Lighting a Candle...Please Pass it On With An Act of Kindness in Memory of Kaelan A. Palmer Paton (1/6/93-6/16/09)

I shared the second half of this post (marked with ***) with a Facebook group that's got a few hundred folks in it remembering Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton, our teen son who passed in mid June of 2009 at age 16 and 5 months, having been born in wintry Sharon CT near the NY and MA borders, at home with the help of midwives and his Dad David Paton and other supportive folks. It really wouldn't have mattered how Kaelan's life ended in terms of how much we loved him and missed him, yet what transpired that 

seemingly fateful day' when a group of youths from his first year of high school (many who were a year younger than he was) went to see the Great Falls about a mile from the Housatonic Valley Regional High School in Falls Village and Salisbury CT. Teens from each town were at the Falls, including some from North Canaan, Cornwall, Kent and Sharon. Kaelan saved friends from those North Canaan and Cornwall while still on the river bank with a serious risk to himself. He had a moment to tell someone he would have gone in the treacherous waters at the base of the Falls if the friend in peril had gone under the water. Moments later yet another youth jumped in, following what he heard Kaelan had done twice but without any safety plan in place or review of what to do from a more experienced person.

That may not have made much difference, other than to consider wearing a life vest and helmet which none had thought of doing and to swim back out rather than go further into the river. The current along the edge of the river was flowing but not anywhere as fast as the pounding water falling furiously over the rocky falls for an expanse of a few hundred feet or more from the damn upriver. I explored more in a post 'Remembering Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton' and hope to reformat it before long and write a book for all ages to know the basics to learn the hard won lessons of that time.

The whole scene looked like the setting for a nightmarish movie and tragically, what seemed like a great idea turned into every parent's, teacher's and student's worse nightmare in terms of sudden deathly danger. Kaelan somehow managed to swim in the fierce whitewater to reach his friend who was struggling to stay above water. He reached him and one psychic said Kaelan was letting her know that he went under when he pushed his friend toward shore. A saying our minister Terry Ryan had shared many times over the years that 'For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction' came to mind when I heard that with an application that claimed our son's life in terms of its 'inevitability' given the direction Kaelan exerted force to save his friend, perhaps hoping that friend would in turn be able to extend him a hand if need be. But Kaelan immediately was sent below the water and did not resurface.

One professional assured me weeks later that "Kaelan did not suffer' and likely didn't know one moment to the next that his life was over. His final shouts to his friend were words of encouragement after having signalled 9-1-1 to his friends above to call for help. That they were able to understand him and find a car to stop and loan them a cell phone or make the call is one of the many miracles in the midst ot the tragedy.

Being a life long church goer, I have heard the Stations of the Cross and have seen a few renditions of the life and death of Jesus. I could envision in the months and years following a set of pictures trying to capture the impossible harrowing final 'stations' in the loss of Kaelan's life, but one that heralded a sense of love conquering all. It took me a few years to write things down about that day which I had learned bit by bit in the hours and days following his passing and the week after which was when his body resurfaced and was carried down the still high Housatonic river, travelling a full seven miles to West Cornwall CT where he had started out that day with his friends on bicycles.

Most of his friends and school mates from those times are doing well as far as I know from an overall sense of being on Facebook and in the communities. However Steven Wingard, a classmate and stellar wrestler who pursued a professional diving career also had a difficult passing ten years after Kaelan during a work situation underwater due to something malfunctioning that he was working on. I felt I wanted to do something to mark Kaelan's tenth year in heaven and put a few posts on Facebook, then Steven died later in the month and it seemed to me Kaelan's spirit was helping prepare me and others to remember what they had survived to warn us that 'it could happen again.'

There have been other losses along the river and again in many communities due to drowning, drinking and difficulties that more of the community can address. Most are doing something to prevent overdoses and to warn people of the risk of hidden added fatal chemicals to some street drugs. Along with keeping safe agreements and supervision in place, more parents, adults and youths can plan to live life fully and responsibly and to ask for help as needed. More programs and funding has come up for many so hopefully the stigma of needing a helping hand is diminished.

Others faced difficult emotional struggles, some involving drug addiction or use even after a time of recovery. Like many in America and around the world, losing loved ones to any cause but particulary when 'out of the natural cycle or in a difficult manner' reminds us of the gift life is and the reason to make our days and relationships count. With the recent pandemic many have lost the kind of support that comes from interacting freely and without undue strain. That hardens everyone in some ways and again, creates a cycle of gratitude and awareness of the need to be kind to ourselves and one another in balanced ways.Now b

ack to the time of Kaelan's birth....

As his Mom, I, Catherine Palmer (at the time, before adding Paton about 7 years later) recall sitting down to try to sew piping for a pillow but instead packed the sewing machine away and realized labor was starting, so some things would have to wait.

Still we had a lovely home on Caulkinstown Road in Sharon that is no longer standing. It was a simple ranch his grandparents, Sandy and Caroline Paton, founders of Folk-Legacy Records Inc, had owned for years, even having lived there for a number of years at one point and were renting to us for $400 a month in 1991-3. I had gotten the apartment below fixed up by a friend who then got paid from the rent, a trick I'd learned from seeing family and friends work barters and rent rooms out, which was something else we did along the way to make ends meet.

We were spoiled with having lived with Dave's parents on Sharon Mountain in a large house with two separate upstairs units, and two kitchens back to back for two years. We'd even had our winter wedding reception there in The Great Room with 250 wedding guests who brought tasty potluck dishes to share for an evening meal. I'd thought to hire a couple of people to organize that and they did a great job. Last minute I asked a friend to cook a turkey I'd meant to prepare. She'd never done that before but managed as did others from far and wide with bringing food and managing difficult snowy roads.

We have a video of the music-filled wedding held at the Sharon Congregational Church in CT that some friends made when that was not common. I had that aired on our local cable television station 17 years later along with a concert of folk music played by The Patons at Music Mountain in Falls Village CT, where Dave later recorded many classical musical performances that aired around the world online and radio.

Our little villages are connected in many meaningful ways with wonderful teamwork over generations supporting local schools, both public and private (with many coming from far and wide to the private ones) as well as established faith groups, theater programs and libraries and businesses. What could possibly go wrong with such a beautiful set up both Dave and I had grown up in as successful students, athletes and community members and then parents?

Apparently, plenty of challenges with ekeing out a living and being in a relationship and having children were not discussed in public, not on TV and there was no internet and hardly many books in the library or outreaches to have an easy way to know what to do, who to turn to for help and how to progress smoothly. It seemed everyone in our social circles and communities were 'works in progress' in the late 1980s and into the 1990s.

Now we can look back hopefully all the wiser and realize there was a learning curve...and we can be the ones to help guide others not only through being in relationships, even a decade after being divorced for no particular reason, but nonetheless if one pursues such a course it has to be granted legally. In one's heart if not wanting a divorce, I along with a few others imagine, you don't have to go along with the divorce other than 'on paper' and allow for physical separation and so on. It's not easy and I explore many facets of relationships on other posts on this livfully.org blog.

There can be uphill journeys of many kinds such as illness, needs to move or change jobs and routines, care for others and so on. We are all more willing to learn and consider ways to cope and prepare more than in the past and that's a good thing! With AI, Artificial Intelligence, coming around the bend and Elon Musk saying we absolutely need to regulate Before It's Out of Control, hopefully the world is listening and regular people can tune in immediately to such a serious warning! That is the kind of 'bigger insight' that the difficult passing of our wonderful teen son stirred in my soul in 2009, on the heels of the difficult divorce and unmerited time (as in years) apart from my children.

More preparation and warnings for all manner of concerns to prevent harm and minimize damage.Ongoing teams of informed community members could be assessing and addressing gaps in systems to help youth, parents, teachers and community members understand what the reasonable measures are to take to care and nurture peope at each age and stage of life.

If someone is 'going out of bounds' a referee could call a time out and clarify what game we are playing whether in sports or life.I can explore that theme more another time..but for now, hopefully everyone can lean into the idea of being a team player, accountable for their words and actions and willing to hear from coaches who are there to remind them to 'play it safely and respectfully'.

Thanks to all who've been in our corner over the years, even if not clear on how to help or prevent downward spirals of difficulty and danger. Many people could join in advocacy and outreach efforts that work along these lines and some of which I hope to formalize after many decades of informal outreach in newspapers and on my blog livfully.org and Facebook posts.

Here's the one I shared today and trust everyone can take a moment to relate to the sense of history over their lifetime and find stories and values to pass on especially in these times of widespread changes and concerns for health, safety and collaboration for keeping people and the planet in balance with resources and more. So step back with me in time, to January 5th, 1993, the day before Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton was born...and profound things were set in motion...