Learning Lessons Over the Decades about Caring for Others and Recording Care Plans and Events with Accountability

To the Editor: (Revisting the Disappearance of Tom Drew of Salisbury about the events of July 21st, 2007--two days as it turned out before the CT Petit Family  home invasion  an hour away in Chesire CT--which is now explored with theories and allegations by Allison Drew in the book Searching for My Missing Father, available online or in print.

 

I know that night I had wanted to issue some kind of massive alert that "one never knows what can happen one minute to the next in one's home, even among the normal folks in one's household or care situation...so to develop some safety and checklist guidelines and review basics and routines as much as possible.

 

That would particularly mean supervising anyone who was compromised and could not speak or could leave the premises even if not expected whether a younger child or an elder with some signs of confusion and so forth. Door locks and gates on all doors, fences with another secure latch that would need capability to open and security cameras as well as having people have a safety device or cell phone on their person (sewed into a hidden pocket in a vest if they would not wear it) and so on would make sense

 

. A dog or other people living near and having routines would also make sense to 'what to do in an emergency'. Neighbors could possibly have special signals if help were needed in a pinch, a sign they put up in a window that says "Call 911 for Help! if young children might be able to do that if their sole caregiver took ill etc or there was a safety concern due to domestic violence and so forth.

 

Stopping someone from calling the police is a serious offense and sometimes 'more than one' may be needed if they are escalating a situation or things are not clear about what his happening. Anyone should be able to Make A Phone Call to a friend who can then follow up with a call to 911 or other support if needed. Online one can contact justanswer.com for legal counsel online and look up information on google to handle a situation.

 

It's 'okay to pray' also and to think about 'what ifs' in advance for each person to have support and care in any situation. Independent people checking in and reviewing terms of employment to clarify and not allow dishonesty or stealing of someone's pay by a manager or other person would make a lot of sense.

 

Always getting a signed receipt when payment is made and received to have on record (again with a couple of folks independently tracking that) would clean up confusion and crime of theft and neglect ir dereliction of duty (leaving a needy person alone or abandoning them due to someone's tactics or mistakes.)

 

It's a basic that a paid caregiver (and I would offer even a volunteer) would not leave a compromised person alone or at risk. The night care or time when someone is sleeping or on errands should be addressed in more specific ways to avoid someone going outside by mistake, possibly in the cold or wandering even if they were not prone to doing that. Even 'one episode' of confusion could be a voluntary standard to up the care coverage.

 

I learned that  7/21/2007 Saturday night just after Tom left the home around 7:15pm from the main caregiver who returned at 7:30pm that 'Tom had done this once before, where he walked out to a footbridge over Sage's Ravine (which was dry in July) back in May, of 2007 by himself and was found after a quick search. '

 

I told the caregiver he should have alerted me but we were not keeping up with such things and it was not recurring. I had read to Tom about an elderly man who had hiked the Appalachian Trail which was right across the street from Tom's road.

 

He seemed to like that story. I was reading the article again more closely later that night to see if there was any clue about what may have connected to Tom leaving. Someone criticized me for doing so Allision shares in the book or would do so even today if not knowing the 'backstory' about us reading the paper together that day. They also were demeaning the idea of taking time to pray and get calm and try to center ourselves which today would hopefully be one of the first things anyone would be encouraged to do to help one not only 'think straight' but to be open to helping and receiving ideas and working to address concerns and find someone as quickly as possible.

 

I share many other ideas over the years about how to be more tuned in to life and situations and to trust one's instincts. I found that Tom was missing as quickly as I did because I checked on him on the commercials. I thought he went out the front door but it was locked. So then I thought he was up in his bathroom, not thinking he would go out the back steps across the lawn. If I had gone in the kitchen and seen the glass door ajar hopefully I would have looked out in the yard which was quite large and stretched back to woods. I may have just closed the door (if he hadn't been clearly in sight) and thought he was upstairs.

 

It took me another 5 or so to check on him and I felt a bit silly running up the stairs to knock on the bathroom door to see if he was in there because he wasn't usually up there at that time of day. He also was not one I had helped with any bathroom care. So I knocked and called out even as I was going up the stairs that I was coming to see how he was doing. But the door was solid and shut.

 

When I knocked and decided to open the door I was saying his name loudly but quickly saw the bathroom was empty! I panicked for a minute and felt bewildered about where he could be. I literally looked under his high bed because maybe he could have dropped something and somehow was searching for a missing button. I realize now that was what we would be doing to search for him.

 

I wish now that I had called 911 from the upstairs phone. (I did sometimes use that phone and likely called my daughter from it and said earlier that day that 'Tom is not here' meaning he was not within hearing distance of what I was telling her since I was concerned about things she and others felt I shouldn't really explore in any public way or regarding safety concerns among people I knew and systems we were involved with.

 

Someone seemed to have a mental health problem for instance that involved wanting to call the police for no real reason or would be telling me I was not a good parent even though I had been a stay at home Mom caring for my kids for 17 years with many people seeing me regularly doing nice things with my kids and caring for other children including at my Sharon Congregational Church in CT in the nursery with another adult.

 

 I went to that church since we were married there in 1988 so knew dozens of people for decades, but regarding making statements many in my school, social and community circles were reluctant to 'get more involved.' I have learned recently I could have sought to have more people put under oath and testify if things went to court (which happened beyond my control twice for a highly conflicted divorce--it really only takes one to tango when someone wants a divorce...and the other party can have an 'unwanted (but maybe necessary...or not) divorce'. 

 

That started for six months then was withdrawn in May 2006 then after living in the same home for a year with me doing all the childcare again as usual and even moreso, the divorce was restarted again by my children's father shortly after Tom went missing. That went on for a couple of years with twenty times in court or mediation or consultion sessions/ Tragically but with quite a few concerns shared by me, our teen son Kaelan drowned at the Falls the day after our legal divorce was finalized in mid June 2009. I had not seen my children in a regular way or even for more than erratic chance encounters for over two years (and that was after the first time being apart for six months for no valid reason) in 2006.

 

A competent parent, especially the primary caregiver and biological mother should never be separated from their children (and vice versa which is the guideline for International Human Rights Laws during war and times of conflict or climate challenges or other transitions and moves. With Climate Change Refugees numbering into the millions with oncoming problems predicted the difficult lessons learned by those in high conflict and often dangerous custody or caregiving challenges can shed light on the way forward for safety and sanity for those with the best interests of the children and others in need of care.

 

It's a complex set of problems but now many are well versed in the broken parts of the system and how too many perpetrators of confusion and crime are rewarded 'by chance' or more intentionally with other bigger players and funders calling the shots. There is nothing 'unusual or small about the conflicts almost anyone could become part of' when caring for their children or others in their social or work circles. We need to become experts and advocates to create reasonable educational and resource strategies for each person to be validated and supported in their self-care and management of respsonsibilities.

 

There is a lot more to explore regarding that kind of challenge but back then there was not information about what the main problems were that a community and even legal system could and should be concerned about. That is changing now with advocacy for safety for all children and both parents to be monitored and accountable for many kinds of coercive control, substance abuse, mental concerns and other factors.

 

There is still a long way to go for the public and particularly people having relationships and children to understand about those matters. Similarly with caregiving and aging, there are many ways to educate and improve the situation for more to be better informed and prepared to handle ups and downs, short-term and longer.

 

This is literally the first time I am replaying that scene and coming up with an idea that maybe could have changed the outcome, Maybe also if when Mario that other caregiver returned came home we could have blared the horn we could have gotten a 'sound warning to Tom to stop' if he was realizing he was out in the woods and shouldn't have been.

 

The police and neighbors then as they still could for present needs do so now... could have set up check points on main roads with video cameras of people's license plate numbers and more people gone out to search their own cars (yes including trunks) and sheds and roadways and been on the look out for Tom who was elderly and did not move easily usually.

 

Howard Paine who plowed his driveway and lived nearby went to his front door and was looking for his own cat. Tom Drew loved his two cats he had had for years. Might there have have been some other helpful support being offered to connect the dots and the people who knew each other in one context to look out for each other in the next? Howard did not think it a concern to check on the man, and did not think it was Tom initially because he lived a half mile away or more through the woods.

 

Hopefully more neighbors and community members would have a sense of checking up on one another. If a phone chain were in place maybe Howard would have gotten a call and been able to report his sighting and follow up readily. Tom could have been home in time to sleep in his own bed safe and sound by midnight. As it turned out dozens of people from the Salisbury Fire Department joined the many police and were searching in the woods as dusk turned to dark by 9pm since it was summer.

 

I was with a group and had insisted we get out in the woods while many seemed to be going in slow motion talking things over in the house. I called out loudly for Tom while others were starting to talk. I said to please put their all into it and really be on the look out. I had called my husband who was quite an outdoosman to come help as soon as I realized Tom was missing but he thought others could handle it.

 

No one thought it would take long to find Tom, but hours turned into days and even with a blood hound coming from a few hours away, no real leads resulted in anything. The Canine Rescue Dogs searched an extra day or two and I shared with Liz Burn who I happened to know from the area that my trunk was stuck in locked mode. I asked her so witness that I could not open it and she was fine with noting that. It would have been ideal if she had called that into the police.

 

Later North East Muffler worked on opening the trunk by taking the back seat of my  navy blue Buick Century out. The trunk was full of stuff but this fellow Joe who had missing teeth had done a good job at repairing the latch. I had the car in my yard for a year or more and it was still full of stuff when police asked if they could check it out. I said sure and asked that we bag the stuff if possible when we put it back in. I forget if they did that or not. But I had asked the police to see that the trunk keylock was broken that night and they brushed it off as nothing anyone would worry about. I had said I would want to know if it were my family and sure enough that was one of many allegations of 'what if's' that Allison and others came up with in her book.

 

They dug holes on a friend's farm in Cornwall because of a dream I shared with my family in an email that Tom was in bed resting and I washed his feet. There was a high dresser and a person seemed to be behind it. When I checked (in my dream) it was a manekin and then I realized it was from him being a designer. If I think of what it could mean now it might be something along the lines that he was at peace but that his life as a designer making outfits was no longer his identity.

 

Also I can add that from my experiences, we are move than out bodies, more than the physical that meets the eye but there are clues and connections to who we are and what life is about from how we dress ourselves not only with clothes but thoughts, connections and responses to life and our relationships which shift over time in many ways, some known and many in unforeseen ways. From programs I've taken the idea of 'exploring what a dream means to each person' is valid... since we are all human and have many similar experiences and such it's okay to explore "What Does that dream mean" or "If I had that dream, this is what it might mean for me (any particular real life insight or more intuitive sense...)

 

Back to the first moments of 'feeling something is not right or realizing something is wrong or dangerous..."

 Writing a statement down on email or leaving a voicemail as soon as possible about the Who-What-Where-When-How and timeline of what each person did or knew or said would be very helpful even before police are contacted so all details are as accurate as possible.

 

Each person should do that separately so a voice message even left on a friend's phone with info not to erase that would be a good plan if one does not have their own cell phone. Back in 2007 I did not have much access to such things or ideas. So that's why I am taking time to share this now. The number of those in need for care is growing exponentially and the caregiver pool is shrinking as are available spots in home or care facilities.

 

Back to the Drew care situation. In her book Searching for My Missing Father, Allison Drew asserts that  months before he went missing she clearly decided to hire me to stay over on Saturday nights for $50 dollars (instead of the $150 that would normally be due. 

 

Since she lived in England and her sister many states away, they gave  care funds to the main caregiver, who was paying me for the other time I did which was normally  rotating weekends from Saturday and Sunday 9:30am to 7:30pm starting the fall of 2006, but became more frequent as others withdrew from the job so I covered more time. Initially I was being directed to 'leave him alone at nights' and although I had concerns since he could not speak and had dementia, he seemed to be safe the next day when I returned although he was staying alone in the home since the other caregiver had weekends off.

 

He had felt he was having to do a lot more work and supervising than intially hired for and was not being fairly compensated. He was friendly to me and shared his concerns about feeling overwhelmed at times and wanting the home tidier. I offered to clean the kitchen extra well for him.

 

He offered me $50 dollars to wipe the cabinets and counters as well as the floor down with sanitary wet wipes. I did not insist but said that would be helpful. I learned later that the Drew sisters were giving him $50 extra weekly for my pay for overnights. I had found Tom had not gone up to bed as usual one time and was still sitting where I left him at a chair at the foot of the stairs at 7:30pm one Saturday night. 

 

I told Tom that I would never leave him alone and did not realize he was having a hard time but it wasn't his fault. I said I would stay over 'for free' since the caregiver said he checked with the Drew sisters and they did not want to pay me or even to stay without pay. He had told me early on I was not to talk with the sisters directly since they were busy and he was the only one with the standing to do that.

 

Once the sister named Bettina called by chance after Tom had falled when losing his balance after standing up in the kitchen from being seated at the table. He had bruises on his arm and I told her then that I was sorry to put my opinion forward but felt he should have more care and be in a nursing home, particularly because his bedroom was upstairs.

 

I had been told I could leave to shop or be outside for a walk and let him have some time to himself since he liked his independence and that I shouldn't crowd him. I gave an extensive deposition (interview by an attorney that was recorded and which I have a copy of) regarding many aspects of the care and situation before, during and after the turn of events of caring for Tom Drew and when I last saw him in the home.

 

I didn't like having to get his NY Times from the Salisbury Pharmacy on Sunday mornings, but they said 'that was the routine.' I got Tom to go with me once but he would not get out of the car so I ran in quickly from the parking place right in front of the store. Still I was not happy that was the routine and I found out the NY Times could be delivered by mail, a chance new offering.

 

So we arranged for that. I had my younger kids come visit for an hour or two one time and let them play by themselves in the open yard in the back, thankfully with no wild animals or hikers creating a challenge. I would not recommend that now in terms of letting children play outside alone.

 

Ideally someone would be doing what they need to do for paperwork or even reading but be closer and 'on the ball' with people who are compromised outside. Someone in a motorized wheelchair who normally got around on her one fine has gotten 'stuck in the mud' (thankfully close to the home and easily found) but also almost tipped over due to unever ground (and thankfully the caregiver happened to be right nearby to stabilize the chair.)

 

Bugs (spiders --some of which can require excellent medical care an area may not have handy... and bees) and mosquitoes as can be sudden wind and rain storms can also be a worry so worth staying close even when people are enjoying summer days or routines of 'being alone'. Not leaving people or pets in parking lots or in cars if they are not competent or not feeling well is important also. Someone drove an elder to the ER when the person was acting exhausted and confused.

 

The elder refused to go into the ER and the driver did not think to go in and let the medical people know or even to call from the car (or step outside the car and make that call.) The elder refused to get checked the next day as well but the following day her sister insisted and took her ine. The doctors said the elder has such low sodium levels they would not have been able to restore them if another day had gone by. These are meaningful messages for people of any age and at any stage of life. 

 

Here is the letter I shared in 2017, ten years after Tom Drew was not in the home after a nice day of talking on the patio and trimming hedges a bit (but with clippers that were not sharp enough so I was going to bring in better ones the next weekend.) We were out there for over two hours which was a lot more than usual. He had not been wanting to go out for a ride or spend much time outdoors in the prior weekends.

 

I had gotten him to walk a short distance in the front to a tree, holding his hands and telling him "we're a team and holding each other up, keeping our balance." That was to make sure he didn't fall or trip on something if he didn't pick his feet up enough. We were watching a movie at 7pm that I had scene advertised called "Too Young To Marry" and that was about high school sweethearts wanting to go to Harvard (or therebouts...) and only the yound woman got in. So they decided to get married so they could live together on campus.

 

That was all in the first 20 minutes of the show. There were a couple of kissing scenes then the wedding. I didn't know if Tom was uncomfortable about that. He got up from the couch and went to a hall in the next room and got a jacket on. Then he came back and sat down in the chair. He then said "I've got to get going". I thought he would go to the front step area and start picking grass out from the small stones which he did sometimes. We had been out there for a short time before dinner and he had said that I should get going. I told him I would leave when his other caregiver returned fairly soon. It was July 21st, 2007 when this life changing situation unfolded....

 

Here is what I shared in a letter to the editor (which may not have been printed in full or at all) to the Lakeville Journal of CT. I was told early and often not to speak about the case by an attorney someone hired for me since I was not versed in such things and did not have funds for that. I just paid that person $1500 back recently. I have done a great deal of outreach to 'set the record straight' but many people from the media whether newspapers or television (such as on Unsolved Mysteries but I haven't seen that episode) do not give an accurate thorough accounting of what I share.

 

I hope we can put an official website together with well versed advocates sharing what we do know and what are allegations and theories which is what Allison Drew offers in her book with many far-fetched ideas, but again in the realm of 'brainstorming of possibilities' are worth everyone keeping in mind going forward.

 Many people were moved I'm sure when seeing a photograph in the classifieds recently of Tom Drew, the 91-year-old Salisbury resident, which was on flyers far and wide over the past ten years with the ever-urgent question, "Have You Seen This Man?"

 

 Even children know the story as well they should. Likely we need to improve the standard supervision for them and  even as teens since we learned hard lessons when my teen son Kaelan Paton passed trying to save a friend from the Housatonic River by the falls in 2009.

 

With Tom Drew going missing,  "What Happened?" is the next logical and caring question. Clear accounts are voluntarily given on record and in a deposition of many pages by me his weekend caregiver, Catherine Paton, and by Mario Zecca, his main caregiver. 

 

While experienced police investigators have supported the consistency and credibility of my reports, many others have called my account into question. There are various reasons for that including the generally quiet, low-energy condition of Tom Drew who used to do his own mowing and yard work up to a year before his decline from dementia. How 

 

Could he walk away physically and particularly other than on a clear path which seems unlikely. Ideally more people could team up to study the many angles not only of the Tom Drew case but many others who may be in compromised living situations with only a few people monitoring their care.

 

  Many standards are in place to guide people with appropriate housing and care-giving but often those are not heeded due to expense, denial of the need or condition, gaps in planning and more.

 

 The other main point for the community to address is if anyone kidnapped or harmed Tom Drew if he made it to  the main roads, more precautions should be taken whether one is healthy or even with one other person or on safer country roads.

 

 Likely to help all citizens understand what a police investigation or legal matter may involve, more education is needed on that as well. In most cases, no one needs to speak to police 'without an attorney'. 

 

That would include any family or friends who are being questioned by a police officer whether they come to one's home or call. It is not ideal but confusion can arise quickly with matters taken out of context, or someone inferring an inconsistency where none exists.

 

 Many innocent people are 'wrongly arrested', imprisoned until a hearing if they cannot make bail and even convicted wrongly (about 10K per year.) I would like to extend my sincere apologies to the family and friends of Tom Drew for their pain and suffering.

 

 Even with a nurse's aide training in 2006, I did not know the very small by clearly troubling risk of the kind of direct supervision every minute a person with mental health issue requires.I was encouraged to let him have some independence, and he was being left alone for not only hours but most Saturday nights until I insisted I be able to stay. 

 

There is a discrepancy as to whether the Drew sisters paid me  $50/night or if someone took that money because I did not get that amount and was told they did not want me to stay even for free.

 

 But that is what I felt was needed and did about 10 times. Precautions such as locks on the door and a fence which would the person could not open alone would have been helpful and indoor monitoring systems such as an intercom, door and chair alarms.

 

 Each case could have an online site for all caregivers and community overseers to review as a team to increase a team approach to learning and implementing preventive measures. 

 

I hope we can all take time on July 21st, 2017, ten years after that turn of events as well as the  July 323rd, 2007 Petit Family Home Invasion and loss of three women in that crime to remember  those from over the years who lived and gave us many lessons while alive..and some tougher ones in their passing or disappeance. We can remember Tom Drew in positive ways for his many talents which are covered in stories but also by watching out for ourselves, those in our care and our community. I cover many ideas along those lines on livfully.org and welcome input.

 

 Here's to our collective learning and caring about one another with clear safety guidelines and preventive measures so we can enjoy our lives and communities in peace with faith and teamwork.-- Catherine Palmer Paton