Digging Deep Here so get that cup of tea brewing...How Ya Doing? Sharing about real stuff that's not easy to talk about...Life Problems!

I realize anyone with family, social or legal problems has a lot to address...and there's no clear road map or compassion committee to go to (though calling 911 in an emergency even with brewing tensions could result in wellness check...and asking for help through 211 or seeing more resources in advance on 211.org even in neighboring states or from national hotlines such as from an organization like RAINN (which is about sexual assault support so that may be part of healing for many people over the generations to know there is a place that deals with that...anonymously, but also look at online resources. )

Any info shared with a hotline or medical or police staff can be trigger a need for a counseling or consult to deem one is safe if threatening harm to oneself or others, not being able to care for oneself due to mental or other matters and other concerns for mental or medical help. If someone is harmed in front of children then that also can trigger a need to 'break confidentiality' and call social services or police if harm is imminent.

That is just a little of the terrain to learn early and often about to understand there is privacy and freedom of speech but depending on who one is talking to that's really not the case as well as where one is sharing.

Out in public is not the same as in one's home and many people may feel they 'do not want to hear personal information and certain topics' so always a good idea to check in with someone, get to know them over time with simple friendly topics and short conversations..and hopefully find 'appropriate, skilled or at least trustworthy interested people.

' In terms of legal matters however, particularly with custody or any kind of serious concern, someone can be asked to be a witness and testify or give a statement about who said what, what happened and so forth to paint a picture of someone's character and so on. It's worth watching television or catching up with the kinds of 'tricky, sticky situations one may run into' and ways to get help with Any Kind of Danger or Difficulty Early On.

Hopefully one can find help along those lines on many posts on the blog which is not a formal kind of any advice or counsel but rather something to consider along with support from professionals and advocates to get a full picture of the many ways to understand and address life situations in 2021 and in the future... that's where we're all going and yet it is helpful to understand 'what came before all of this..."
 

When appropriate along with keeping a daily journal and calendar of where one is in any situation, resources, conversations, contacts and research, interactions etc, I do hope everyone can think of 'some middle ground options' and explore things through mediation (with advocates even if each attorney or other advocate talks with a third party with a sense of openness to new solutions.

Sometimes trying out even crazy ideas like withdrawing a bill that is due and accepting the funds or barter as a gift can happen to resolve matters along the life journey, trading time, talent, treasure --money or things, time in someone's vacation home or use of a car etc or monitored video or phone calls, perhaps pre-recorded and so forth can help people allow some connection instead of the all or nothing that many feel is needed to handle situations and which is common in legal custody or divorce or other civil matters even without protective orders etc.

So good to know the lay of the land whether in one's home or in a conflict etc (and yes, many homes are fraught with conflct as are families and social groups but that can be addressed and healed possibly with patience and each person feeling they can express themselves if only on paper to themselves...really in many ways that's the main or only person we're talking to or listening to..so let's see what each of us is truly thinking, shall we?

Perhaps there are things that will motivate people or that come along that are of greater interest or urgency that redirect things...

As you know there have been some folks in legal, family or other disputes in the past with one or both not able to compromise even when going to a dozen folks, but some times, things were delayed to buy time and help people regroup and learn more about matters...and over time a little more sanity crept in but in other ways the 'continuous conflict' without clarifications of monitoring conversations and specifically supervised close interactions resulted in sudden times of danger and difficulty..."unplannned but now often not unpreventable.

Usually any interaction that resulted in a person compromising their safety or being pressured to be involved with someone...and that could be on any level was due to not having a supervised interaction even if it was 'only in passing off some items or exchanging childre in custody or some other 'reason' to get near one another's home, car, or person in private for a minute or more.

That's all it takes sometimes if someone is volatile or seeking to exert power and control over another, or allow for pent up feelings or allegations or other concerns to be expressed. So staying apart physically and socially is important to prevent problems from 'popping up or piling up.'

The court system and even family service systems in the past decades were broken in more ways than people knew. The systems and actual people in them deciding matters are in need of reform from judges and attorneys and advocates especially for domestic abuse and custody cases. Safe protective parents, generally the mothers, need to have custody of their children to keep them safe and alive even in some cases.

But even that is not well understood in our modern time of 2021, so more preventive measures need to be in place for all men to monitor their thinking as much as possible. What they have to consider well in advance that any way of hurting their partner or woman they are involved with however they view her, the mother of his children or even of her own and so on, often comes back to harm his as well. He loses her trust and distorts the relationship with the children even as they go into their adult years. He also may harm them and be at risk to harm himself.

One out of three times if a man kills others in his family such as the woman and/or kids in his life, he kills himself. So clearly there are a lot of 'no win' options and it's often a case of drug use, mental illness, distorted thinking and immaturity to the extreme. Generally they may not be aware of emotions and it's really no one's job to teach anyone about 'being human' with all the internal and external factors and dynamics weighing in.

In terms of accountability and a need to 'get it right in terms of using truth and logic , even jurors and people providing evidence or giving false testimony (sometimes by mistake but not being well vetted by both sides to catch the mistake) as a case on 20/20 last night shared about 'The Black Widow of Las Vegas' trial which may be granted a re-trial but is not scheduled for one even 13 years later.

More advocates at every level from the federal to the state and local area can validate how inept and erroneous is has been to allow abusers conditions to rule in their house and systems in general at the peril of others, and male gender to win out in legal proceedings. One of the more serious and documented trends for decades has resulted in separating a million kids from protective moms or safe parents or other family members and friends, even when concerns of danger were shared in emails and publicly.

Battered Mothers Custody Conference and CA Protective Parents Association speak to these travesties with national networks of devoted skilled legal and support advocates helping get the word out. They have been at the Capitol but did not storm the steps as the recent insurrectionist did in a volatile, violent way. Hopefully there will be a more thorough review of that matter and even compare the lack of response to the ten years of pleading done by Mothers of Lost Children and the advocates to protect children by keeping them with their mothers as a safeguard in their lives in any custody concern or legal matter.

There has been gender bias against females proved in many courts so training and awareness is needed. That is part of what David Mandel, formerly of nonviolenealliance.com and now of Safe & Together Institute teaches around the world. Validating what a mother is doing right and holding a father accountable for choices of intimidating or neglecting his family or abusing or intimidating them is important for all to want to learn about from early on. Often youth can end up feeling they have no choice but to band with they bully at home or at school etc. A victimized Mom may likewise feel that's the only hope to survive and bide time.

The Million Women Marches showed that most women want a sisterhood to protect one another's safety and dignity. Advocacy is needed in many fronts now most understand whether for women, Black people, Asians, Hispanic and Other Minorities and trace the economic underpinnings to allow for such imbalanced legacies, generally built on the land grab, steal or denial of one group of people's human rights and access to resources fairly. That is something that could be remedied with reparations as Marianne Williamson discussed, greater strides made in education of all children and adults and more support to meet basic life care needs. LundyBancroft.com offers many resources to understand dynamics of abuse and ways for men and other abusive people including women and groups for instance to infer about making amends and taking responsibility for their actions. Maybe some of the worst perpetrators will see the light and find a way to help heal such struggles. Every family tree could consider that they are spiritually and energetically connected in meaningful ways to help heal and again promote that for others with a sense of shared challenges...and healing with humanity at large.

Children may still be at risk for harm, neglect and not being monitored in dangerous situations at any point whether in a happy home or about town...but especially moreso if in a time of conflict, custody concerns or even after a decision or divorce is in place. Some states have ongoing teams to help monitor families such as The Peace Program in NY State from a decadea ago (not sure it they have that or a CASA program in some states. Acknowledging that families needs support and deserve help from the community makes sense no matter someone's relationship or housing status, schooling or other community tie.

A person needs and deserves help and information, period. If harm comes to any person at the work place, a serious investigation is done and an appropriate accountability report filed. If that happens to a youth or adult in the world just due to 'life' on the surface it is no one's job to investigate and report further, even when that could inform preventive measures and steps people could take Voluntarily to shore up gaps and expand the edge of safety from danger on many fronts, whether in the physcial world, when driving, when out in nature or pursuing sports and skills with speed and heights or other factors requiring skills and supervision and coaching early on and often for safety and accountability by all parties. Minors in particular need to learn that 'someone could be sued' if they go off and do things that result in someone getting hurt or killed since parents and adults are responsible for minors on many levels.

Whenever there is a death due to drugs, illness, injury or accident thatcould be a Big Sign to everyone that was not the safest situation not only practically but socially in terms of who decided to allow for such a turn of events leading up to the problem or predictable endangerment and death in some cases..

People who cannot advocate for themselves may feel or be trapped mentally and socially. Kids are especially at risk and can 'bond with the bully' whether at home or in a social group. Survival instincts run deep and hoping to change someone by 'going along to get along' or hoping things will improve magically with enough suffering are part of many cultural and religious beliefs whether due to karma or carrying one's cross or having to pay one's dues for cosmic reasons. Blaming the victim in a situation is an easy 'out' and a way to not hold perpetrators accountable. How things fester is sometimes because they are kept in the dark and no one can sort out the real harm being done if the victims cannot identify it and many other voices are 'cheering on the positive qualities of the person. ' When we see celebrities driving drunk or hurting others, that shows their humanity and they need to be held accountable...as though calling out for help since they are famous, in a loud clear manner. But often 'they get a pass' and that is the case for many 'brotherly or sisterly' organizations and family members sticking through thick and thin without thinking about the problems that may be indicating. If someone is in need of help hopefully they will be willing to get the help. But usually too little too late is offered and then the problems have taken on a life of their own.

If there are concerns about money, that can double the stress of any situation with the feeling or reality that 'there's only so much to go around' or cover immediate bills...whatever they are. In the USA it takes about 20K to get by for a year and maybe less if one has support for housing (such as from some family members and maybe even friends whether married spouses or partners in which one earns and one is at home with or without children or elders or others to care for...at no cost either with housing in someone's home or support for that covered. It is practical and coming to be more possible to help people meet housing needs through various programs and bartering of sorts.

One program in the NYC area for instance has a way to match a person with a senior resident to share their home at a reduced rent for instance with an agreement to have some shared time to visit, etc. Not for caregiving but those kinds of arrangements are also emerging and are unique in each state. In NY State friends and family may be paid to help care for a person in their home without the person needing to reimburse them while most states would have that be the case with repayment from funds from the home if owned etc. There are many things to learn more than 5 -7 years in advance, so about 10 years in advance to plan for someone's realistic, legal and practical care options.

Often it is helpful to organize info with a team and review monthly or more to make sure all team members in a family and with legal and social service or other supports, even community based faith groups, libraries and schools could have a basic idea of the options to everyone is working with a similar framework and getting timely help on many levels for insurance for seniors (Medicare and even medicaid if there are limited resources, but again check for each state and consider moving if need be to help one's dollars go further and to get the help one needs to be independent vs in a care facility if that is not really needed or desired.) Some don't have a cell phone or internet for years. Yet many have connections by having known many people over the decades such that they can chat about things in a friendly way when they do see one another 'by chance' or in programs for various reasons or at events locally such as at faith groups, libraries, or theaters or fundraisers and fairs.

One person for instance once thought someone was 'speaking out of turn' at a church meeting about whether to keep the minister . The person was offering to mediate the discussion a bit or offer the idea to hear each other out amicably and not come to quick conclusions if possible... Because the person was not a church member, the person was asking if it was okay to share first etc.

Some were okay with that and others were not. Now that is a memory that is helpful to recall..and it was on one of the anniversary dates of a dear one's passing...so again, keeping things in perspective and open to the notion that 'this may all be happening for reasons we may have 'signed up for' to go thru the struggles as though a kind of metamorphosis and greater understanding of the human condition and our own emotional, mental and social journey (spiritual one too if one is open to that...) then the trappings of this world 'fall away'...

There are millions of elderly who can't think of leaving their homes, but really our only 'real home' is our body and many would say our spirit within and the ties with other realms. We are all more like actors 'making life up as we go.''

That's an idea from option.org and I've spent time gaining insight from their programs and books (such as To Love Is To Be Happy With...which is about many folks being given time to really explore what is coming up for each of them in their own authentic experience of life, the past, beliefs and feelings etc...and ways to consider 'What IF I didn't feel the way I did presently about little things... and then about other things, social situations, options for how I could proceed, what IF I had a change of heart or understanding about forgiving someone...even if they haven't asked (yet) or if they were willing to have support and find new ways of addressing concerns etc... In these small towns, we are tasked with 'bumping into one another' or sharing the road and finding ways to allow for some flow.

Those who are not safe are important to give extra space to...and those who insist or are likely to get mixed up by any interaction also need more support and space...so hope that's okay to share for now...with an idea of creating a chain of connection so no one is cut off from support and everyone can feel respected as humans even though we all have our unique journey and life path and purpose.

We are aiming at this time to hold one another up as meaningful pieces of our puzzle and projects, as community members and friends, and family with respect (again even if not interacting as in prior times or with extra support of others and guidelines if not laws to guide future interactions verbally, in writing, in how close people can be within one another and so on... Likely everyone has heard of protective orders or restraining orders so those are all options and really guidelines for everyone to be aware of to prevent having to use since they are serious legal terms and can complicate some things more than one might imagine.

Acting As If one has a protective or restraining order may be valuable while at the same time finding more community discussion forums to work thorugh any concerns and problems 'anonymously by changing names and identifying concerns' to get to the crux of the matter...and realize everyone can likely relate to the journey one is one. The more challenging the problem maybe the deeper the seeds of contention and psychological or spiritual or even mental or drug-related or other trauma or wounding that needs healing...and healing is the name of the game really.

Not that everyone and thing will go back to 'the way is was' or the best it 'could be'...but a new normal of decency and respect and even a shred of forgiveness and introspection to realize being a child is maybe the hardest part of being human when one doesn't have control over one's world, doesn't get all the love and attention one deserves or needs or the guidance to be a friend, a family member or community member and than whammo, one's all grown up and often alone due to the stress of pulling one's own weight, making a living, making good on debts or other social obligations..and just a world of demands...

Finding ways to back up the busy-ness of life and allow oneself inner space and a sanctuary in one's heart and soul to nurture and connect with one's inner child, one's younger self and tend to the feelings, beliefs, hopes, needs, dreams and teams of support one wishes were in place from the past or to reform in the future (new versions of family, friends, and folks who maybe have moved to other areas of their lives or away but don't need to be viewed as traitors or haters, losers or bruisers..just people like oneself, human and changing... so hope that can be helpful with more ideas shared by Jenn McClean (as in clean one's house, I'll see if she's thought of that aspect...) on her free monthly prayer circles online on the 21st of the month in 2021 for instance and onward on the 22nd of the month in 2022 and so on plus lots more as I mention this Livfully.org blog.

Okay best to each person and their whole life situation working out as smoothly as possible. Small thoughts of 'what if' and 'maybe everyone can 'begin anew' and be heard by a neutral compassionate person etc can happen. In a way even informally that has been happening with some sharing along the way with others and people caring from a distance. I am just filling in some of that.