Important Timely Bill To be Raised in CT About DV Murder Being a Felony...and other resources shared

 From ConnecticutProtectiveMoms.org There is a bill being considered to make a DV murder a felony, not 'an act of passion' that can be plead down. If you sign up for the newsletter, the link appears to support hearing this bill soon. So it should be done tonight.

Thanks for learning about what they offer and are working with other states in the country to make the justice system a place for protection from harm when there are forms of DV in custody or possibly divorce cases as well.

All sectors of society need to get informed and not 'hide in the shadows or be afraid' to understand the difficulty of such situations (which are in plenty of crime dramas but again with a mixed bag of tricks as to which laws or protocol will be used by professionals and even the people involved.

It's great to have freedom but there needs to be far more accountability voluntarily to learn about modern norms and ways to meet standards regularly with some support and follow through rather than allow for harm to play out and risk separating children from protective parents (generally the moms or other safe relatives.)

If a Mother or other caregiver needs support that should be made available and a helpful father or other relative willing and able to step in and comply with the standards especially with support, should help prevent drama and difficulties which can result in exorbitant pressures, costs, court or police interactions and even harm (self-harm, neglect or intentional harm) to one or more people in the conflict (or danger.)

CT and most states are waking up in the past decade or so, ever so slowly or painstakingly...while most schools, towns and communities still think 'the experts will figure all of this out.' That's just not the case, and many age out, retire or even pass away who may have more experience and could help be part of the turnaround.

Maybe it's helpful to have new people in the systems put more advocacy in place and not make people have to 'relearn or try to do things differently' when it's been years of confusion in the courts.

Sadly many DV advocates are stuck with not being able to warn victims in a timely manner and may not understand the track record of protective parents, mainly Moms, having to work twice as hard if not more to have any justice and support to maintain ties and have full custody of their children which is what professional advocates in the safety and justice fields say is a necessity, not a luxury when there is coercive control.

Supervised visitation for an unsafe parent makes sense (and often for the protective parent as well since the children can be very confused and trying to minimize and make the situation get better with compliance short-term and longer.

That strategy may buy the victims (both adult and the children time) but with no intervention to alert the perpetrator that there needs to be a concerted effort on his part to 'see the light' and play fairly and be accountable, things don't work out that well.

What many experts such as LundyBancroft.com and David Mandel of Safe&TogetherInstitute (keeping protective parents, mainly moms, together with their kids) seem to indicated is that an abuser is not going to change quickly and without guidance and accountability...it at all. Bancroft wrote ShouldIStayOrShouldIGo.net for more people in conflicted or not abusive relationships assess things candidly.

When things are problematic for two years or more, the fellow who wrote about a male midlife crisis says the stress can be too much to try to live together and work things out. Even that may be too long to wait.

The kind of roadmap for 'sticking through thick and thin' could be assessed with AI or regular sensible people with various religious, cultural and economic concerns factored in. Most victims stay to keep their family together and have a place to live, maybe keep their pets and property in order and not rock the boat, waiting for the storm to subside and much more.

Then there are veiled threats and warnings from over the years of how the woman (and the kids) better not question or advocate for themselves...'there'll be consequences...and it won't work out the way they want, 50-50 or whatever else may seem fair is not the main goal...even if it's the law and they've gone to some counseling and consults. There can be a dozen ways to create turmoil or maybe there are other 'causes' such as affairs, drug use or addiction to even activities or work..

The idea of 'looking within and getting honest, open and willing to have a sponsor and be accountable' is the furthest thing from an unbalanced person's mind. Maybe they can't break out of that and as people age, there can be a host of other maladies or confusing symptoms, such that the old person is nothing like when they were in a more balanced state...and it seems cruel that they may be losing capacities.

Still that is not an excuse to allow abuse. Being safe is central to anyone's sense of normalcy and security about going about their life and day. But again the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt can undermine many an effort to have a normal life.

Unfortunately the social supports and community may be worn thin by witnessing or hearing the concerns expressed or the drama whether via a school or faith group or other interactions.

A victim calling for help may be labelled as 'playing the victim'. If an abuser is capable at work and friendly to others, there can be disbelief that the person could be different in private or around some other people. It seems a person who knows how to behave or even get help in some areas and has family and stability in an area would be open to support.

But don't count on it. Society whether in a small area or a larger one, is not tuned into the problem and ways to show support or even intervene to keep children out of the loop and hopefully the victim safe with places to go, some funds or transportation and more.

Whose job is it to learn and try to help? Everyone's but the direct involvement should be from those who are working with a team and the professionals ideally who are really informed (such as the LundyBancroft.com and other sites like DomesticShelters.org could be guiding the way with local help...again it's few and far between, so really important for each state and town to give more training to all young people, especially women not to be victimized and not know it and to men not to be abusive...and to want to get help to Stop the patterns of power and control over others.

It's a serious debilitating problem so not one that will be solved overnight...but to the extent movies, conversations and advocacy can be done in public school and related groups, the better. Why not think on that more like creating a nice meal or recreation room... people need to be safe and respected, healthy and cared for in many ways...and good ideas can catch on fast.

Having everyone be accountable for where they are and what time they are putting in with caring for themselves and otehrs (even going to physicals, dental and mental health support groups, parenting and relationship and communication workshops on line or somehow connecting with the other parents or school support or faith support can make a big difference. All worth keeping in a journal (calendar and having validated by people one meets with. )

Then if a concern is raised the evidence of one's efforts and involvement can work in one's favor. Overall most Fathers get 'twice the credit for less than half the work' and most Moms (in question) get the reverse...less than half the credit for more than twice the work!

These problems are complicated in the 2020s compared to many years ago, say 2000, due to everyone working more and infants able to go to daycare. What will things look like in 20 years, and with more pressure from world issues, how can we plan to be there for those in need for the basics, including safety and respect and good care for all, especially youth?