Happy Valentine's Pal-entine's Day ( or ValPal's Day for short) Feb 14th!
A footonote after I just penned this entry that meant to be full of good cheer for the Happy Valentine's Day idea of celebrating the love in your life, echoing out from the kind you'd have with someone you are a partner with to your family and other cirlces of close friends and letting that bubble out into your sense of community..it gets rather serious.
So maybe read this After the special day...but really, maybe there's a word of wisdom for someone you may know, so brave it as you can.
I'll post some Wedding Ideas to Double Check ( with a reminder about the Checklist for Chicks and Guys post) for safety Before popping the Big Question and really to review as lovingly whenever you tune into that reality that you are the movie director of your life...so with that 'heads up' and some lofty dreams for a special day, read as you feel led...
With new Big Love efforts sweeping the plan-it heart, why not think of including more people in your loving thoughts this Valentine's Day by thinking of it also as a Pal-entine's Day, to think of the people in your life who are there for you when you want to talk, (or listen), share some ideas and get some feedback, take time to enjoy a meal, a walk, a cultural event, a town event, time at a faith service or small group gathering.
Yes, you may have that 'one special person' that means the world to you, whether as a partner or as a good friend, so give them that appreciation.
Then there may be family and folks that really brighten up your life, or that help you from time to time. Thank them, even in your heart..where would you be without having known them..or being able to connect with them?
Sometimes we wish for a fairy tale romance, family and life. We may get portions of that dream unfolding as planned. But the, some things may not work our with a person or situation, or even a group of people or overall connection to a group that we did not expect, understand, or 'want'.
Yet we may have learned about new facets of our human experience by being involved with the one person, with going through a part of our life journey , even the conflict. How can we take 'the bad with the good' in terms of seeing our lives almost as a play, with our collective experiences calling out different characters in each of us?
What is amazing to me is that How we look at life can really influence what we see and what we believe. Many people can invest a lot of energy over many years in crafting a 'version of reality' that does not really exist. Some people can be mad about things that someone did not do (and insist they Did do them...even though no one can pinpoint What was Done intentionally--as in saying something, making some clear gesture or doing something).
This can be a 'seed for any number of challenges' over many years. Someone may allege things to make sense of their own feelings (someone saying a person made a pass at them when the person was being friendly but not asking or acting as though they wanted to be involved with them.)
Other people can start rumors that take off in various directions, again 'with little or no evidence' but each allegation building up in some way to make weaker ideas seem more valid.
This can happen not only in social groups but 'professionally' when counselors, even Domestic Abuse Counselors, can assess a victim as 'focusing on the batterer's actions and not her own agenda or options, therefore not being deemed as effective or capable in her role to parent or even protect herself.
The complications can mount if custody or divorce matters put not only the assets a person has on the line but the children of a family. 'Winning Custody" is akin to Winning the Superbowl for many abusive fathers, and yes, a few abusive mothers.
Maybe more parents, attorneys and advocated going to court should don their football uniforms when seeking not what's supposedly in The Best Interests of the children (which around the world according to International Human Rights Laws has been determined to be to keep children with their biological mothers in times of war, famine, poverty, climate disaster and much more..why not in terms of divorce?)
IF mothers are presenting as victims of abuse or as substance abuse users, or mentally unstable, all of that should be Carefully monitored (ideally with her allowing supervised, even live-in monitoring by family and friends who would again, be keeping the care of the children as the primary goal). Basically any parent is ONE CALL away from the other parent or another family member or professional from a veritable Rollercoaster Ride of starting to kidnap' a mother's children from her.
She can actually lose custody on an allegation (that flies with police or a child protective agency) that can result in her not being able to see her children in any regular, practical way for a solid six months or more.
I kid you not, and it is a 'dirty little secret' that is described in much more detail on www.barrygoldstein.net and www.lundybancroft.com as well as www.civicresearchinstitute.com or org.Even if there is no evidence or things somehow 'miraculously' right themselves for a spell, there is no apology or recourse for the mistake (should it Ever be acknowledged by ANY professional involved.
That's why Other Advocates are key to helping a victim and even a perpetrator who did not realize the outcome of his actions are part of the fabric of our culture).
There could be many outreaches to help perpetrators face their actions, and get help from www.endingviolence.org programs but they may not align with family law actions, so that's one aspect that needs a great deal of attention to determine 'the best practices' to keep all parties safe long-term.
None of this is easy nor anticipated by couples looking to tie the knot, live together, be more involved or have children or raise children together.
The SAD TRUTH is we are a VERY ConfUSed United States of America as well as every other country on the Plan-It Heart...
So if we are a little bit SAD that's okay, that means we are awake. And yes, we can be glad to be alive (so give yourself a HUG on this Be-a-Pal to yourself (and my birth name, being PALmer should remind me to do that often).
How many other hidden PALs are in names and ideas..might we pray for peace in PALestine this Feb 14th, and Israel..and Syria and the Middle East? Every person in a cosmos (like the flower and the power of the you-niverse).
Yes, this Valentine's Day is about Love, yet where there's love there is usually some 'agreement' about 'property ownership', 'relationship terms' and 'people connections' to those in the relationship and family.
There's just no getting around it...friends and family are People Too. We can focus on the positive and do so with our eyes open and our hearts safe-guarded against deception on any level. We need special help recognizing the 'shadow side' of anybuddy, including ourselves!
Yet where a 'pleaser' may seem to connect voluntarily with a controller, nothing may be further from the truth. She (and her kids) may be Trapped (and worse still, not know it..and even worse, not have even the advocates she reaches out to--too often on her own since average folks over 40 really don't understand the need for teamwork and support to keep not only the adult victim and the abuser from harm or worse, but the kids as well.
Now that we know most colleges do not seek to educate and prevent or punish date rape or abuse on campus and that the alarming statistics have not improved for far too many women losing their very lives at the rate of about 1500 each year, along with about 200 children, we all need to do better at understanding the Laws and the Limits of Love.
We have a long way to go, with every state doing various levels of education and intervention. We likely are losing more freedoms and privacy in the quest to protect victims at home but also all students in schools and colleges.
That's a tall order.
But if we can all acknowledge these are collective challenges, then we can be ready to assist the next 'potential victim' we meet, whether a child being neglected for adequate supervision and care, a woman being pressured to be compliant with her partner's or family's or worker's demands, (and yes, same for youth and men too, as the cases arise).
We can learn a great deal from the postings on this blog as well as the many resources listed and make that a new standard for being an AmeriCAN, armed with knowledge of the brokenness and willingness to fix the laws and social services to help a community become safer for every citizen.
A few safety tips blended in with the love messages could highlight the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that should be part of any kind of L-O-V-E or other kind of 'FRIENDSHIP', "FAITH OR GROUP MEMBERSHIP" and SCHOOL or NEIGHBORHOOD.
We can see the value of piecing the puzzle of our shared heart journeys on plan-it earth in personal relationships, online, in our towns, states, countries, and world. We are growing in good ways, so let US-All feel loved, respected, valued and cared for as the Be-you-to-full people we each are.
Hugs from the mom of a teen hero who'd tell many a person they were 'beautiful'. Look at yourself not only in the mirror but as you fall asleep in your mind's eyes and with an open heart filled with sunlight and love and let yourself meld with the truth of that resonating in your soul..you, as part of the whole, are Beautiful! Sweet dreams this February 14th and all the other days of the year, season to season of your life.
