A Few Deep Breaths and Considerations about The Tragedies That Befall Some (and Affect their Communities Far and Wide)

Dear Northwest Corner of CT, and Tri-Corner MA/NY/ CT Residents and Visitors, 
Our area has sadly been through the difficult unexpected violent loss of five people. Apparently one disturbed (and possibly depressed) man took the lives of his legal wife and their biological children in mid March of 2019. Many courageous volunteer rescue workers and police responded professionally, skillfully and compassionately.

The entire Sheffield MA community, particularly the local school and neighborhood of the amazing talented and caring mother and the twin 7-year old children who attended and their younger 3 year-old sibling likely felt the impact as a shock wave far greater as a tragedy upon hearing that from what was determined to be a murder-suicide by the father. Whether he had a deep mental health problem over time that came to a boil, a type of control issue or one of despair that sought to 'take his family with him' or determine their destinies is not clear.

Domestic abuse and violence is one of those 'secret diseases or killers' that may or may not have clear warning signs. In ways it is not all that different from 'violence out of nowhere' when the victims and their support system do not put warning signs together or cannot 'read the underlying motives or desires' of a person that acts selfishly, aggressively and violently towards others.

I happened to go to the school a few days before the tragic turn of events, and enjoyed a few moments after dropping off puzzles for one of the younger classes I have a personal connection with through friends. I took a few moments to look at the poetry on Love (in life and in literature, some of which spoke of "A Missing Father" as the first line of a poem.) I had thought how many children grow up not having much contact with their biological father or maybe any other role model for various reasons.

There are 15K women or more who choose to have a child 'on their own' with in vitro methods. Some people have surrogate moms carry a child that may carry their genes or not. Some people are foster parents and adopt. The terms of a child's beginnings, choices to become parents and the array of care-giving of children are far more fluid in 2019 than even 20 or even 10 years ago. Likely we will hear more 'options' such as 'making our own family groupings' (such as an online group offers and about 3K had signed up for a while back..some being aunts or uncles, sisters and brothers and even co-parents, or grandparents to form meaningful relationships.')

I explore this to put the tragic loss of the Sheffield family in a context of our modern American society that is open to people having children together but not marrying or living together, to separating for a while or more formally legally and making custody plans to address the needs of the children and adults amicably and so on. When a  biological parent harms the other or their children, the 'terms of endearment' such as mother, father, son or daughter or child need to be revised, particularly if there is violence or death.

The terms of 'husband and wife' are confusing even in a difficult marriage or divorce process. The legal husband or legal wife may not really be wanting to stay in the relationship and may not be willing or able to hold up the terms of the contract. So they may be a spouse 'on legal papers only' and have to comply with financial or other responsibilities until a legal divorce is obtained. "Actions Speak Louder That Words" and Define the reality of someone's commitment and ability, regardless of one's intentions. That is where the man who was the legal (on paper) spouse and biological father of the children in this Sheffield case does not deserve the title of 'loving father or husband' when discussing his actions of taking the lives of his 'former family' members.

The moment he decided to follow through with such harmful and deadly actions, he was a criminal and possibly a severely distraught person. Husband? No Way! Father?! That means "life-giver" so he was completely void of a Fatherly role. He crossed a line Before He Committed the Acts and During the Acts. By taking his own life, we can consider that he may have felt conflicted and maybe even that on some distorted level he was feeling he needed to 'protect his family from some dire future' or 'to be with him in the spirit world' if that was his belief.

Such was the case of Andrea Yates apparently, and there are some parents, generally Moms who have ended their children's lives because they were being assaulted or raped by the father or male dominant figure and that seemed their dire choice of protecting their child/ren. All of these matters are difficult to consider, but for the safety of everyone who could be living in confusion or delusion that 'nothing like this would ever or could ever happen' to someone in their circles or area, that is simply not the case.

Collectively we can learn more about the various problems people have faced over their lifetimes that could weigh in on their future behavior. There are studies called Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) which can set people up for challenges to harm themselves or others, to have PTSD or other challenges and to need more support than meets the eye.

Likely the biological father doing such harm to people in his closest social circles (aka 'family') had such challenges is my guess. Scott Peterson of CA who claimed the lives of his legal wife and their unborn child had a father who committed suicide when he was young. Maybe there are 'energetic or genetic memories of harmful things happening and fears from over many life times, socially (in one's family line or social group), culturally and otherwise. There are many theories, and they all could be helpful to consider.

The 14th Battered Mothers Custody Conference will be held at the end of April 2019 in Albany NY. They have highly skilled advocates from many organizations across the country sharing through many talks and program presentations the history of  society's response to abuse, victims, custody matters and more. The entire country could take that weekend to tune into their work and advocacy to pass House Resolution 72 which would work to help protective parents, generally the mother of a child or children, gain initial custody when there is a legal matter or need to do so. The assumption to believe the mother and children regarding abuse, control and violence is paramount, because sadly too many are traumatized during initial proceedings when seeking safety.

With high rates of abuse in custody matters (25-50%) I propose ALL women be screened voluntarily for abuse whether in a legal or child protective matter or not. Danger can be lurking in one's relationship as radon may be in one's home and be harmful over time or 'all at once.' People could count themselves fortunate to figure out What Might Be Ailing One. I have seen plays and heard people share that 'they never knew who their father (or mother) was, never knew they were adopted' and yet experienced something very central to their life and well-being was missing.  With the internet more resources including 'practical information' and ways to look at life and the many challenges people have faced in a 'more positive light'.

In ways more people are understanding the key needs to be well nurtured early on in life, to have good role models at home, in school and life, in faith or social circles and work places, to know what to do in terms of planning for success and following through with reasonable steps over time, with accountability and coaching. When those things are not in place (and often that is all determined by one's living situation and particularly by one's zip code, as in where one is living.) Rural communities pose many challenges in terms of accessing basic services, Many people can live in isolation (and can feel abandoned if there are not outreaches keeping them in a social loop through a group such as a faith or civic group, health or other interest.)

When people retire they may have over-identifed with their work roles and routines and feel the floor has dropped out from under them. Planning to have more support as one ages or makes any changes or has more responsibility (including children, a home, a car, etc) can all be a shared ethic in communities. Without plans to network one can feel more pressure to 'do everything on one's own.' Even having someone to talk things over with or encouragement to journal and reflect (in a notebook or online in emails to oneself or another program such as Google Documents or Word etc) can be helpful. Having a Google Voice Account can provide one with an online phone number to make calls to and have a recording of one's voice to recount experiences and review as desired. Looking back over the past year and month can help one feel good about steps one has made toward certain social, family, work, health and learning and networking goals, etc.

Having an overall look at how balanced one's life is can help one shore up deficits and pursue new connections and supports and resources. That can apply to learning about having safe, fair communication and involvement with others. Ideally anyone should be open to have others talk things over with them amiably and help assess where a relationship (whether as a friend, neighbor, family member or partner, co-worker, etc) is and could go in the next few months and year. If there is a reluctance or inability to get honest and open and allow for a few others to help weigh in on matters that is likely a sign there is not a healthy dynamic.

Maybe people are shy or under pressure, hoping to get more done than is reasonable for one or even two or a few people to do. Maybe extra support in terms of volunteers and game plans implemented slowly over time would be reasonable.

That is a general guideline like going to the doctor annually and having bloodwork done to have a better understanding of one's metabolism over time (such as monitoring one's blood pressure, which can be and should be done at home since that is often difficult to get accurate assessments of with occasional visits, and same with blood sugar monitoring of one's A1 C level (ideally under 6.5 and better still under 5.7) to prevent diabetes and to turn symptoms around sooner rather than later with healthy diet and exercise of about 20 minutes daily of fast walking and good sleep (make that 6-10 hours nightly ideally from 9:30 -7am etc.yet for teens that may naturally want to be more like 11-8am but given that high school starts early, the former would be a good ideal.)

Now back to the talk of safety and even preventing gun violence. I wanted to share that I read through a book by Lois Schaffer called Unthinkable, about the robbery and shooting of her daughter Susie that happened in December of 2008 by two teens, While one of them didn't want to go through with the crime because he recognized a picture of another student at his high school on the refrigerator,t he other was more wanton in his desire to 'see what it woudl be like to shoot someone' and had a stolen gun. After getting caught since he had a parole bracelet on, and spending two years in jail, the killer said to the family, "I am a loser, a big failure. "  I learned of this book when attending one of a national set of concerts to end gun violence.