Honoring the more than 500 Kids in the Last Decade (through 2016) Who Have Lost their Lives to Domestic Violence...and the Thousand Moms who Also Perish Each Year (for Decades, Sadly)

"Coast to Coast in America" sounds good, yet when a warning is issued, it means "Time to Heed It!" October happens to be Domestic Violence Awareness Month, so coming on the heels of Gun Violence events at the start of the month and the coast to coast concerts against gun violence in September 2017, let's keep the learning happening. Someone near or dear to you may have already suffered (and I  recently met people from Toronto and Colorado coming to show support for the cause of preventing Gun Violence via The Carey Gabay Foundation which will do outreach in the NYC area.

At the concert fundraiser The Carey Gabay Foundation held in September, I also met people who'd lost loved ones to gun violence. In addition to Trenelle Gabay who has braved speaking of her late husband's passing after being caught in gang crossfire at a West Indian annual festive weekend,and will work to enhance gun legislation for safety (with backgroud checks and limiting the kind of weapons people can obtain.) Meeting two mothers, one from the NYC area whose daugther was killed in another state as well as a mother who flew in from Cincinatti who'd lost her daughter to the violence of a young man she had stopped dating, the event took on a deeper sense of urgency. I recall a friend I made in an Alternatives To Violence Program training (that does promote a bigger sense of transforming power in all people but I know I was feeling they should dialogue more with domestic violence advocates so people are not given false hope or confusing messages where safety is concerned..yet that is the path most take due to 'too little too late' for setting the rules to live and love by. So this lovely young woman has suffered the loss of her Mom by her Dad when the mom had spoken of wanting to separate after rearing their two children.

The Dad seemed to be okay with the idea yet shot his wife a month later. He went to prison and took ill many years later, dying in prison, with the daughter only seeing him a few days before his passing. Having such familial ties can make it 'all the more incomprensible' compared to a stranger or criminal taking someone's life. It's easier to 'hate them' to 'not forgive them.' Nothing brings the person whose mortal life has ended back, so wrestling with the questions is something that can be helpful although difficult to do. With the loss of our teen son to a more heroic accident, of him trying to rescue a friend from drowning, there were still many questions.

Many complicating factors and some of the ongong experiences since Kaelan's earthly exit in mid June of 2009 are covered in Remembering Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton (that can be googled, and him Memorial Service on youtube in short segments may provide some solace to others facing challenges of any kind. It seems a service in part for all of us there and who take time to reflect on the events but also on the music and sharing that we took part in a month after his passing. Much of this blog touches on the many gifts he brought to our lives and community and even our world since his passing.

I think more could be done to reverence the lives of those after they've gone, to glean lessons and inspirations, to seek healing and answers however they seem to emerge. Much good likely can come our way from what many have written, from the other side. Rather than closing the book on such topics or never cracking them open, it seems the internet and many people are able to inspire huge sections of humanity and soon we will all have a shared vocabulary and understanding of the many major ideas that have been creeping up quietly along the sidelines of our busy world this past few decades and even century. Some things take a while to grow and catch on but when they ring true and have a healing component, it's like bees to honey.

 An important national information site is www.caprotectivparents.org. The 'good news' is that we are finding out the nature of the bad news, so maybe we can help reverse that downward spiral.

A riveting new film out called What Doesn't Kill Me from Women Make Movies that could help keep America safer for the next wave of women and kids (and of course safe guys) by giving protective Moms custody (but the safety needs to be a priority not lost on a list of 'best interests of the child' which gets vague and used against Moms.

Key people to look up online are Barry Goldstein (or CivicResearchInstitute.org where his books on DV Child Abuse and Custody and Representing the DV Survivor as well as The Quincy Solution) could give more people a grounding in the many factors that spin a wild web for any woman to figure out with or without attorneys. She will have to be very  motivated and ideally capable of facing a lot of harsh realities, reading many books and listening to many people discuss the Craziness of the Courts, Abuse, Substance Abuse and More.

The Duluth Model is another key site for Everybuddy to Know About and ponder the community response that could shift the climate of abuse in any community. This stuff can take Years and Decades. Likely someone in their mid 30s is figuring things out (if not younger out of necessity for their own personal survival.) Sadly many DV advocates 'can only say so much' and nothing about legal, and nothing about the abuser that can keep the woman a few steps ahead. Very little is shared about the experience of children and how they may be coaxed or pressured into going along with the bully or abusive father. Not good. Not easy to face the misery as  victim or a community. At least the victim tries, likely out of Necessity, for Survival. The community too often seems content to let a handful of volunteers try to put in their hours answering a hotline and recommending some counseling. That is Not Enough. It's Not educating women as to the seriousness of their dire situation and how little protection can be had longterm in court, especially if they brave leaving with a divorce (and a motion for sole custody which should be standard, but is not, in cases of abuse...whether chronic, serious or even more intermittent and mild.  The abusers should want to get help, but typically almost by definition Don't Want Help. IF they could ever consider the enormous wasteful damage they do to their own relatives and their wider circles, Maybe that would pique their interest, but unlikely. Seems some wires are 'disconnected', and the mystery prevails. But society is slowly waking up perhaps because due to cases like the Bill Cosby, Woody Allen and scandals in private schools and churches. Without thinking about the high payouts in law suits, aren't people realizing 'it's the right thing to do?" (to support victims in their bravery for sharing who has harmed not only them but our society by presenting as trustworthy when they were not? How could they have asked for help rather than abuse others, maybe it was impossible and they should have stayed home and found ways to stay out of trouble. Now it's costing everyone a great deal to realize 'their lives were not what they thought they were...so the past is not something that can be looked on with comfort and clarity." Some have said the Catholic Church would have to close down in NY if all the victims of abuse were compensated.

The statute of limitations for being abused under 18 is to report it by the age of 23, and that's often not done due to the shame and confusion and wanting to distance oneself from the kind of suffering one experienced. In CT that age is 48 but again not easy to prove the longer ago the abuse occurred.

But at least Hearing that society would say that was not okay is hopefully helpful. Getting help from online alternative healing people may be some of the easier ways to find relief and help one comprehend one's own experience. Always knowing that one is 'not alone' in facing a struggle seems to be a mantra many fields are picking up on. Yet everyone's experience is unique and sadly that includes the trauma of any event and the combinations whether from different people and in various locations and more.

There likely is no one cure-all. Some of the sites such as youwealthrevolution.com, Jennifer McLean, and many others, such as Humanity's Team and Lisa Garr's The Aware Show can give one food for thought and ways to appreciate each day as a new gift and thus a chance at being a new you...When more people join together such as on Jennifer McLean's Monthly Prayer Circle Calls or many others, one can feel more connected.

There are many helpful techniques (mind over matter, heart-centered, and simple yet profound ideas such as on Dr. Sha com and other sites for waking up and tuning in during the day and going to sleep regularly (mostly) at night before 10 pm..and I am writing this at 11:40 pm so need to take my own good advice, see..a work in progress.) I'll catch the midnight sleep train however and encourage us all to tune in and take it easy with making a few positive changes, individually yet for the greater good as well. G'nite now

PS I will light a candle of love in my heart and mind now and trust you can do so too with hopes for healing our plan-it, our human race and in remembrance of the many children whose lives were cut short by domestic violence directly and 'indirectly' (during custody battles or times of being kept from their protective mother (or father if that were the less common case), not supervised by other adults or community members such as school or faith or sports groups that likley could keep kids in the loop and 'accountable' by setting clear guidelines and protocols for going places and being with particular people, doing things and even how one behaves in a relationship as friends (watching out for Any High Risk Behaviors, Activicties, Outings and More), as dating partners (again for each age to make sure both parties are informed of their Rights for Engaging in talks, outings, drives or other trips with another person, how much physical contact would be permissible for their age legally and socially, and the same if sexually involved, only with mutual consent as it could be legally given each time, not 'blank check' mentalities) and not to allow for control and abuse to be minimized or worse rewarded by either partner or their friends and community. What goes around comes around often to a wider circle than the one/s initially involved.

Too often the weaker or smaller or younger people in their cirlces (including children, their own and even others, or other women etc) can be harmed by the physical violence, put-downs, control and intimidation and more. The emotional, financial and social strain can be at a breaking point for weeks, months and year on end...and it's not something Everyone Should Have to Learn to Put Up With.

"Who calls him on his crap?" could be a popular tee shirt..and while many people would think it refers to the powers that be in government or the police or the judges of others in positions of power, many would realize it pertains to 'the man of the house' or maybe 'the boyfriend of the year' or the boss, the teacher, the minister or who knows who..but yeah, him..and yes of course, Her too...Who Calls Any of Us on Our Crap?

Could be a sequel (on the back maybe) Food for thought. and not my original question but one I heard someone ask out loud over a decade ago about a trouble making fellow who was worrying the bejimminies out of many. The answer by the way (as often is the case and maybe you could guess) was Absolutely Nobody!!

Lundy Bancroft.com has a book www.ShouldIStayOrShouldIGo.net and the first couple of chapters are for potential abusers to get help early on (or learn to own their crap.)

Now a reall Cool kind of Guy or Gal in this day and age should Want to know if s/he is being a jerk (other terms have been used but if you're not accustomed to the talk they sound harsh and again can be a source of confusion in  trying to see if their actions really justify such a derogatory term...and even if they do many victims Survive by seeing the glass half full, keeping a positive hope that things can change (him mostly), and lots of other wishful survival strategies...

Some that may buy someone precious time is keeping busy out in the community, living for the short-term and not banking on a 'forever future' with that person. It's very challenging but some like the state of CT DV coalition is accepting that many women will not or cannot leave (the threats can be very dicey and leave a woman in a no-win situation, also she is often facing leaving her kids more if not completely with threats of losing custody, then there's the increased cost of living on one income and not sure if she will get support from him--often there is not a lot of follow through, and more than she can readily surmise, especially if in a small town that tends toward that Egyptian theme of Denial. That's been shown to be a high risk factor in abuse across Small Town America..and the times are changing but not in any methodical way to get a call out to every woman that there's a great website where she can type in her info and find the right help and get rescued with some guarantees and support longterm (years not months...)

Even then the thought of 'reconciling that a divorce or final separation would be necessary, that the family unit would be forever or seriously changed, that the kids wouldn't see their father (even if that might be the safest, most appropriate thing to help him see the light and get the help he needs to be safe to himself and others), well the list goes on. But we are making progress likely with a growing awareness of not letting such tragedies fester in the dark or victims take 'all the blame' as has been the case for too many decades running. Let's make some strides together and lift each other to a new level of decency and possibility in our beautiful country with a mostly positive legacy of wanting good for one another if mostly in theory. We can work to make that dream come true for more people and now would be a good time to really get things moving in that direction...before any more storms or loss of health coverage or tempers and ultimatums rule the day and our world...Shift Happens, so Let's Put Ourselves in Gear!