Difficult Headlines with Violence and Loss, Connecticut Protective Moms Help Prevent and Alert Folks Near and Far!

To the Editor:

 

As we reverently recount the loss of lives a decade ago at Sandy Hook, we are facing a terrible problem protecting victims even when victims or their families clearly seek legal help. Tragically that includes the loss of 11- month -old Camilla Francisquini on Nov. 25th and a mother of a 3-year-old son, Julie Minogue, age 40, on Dec.7th, 2022, even since the passing of Jennifers' Law in CT to protect victims with their children in custody cases.

 

The recent loss of Athena Strand, age 7, near her home to a stranger strikes valid fear, yet many families are in crisis and often account for crimes and fatalities that could be prevented. Erin's Law has passed in almost 40 states to help prevent sexual abuse by mandating education, as advocated by Erin Merryn. 

 

ConnecticutProtective Moms.org who are educating the public and leaders about the need for greater understanding of "Coercive Control' which entails the gamut of 'the first time someone is put in fear for their safety' in their relationship (which Evan Stark, the author of a book Coercive Control) says is nothing to dismiss.

 

 Rather the pattern of intermittent threats, harm to finances or social relationships, scaring a person and others in the family an abuser lives with or interacts with all needs to be factored into the context of a relationship. 

 

 The classic pattern of "Domestic Violence" among people sharing a household or in a relationship (DV) or "Intimate Partner Violence" (IPV) or abuse can include being 'wooed' or wed or having a child or making more commitments with someone who mistreats or harms the woman or even mother of his children.

 

 Usually there are signs or clear violations early on, but often a victim will accept apologies of words or actions (but the action of going to a Batterer Intervention Program (BIP) is not a guarantee he really will or can change.)

 Sometimes a victim will fight back at times but often with 'too little, too late' or with seeming 'overkill' if the abuse has let up a bit. However as this set of information shares, too often the adult victim and children are in peril, even when they have sought protection from the law--police or restraining or protective orders. It's all rather overwhelming but important to help everyone understand. The idea that the victim of such a crime should be able and willing to do all that is needed in a timely fashion to 'learn and fix the problems' is part of the difficulty. 

 

There should be a willingness to do more serious interventions in this day and age and help women understand the need to go into hiding (that's my interpretation of providing safe refuge that one hints at below.) The laws tend to protect the abuser's access to the offspring and therefore the victim. 

 

Often kids are used as pawns on many levels of 'proving a victim is wrong or will not win custody or cannot make a safe choice for herself or the kids.' Even women with respectable careers or independent funds face discrimination in the courts, with a bias found by Attorney Joan Meyer of abusers gaining custody in 8 out of 10 cases in a study of 10K cases in a 10-year period in the US.

 

One out of three times a man claiming the lives of one or more victims, takes their own also. Kayden's Law is being heard in many states to protect victims and their offspring during pre-trial hearings for custody if there is abuse and threats found.

 

Ideally more people would realize how difficult reorganizing a family and next steps are in general and would have ways to support each member of the family and review things so no one is left to taking extreme actions, including incredible despair (based on one's hope, faith, efforts over time or wishes for reconciliation,) lack of support to be with one's children if a safe parent. 

 

That should be in a secure location with supervision given the nature of the stress for all family members and support members as well. The benefit of supervised living would help the victims and also places they go or are near such as schools, faith groups and community that the family is part of so people are aware of things and taking precautions.

 

That is a tall order for a community to pursue, yet with the holidays, clearly there is a pressing need for serious attention to 'family matters' and caregiving of people of all ages, from very young to any with mental health or substance or conflict concerns, as well as those with high care needs and the elderly who can be more prone to dementia symptoms or other challenges (mobility and cold in the winter, social isolation and needing regular checks and  perhaps more medical monitoring.)

 

Whether people are low income, unstable mentally or using substances is not the cause of abuse, but sometimes adds to the stress. Offering ways for women and children to explore the situations they are feeling trapped in without judgment or blame for them 'staying' but realizing the systems may be requiring more of each person to protect children and manage life with more accountability creates quite a challenge. 

 

Either way, there are not guarantees but hopefully more aspects of society, from faith and educational institutions, libraries and playgroups, sports and arts as well as social networks can all 'up their understanding' of these dynamics and create meaningful ways for anyone to seek help and get in a timely fashion, even if needing to go into hiding for a few months or more to stabilize a situation. 

 

There is more help online at 211.org and in NYC 311.org as well as calling 2-1-1 for info, or 988 for suicide prevention or  911 in an emergency. Seeking information on these topics online can help one learn a lot quickly such as with domesticshelters.org and other advocacy groups. 

 

--Catherine Palmer Paton

PS This was not necessarily printed (but many have been in The Lakeville Journal of CT and hopefully I will find time to share with other forums. Grateful for all working along these lines and who would like to network.)