in advance (a wedding for instance or family reunion, and planning on staying later or for an extra day if time allows would make sense. ) Women riding with others they get along with and men doing so can be practical and an overall safety measure to use if other factors are not outweighing those.
That is 'standard operating procedure' for groups who for instance do a door-to-door outreach about religion or sometimes for other faith or social outreaches. For many groups, having permission to ride with an adult whose had a background check and no current DUI infractions and who has car insurance and so on is done as a matter of procedure. Some schools allow parents to drive students, but again hopefully that is done with the proper checks.
Even fathers doing 'special outings' with their daughters or sons may be best to not have as a matter of private outings (such as fishing, camping and the like but more appropriate for public shopping and outings, possibly appropriate movies but again the idea of a father-daughter outing may not really make much sense in these times or be 'necessary' to push regularly or otherwise.
while most fathers are 'fine and not likely to cross boundaries' there have been enough concerns ( and this would include step-fathers, boyfriends, uncles and so on, neighbors and others) who really could take time to consider what millions of women have sadly experienced from one or more instances of someone, generally a man or even a fellow in the same age group, pushing a boundary and basically violating a woman whether verbally, emotionally, socially, sexually, physically (and that would include changing destinations or getting the woman alone whether in her home or another location.)
Some may think this is 'splitting hairs' and trying to trap innocent men into being put in a poor light. It is amazing how often many men and even women will Blame The Victim, no matter her age, standing, education or other factor, into 'inviting abuse', misunderstanding a behavior, over-reacting, likely having a personality or behavioral pattern of soliciting concerning behaviors from others (sending mixed messages, being flirtatious, secretly wanting to be involved with someone, haviing a crush on someone so likely wanting to act that out, or having been in relationship with someone so likely still seeming okay for the person to relate to romantically or sexually, maybe being in a current relationship so 'not having any grounds for refusal of passes or other concerns.'
If a victim does not clearly say no verbally or physically try to stop someone, that is not grounds for saying s/he consented, but it is harder to prove in a court of law. Even if police feel there is not enough evidence to arrest a perpetrator after a report is made and even if a rape kit is done in a timely fashion, the victim still has a right (in CT and likely many other states) to file civil charges. As we have seen in the media the repercussions of violating another person can be grounds for civil matters for a long while after an episode. In CT the law allows for a victim who was violated before age 18 to report up to 30 years later so up to age 48.
The level of maturity and being able to give due consideration to matters is challenging for someone to think through for oneself as well as with trusted professionals, some of whom may be mandated reporters. Often if a person violates one minor there will be a pattern of doing so to that person or other minors. That is clearly the case in many priest or other minister or youth leader perpetrator cases.
Basically because the media has been silent and therefore complicit to the degree of their lack of coverage of these kinds of difficult public and personal health matters, everyone could find a reason to get on board with comprehending what has been happening for decades if not the history of our country Right Before Our Very Eyes and Often With Many Knowing of the Violations but not knowing what to do if anything, whether legally or socially to the extent that is controllable such as insisting on supervision of the perpetrator to insure s/he is not alone with others at risk of harm, and consistently keeping the minors or victims of any age in a secure social and physical setting (including during travel in cars or planes, trains or motorcycle or bicycle rides.)
Unfortunately though not likely or practical, a person can be assaulted even on a motorcycle or bicycle ride. Mainly be off alone with someone, or even in a room with others present, abuse can occur with people being 'too close or within range' or touching, sitting and otherwise interacting. The way to Deactivate such difficult dynamics is to explain to everyone that like a more pronounced imbalance or illlness whether due to one's brain chemistry, hormones (too much testosterone is one possible factor of concern as are many forms of mental illness or personality disorders0, a person can act out on others.
Letting children and women know early and often that 'their body is their own sacred special domain, for them to feel safe and secure about on all levels, socially, physically, sexually, spiritually, intellectually (helping them feel secure that They Know what the Know and Can Trust their Feelings and Thoughts and can review things with someone that treats them with respect not with special secrets of terms for relating to them.) One fo the first videos on this topic called Critter Jitters by Karen Kisslinger was made in part beacuse she had realized back in the 1980s that sexual violation of women was a widespread problem and linked to many illnesses and concerns women carried for years afterward. See more about what she did during her life on www.karenkisslinger.com Many more fields of holistic and mainstream care are coming to the shared insight that Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can have detrimental effects on a person for years to come.
Overall if we consider how our society has shaped families, men and women and others, we can learn to address matters systemically to help really turn this dynamic of mistreatment of others around. Clearly we need to have safe ways for victims to get the help and support they need and deserve both for their own healing and to help their social circles of friends and family 'see the light of day' and act more appropriately without blaming or shaming the victim(s.) In small towns that mentality can be common to help 'keep the peace and social equilibrium' often linked to many people's jobs and roles which would be under scrutiny if not come to an end if held fully accountable. Likely we need a form of amnesty to allow people to 'do better once they know better.'
That may include a moratorium on any number of jobs, roles, relationship terms (even between spouses if one or both are at fault for violating someone in their circle or one another.) Getting to Honest, Open and Willing communication and deeper understanding would give all people a Chance to Live Their Lives with Integrity. Ideally this would be done with support at least online through some videos they could watch in terms of What honesty and accountabilty as well as possibly outcomes and even healing would look like.
It may mean the two or more people would live apart for six months to have a healthy time out, and relate mainly by phone, emails (although the paper trail especially online likely is not ideal in terms of talking about any violations,) therapies with a lot of supervision (skilled informed friends or counselors aware of the the serious and delicate nature of helping people who have lived double lives or who have hidden lies 'for the greater good' but likely at the expense of the victim being ostracized if not bullied and blamed by others who may know of the factors involved. Being displeased, humiliated, threatened and intimidated shortly after any disclosure or discussion even months or years later is not uncommon, and may prove detrimental to the physical and mental health of one or more parties. Silencing a victim or feeling guilty by one or more parties could lead to other travesties indirectly or more directly as well.
The idea of containing a volcano with cooling fluids, basically driving one or more people with multiple or distorted realities so that eventually no one could know or believe the truth unless they were one of the direct parties involved again could be common fare. How might any of these terribly common patterns be playing out in modern times and what are some workable solutions short term and longer? These kind of concerns and practical resources and ideas need to be readily available to youth at the earliest ages, even as infants, hearing that they are their own special people.
Those caring for them should be duly informed on 'standard ways to care for an infant or young child' as a daycare guidleline would indicate in terms of keeping a child's sense of privacy and respect intact when bathing, changing them, feeding or doing toileting care. No name-calling in negative terms, no put-downs, no overly strict terms for gaining compliance in the tone of voice, what is said, threats of harm or abandomment, being put down for toileting matters (not even calling things 'accidents' when a child is learning to use the potty but more about work in progress episodes.) Spanking or other long time outs in separate rooms should be for parents to take rather than children, but ideally not abandoning a child is best. Lots more to discuss but that should get the topic off the ground.
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